How to Talk About Money With Your Partner
Knowing how to talk about money with your partner is the key to a successful marriage. Whether you're newly dating, thinking about getting married, or already married, having the money talk often is an essential part of your relationship.
When Should You Be Talking About Money?
Talking money may not be at the top of your list when you are in a new relationship, but you should consider it. The more natural you make the money conversation, the easier it is to get more profound in those conversations as you get more serious in your relationship.
It's even okay to discuss money when you start dating. For example, you can talk money when discussing who will pay for the date or just a general conversation about finances, savings goals, and other light topics you feel comfortable talking about.
As you get more serious, money in relationships becomes a more pressing topic. For example, if you talk to your partner about living together, making a significant purchase, taking trips together, or making other life decisions, money talk is essential. However, don't skim over the topic and assume everything will be okay -- this is the perfect time for talking openly and honestly about your finances.
Once you're married, money conversations are essential. It's a good idea to have regular 'money dates' where you talk to your partner about money, how much debt you have, your savings goals, shared expenses, and anything else that comes up regarding your relationship and money.
Money Questions to Ask Significant Other
At different points in your relationship, you'll ask additional questions of your significant other. Here are a few questions to get the conversation started.
In a new relationship that's getting more serious, ask about one another's salaries and how they think about saving money for the future versus spending money today
As you get more comfortable with one another, ask about significant debts, such as student loans or credit card debt
Ask each other about your view on credit card debt and how to handle it
Ask about one another's spending habits
Ask about each person's money goals
Ask about each other's credit scores
Ask about how money was handled in each person’s family (i.e. by their parents) and in any past relationships, and how they think that affects them today
These questions can start the money talk, helping you get to know one another, your savings goals, your views on personal finance, and any potential financial issues you may have to handle together. In addition, these questions can help you learn how to talk about money with your partner.
Upcoming Major Life Decisions
When you're making major life decisions together, make sure you discuss money. For example, your major life decisions may include getting engaged, buying a house, or adopting a pet together. You may also have to make major unexpected medical decisions. If you're already married, you might decide to expand your family, buy an investment property, or cut down to one income.
Before you make these significant life decisions, look at your money situation and make sure the change is something that fits within your finances and your financial goals.
Experiencing Fights About Money
It's going to happen — every couple fights about money. The key is knowing how to handle the conversation so that neither of you feels unheard and you can then repair any hurts. If you make money one of the things you talk about in a relationship early on, it's easier to get through the disagreements when they do occur.
No matter your relationship status, make sure you both can hear one another, compromise, and work out a solution that suits your financial situation.
Being Talked Down to in a Relationship
Being talked down to in a relationship never feels good. There are often clues this will happen if you have money issues in dating relationships. The problems only get more significant once married, let alone if you buy a home together of start a family.
If you think 'my husband doesn't share his money with me,' or your husband controls the money, keeping it from you, it's time to start talking about money with a professional. No one should feel like they don't have access to the marital funds or that one person controls the finances while the other doesn't.
Imbalanced Relationship
Couples talking about money early in the relationship reduces the risk of money imbalance in relationships. When one partner makes more money, there can be feelings of superiority or inferiority, creating an imbalance between you.
You must talk to your partner about handling money in all situations. If a situation comes up that you didn't address, it's essential to know how to talk to your partner about problems without fighting. The money conversation can bring up a lot of intense feelings, but try to keep an open mind and hear one another.
Not Being on the Same Page
Not being on the same page financially can feel as devastating as a spouse cheating. That's why discussing finances early in the relationship before you move in together, get engaged, or tie the knot, is important, so you know where one another stands with money.
This is a time to get serious about your conversation, asking about saving goals, salaries, career goals, debt, and one another's views on who should handle the finances, i.e. the different aspects of managing day-to-day finances in marriage, and the other partner's role.
Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity can have many appearances. For example, it could mean one spouse hides money from another, or a spouse spends more than you both agreed on and ruins your budget. It could also look like one partner hiding debts, or not being honest with one another about where they put the money.
If you suspect financial infidelity, it's best to confront your partner when you're both calm and you are able to ask important questions. If it's too difficult to confront your spouse, you can suggest you attend couples counseling together, too.
Money Discussions to Have With Your Significant Other
Knowing the things to talk about in a relationship concerning money is essential. Some of these discussions you can have early in the relationship, and others may wait until you get more serious.
Roles/Responsibility
You and your partner should have an equal say regarding the finances. For example, you might put one person 'in charge' of paying the bills, but that doesn't mean the other spouse can't see the bills or have a say in the budget.
Create roles, but also have regular meetings to discuss finances, money habits, and progress regarding your goals. For example, if one partner wants to invest money, you should decide who will handle the investments, how you will determine what to invest in, and what exit strategies you'll use.
Couples Budgeting/Sustainability
Being on the same page is just as important as creating a reasonable budget. Creating a budget one or both spouses can't stick to leads to fights about money and unstable relationships. Instead, create a plan you are both comfortable using and can stick to so there aren't feelings of regret or inferiority.
Inclusivity
Both partners should have a say about money. Even if one partner doesn't like to deal with money or one is 'better with money,' both should have an equal voice. There are benefits, too: talking about money brings you closer together; ensures you're making decisions that benefit both of you; and avoids money imbalance in relationships.
Transparency
Transparency is the key to avoiding fights about money. Of course, there can be a certain amount of secrecy with money so you can surprise one another or have some feeling of independence, but your financial situation should be an open book for the most part.
Short and Long-Term Financial Goals
Together, you should decide what short- and long-term financial goals you have. When you are in a new relationship, you might find your goals are very different. As you get more established in your relationship, it becomes easier to meet one another halfway, ensuring both partners feel heard and seen in the relationship.
As time goes on, you might find that your goals change, so it's a good idea to revisit them annually to ensure you're still on the same page and that changes aren't necessary. If you’re feeling stuck, zoom out — you both probably want to live your best lives and see your partner thrive, right? Start from there!
Talking Money With Your Partner
Talking money can feel intimidating at first. Here are some do’s and don'ts to help you start talking.
Do's
Focus on Strengths
Together, decide each partner's strengths with personal finance. For example, is one person better at keeping track of bills and another is good at preventing impulse buys? Maybe one partner has a passion for investing, and the other prefers to keep track of the savings account.
When divvying up the financial responsibilities, write down your strengths and focus on them.
Be Honest
There's no room for dishonesty in a relationship. Always be honest as you learn how to handle finances in a relationship. Even when you make a mistake or do something you know your spouse won't like, hiding it is much worse than getting it out in the open.
Discuss Value and Goals, Not Just Numbers
Numbers can be deceiving. Instead of talking numbers, talk value and values. For example, if there's a purchase you want to make but know that the cost will freak your partner out, talk about why the purchase means so much to you. If you were able to find a deal on it, bring numbers into the conversation, but often it's more about how the purchase makes you feel that's important.
Set Scheduled Follow-Up Meetings
Creating a budget one time and forgetting about it isn't enough. You must revisit your budget often. Set up regular personal finance meetings where you both know you'll talk money. This will put you in the right mindset, with an open mind and heart.
Listen
Successful relationships have partners that listen to one another. Even if you disagree with what your partner says, that doesn't mean you shut down. Instead, listen, try to understand, and find a middle ground so you both feel seen and heard.
Don'ts
Laying Blame
Pointing fingers and blaming someone for money mistakes only increases the stress levels. Instead, have an open mind, listen to what your partner says, and then figure out how to handle the situation together. Pointing fingers at someone doesn't make anything better, and the resulting hurt and tensions could cause it to take longer to overcome the issue.
Prying
When you talk money, don't make it seem like an inquisition. Instead, give each other time to talk openly about your finances and what's on your mind. If your partner doesn't bring something up and you think they are hiding something, ask detailed questions, but never make your partner feel like you're accusing them of something.
Unwilling to Compromise
Don't take the 'it's my way or the highway' mentality. All relationships require compromises, whether about money or other important topics. Be willing to listen to your partner, hear what your partner needs, and then find a way to meet halfway so that you both feel honored in the relationship.
Relationships and Money FAQ
Does Money Matter in a Relationship?
Money is a driving factor in most relationships. It brings you together with common goals and helps you live life the way you want. Feeling inferior when dealing with money or as if one spouse controls the money isn't healthy for any relationship.
How Should You Tell Your Partner About Debt?
Relationships are about honesty, so the easiest way to tell your partner about debt is to be upfront about it. Don't hide any debt, whether student or credit card debt. Instead, plan the conversation so that you aren't blindsiding your significant other, but be honest from day one about the debt you carry.
How Often Should Couples Discuss Finances?
The more often you talk money, the better. Ideally, you should have weekly check-ins. They can be brief but keep you and your significant other updated. If that's too often, at least set up monthly budget meetings so you can track your progress and challenges, plan together, and talk about money openly and honestly.
Should You Tell Your Partner How Much Money You Have?
It may feel like you're disclosing the most private part of your life, but it's important to share how much money you have. Not telling your significant other about your financial situation can feel like financial infidelity.
What Do You Do When Your Partner Is Financially Irresponsible?
Mistakes happen, so first, don't point blame. Next, figure out how to fix the situation. For example, if it causes fights about money and you can't get around it, consider working with a financial counselor who helps get couples talking about money and their financial problems.
How to Talk About Money With Your Partner: The Bottom Line
Knowing how to talk about money with your partner is the key to a happy marriage. Of course, this doesn't mean it will be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Life happens, and you'll find that you both have to pick up the pieces. The key is understanding how to talk about money, split up the money tasks, and always be on the same page on how you handle money. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
