How to Deal With Money Issues in a Relationship
Money issues in relationships happen. We are typically thrown out into the world with a low credit score and high student loan debt with little personal finance experience. Yes when you meet that special person, unfortunately those individual money problems can become relationship problems.
But, it doesn’t have to be that way.
At the end of the day, everyone wants to achieve financial independence. However, there are many causes for financial issues, many of which contribute to high divorce rates in the U.S. In general, it is best to be upfront and honest about your financial matters, and it can be a red flag if your partner is not receptive or willing to listen. If are partner open, then you can have a healthy approach to finances within your relationship, including being able to work as a team.
Read on and schedule a meeting if you want to learn more!
Some Reasons for Money Issues in a Relationship
There are many reasons why money causes relationship problems. Not all of them are necessarily “deal-breakers,” but it’s still important to understand why certain money problems create such turmoil in relationships.
Addiction
Addiction is a complicated issue. It has many forms, and often it’s something nobody wants to bring up. If you do try to talk about it, people often start becoming defensive.
Some addictions, like alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs, are hard to miss. Others come in forms that don't typically come to mind as addiction. For example, some people are addicted to collectibles, clothing, or material items that they purchase far more than is reasonable. Some people are even addicted to electronics, video games, and social media, spending unproductive time and resources on both.
There are many examples of addiction. When addressing them with your partner, it is often best to do so calmly and conversationally, as aggressively accusing someone of addiction never goes well. This is also a situation where the support of a therapist can be especially impactful.
Failing to Meet Joint Financial Goals
Nothing causes stress in a relationship like mismatched financial goals. Everyone has their own opinions on handling money, and if you and your partner’s goals don’t align, it can cause problems and financial stress. And if one person isn’t aligned on the goals you’re pursuing, then it will be easier for them to let things slide and get off track.
Nevertheless, there may be valid reasons why particular financial goals or milestones weren’t met, as life isn’t linear, and things don’t always go as planned. If you find yourself in this position, discuss things, coming from a place of curiosity, before jumping to conclusions.
Overwhelming Financial Setbacks
It is impossible to control everything around us, and sometimes bad things happen. Often, these setbacks are overwhelming, especially when they cause a significant dip in your finances. It is important to practice empathy and to communicate during situations like these, working through them as a team.
Refusing to Compromise on Your Relationship With Money
Relationships involve two unique people merging their lives, and so by definition, they are all about compromise. An unwillingness or refusal to compromise around your relationship with money will have far-reaching adverse effects on a relationship.
For example, if you and your partner have a joint bank account, and you're a saver while they're a spender, you're likely to experience a financial imbalance. You may wish your significant other would get more serious about your joint finances, while they may think it doesn't hurt to spend a little extra cash. Talking about how each of you handles money and finding common ground is imperative.
Being Too Controlling, Defensive, or Judgmental
Healthy relationships aren’t about an alpha-beta dynamic, and a controlling or judgmental partner can be as bad as a defensive partner who never owns up to their mistakes. If it hasn’t occurred already, these behaviors may lead to financial infidelity, which is a slippery slope causing major problems for serious relationships and married couples. When partners start to drift apart emotionally, they also might drift apart in their financial agreements, and vice versa.
Career Ambitions and Salary Differences
There is a reason some people choose to focus on their careers before discussing marriage or even entertaining it as a possibility. If a person’s top passion is their work, not their partner, then their partner will likely feel left out. If one person works a lot more, also watch out for domestic imbalances, i.e. one person handling more of the household chores, child care, family things, difficult conversations, etc.
If one partner has a significantly higher salary, this can create tension as well. Contributing to a relationship is important as it allows both people to feel they’re adding something of value, no matter the salary difference. Instead of ignoring these issues, be realistic about them, and see how you can work with them.
How to Untangle the Money Issues in Your Relationship
How do you deal with money issues in a relationship? You and your partner can take steps to make sure it never gets to the point where there is a significant issue. If it has already reached that point, you can use these same tips to dig your way out.
The best thing you can do to deal with money issues in a relationship? Communicate. A relationship can be saved when each person is willing to do their part.
Seek Professional Help to Start the Conversation
For issues that may be rooted in mental health, you may want to seek professional help to start the conversation. Addiction and out-of-control spending of money can be red flags of mental health problems in yourself or your partner, and sometimes this burden is best worked out with a third party. The more (capable, empathetic) shoulders bearing the burden, the lighter the load, and getting that extra support to help talk about money is a great first step to take.
Create a Plan for Your Money
It is good to create a plan for your money individually, but it is also vital to come together and create a plan for your money as a couple. Break down your finances and be honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Misleading your partner will only hurt the relationship, but being brave and open can build intimacy.
Align Your Financial Goals
An excellent first step in a healthy relationship is to align your financial goals. What do you want individually and as a family, where do your goals align, and where will you be able to compromise? It is important to establish solid milestones or benchmarks, making sure there are plenty of small ones that are easy to reach. Celebrate reaching them, and let the confidence and moment build, which can help keep you both motivated to achieve the larger goals.
Set Expectations Together
Partners should set financial expectations together. Make sure they are realistic by “doing the math." However, don’t be afraid to have some loftier, pie-in-the-sky type of goals, too.
Setting expectations as a team minimizes gray areas and clarifies what’s required from each of you. This reduces anxiety and also facilitates accountability if (and when) something doesn’t quite go according to plan.
Work on Financial Literacy
Working on financial literacy can be tough, but it’s usually easier if it's a group project. Don't think of financial issues as impossible tasks to burden yourself with individually; instead, get educated on the possible course of action to take as a couple in regards to personal finance, choose the one that’s best for your family, and take the necessary, relevant steps as a team. You could also plan to work with a budget coach to help you learn and grow together.
Set Aside Time for Positive Conversations
As important as it is to maintain regular date nights and activities for just the two of you, partners need to set aside time for positive conversations about money. Point out how well each of you is doing, acknowledge your efforts, and celebrate the financial victories, both large and small!
FAQ
Q: Is It Just A Money Problem?
A: It is important to affirm that your “money issues” aren’t a cover-up for other underlying problems in the relationship. Communication about all relationship issues is critical, and if you can talk about personal finance and money matters, you should also be able to talk about and uncover other issues, as well.
Q: What to Do If Your Partner Remains Uncooperative?
A: It might be time to consider third-party help, as your partner likely will be more willing to open up to a professional. It is never the wrong choice to seek help if your relationship is struggling in any way, whether it's utilizing a financial advisor, financial planner, or a couples financial coach.
Q: Should You Have Money-Related Relationship Deal Breakers?
A: If your deal breaker is your partner’s salary, you might need to reevaluate what’s important in your relationship. However, it’s reasonable to pay attention to other financial habits that might be troublesome, including spending and investing.
Do they gamble too much? Perhaps they day trade or chase get-rich-quick schemes in pursuit of more money in a way that is pretty much the same as gambling, or maybe they don’t invest at all. These are more reasonable deal-breakers and can be fair if your partner is unwilling to change or otherwise work on improving things together.
Money Issues in a Relationship Can Be Solved
Money is just one part of a healthy relationship, but who doesn't want to feel the relief of financial security? No one wants a money imbalance to lead to financial problems, and at the end of the day, the benefits of being on the same page as your partner go beyond just your financial life.
Some of the tips and advice for dealing with financial woes will help in other aspects of your relationship as well, so sit down and talk to your partner about your financial situation and any problems that need to be addressed. Remember, you’re on the same team, and take a look at my website if you're interested in a complimentary consultation.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
