Is It Wrong to Hide Money From Your Spouse
Money is tricky in any marriage, especially when one spouse wants financial independence. The thought of having money invested in your own name or keeping a separate account may make you wonder, is it wrong to hide money from your spouse?
The answer isn't always cut and dry.
Is It Wrong to Hide Money From Your Spouse?
Every relationship handles money differently. For example, some couples agree to have separate accounts, while others want joint accounts. Either situation is right, as long as it's what both partners want.
So is it wrong to hide money from your spouse?
It depends on your motives and the situation. Typically, stashing cash, spending without telling your spouse, or borrowing money without talking about it first is wrong. But there may be certain situations where it's warranted.
Why Hide Money From Your Significant Other
Financial secrecy usually causes trust issues in a relationship. It can even be grounds for divorce. But some situations may give you no choice but to have hidden money.
Leaving a Dangerous Environment
If you're in a physical, emotional, mental, or financially abusive relationship, you'll need courage and a financial safety net to leave. Whether it's only you or you have children, you need to get out of the situation, and you'll need your own money to do it.
How you go about this depends on your situation. For example, if your spouse makes you rely on them for money, you may need a loved one to help you set up a secret bank account to hide money. You may even consider having them put the account in their name so your spouse doesn't discover it.
Planning a Surprise
If you're planning to surprise your partner, first, be mindful of whether they like surprises. Not everyone does, trust me!
Next, consider how it will affect the household finances. Sure, a surprise is fun and can be a great way to let your loved one know how special they are, but if you go into credit card debt to pull it off, or your spouse doesn't like surprises, it might not be worth it.
Look at the big picture first.
Spouse Is Irresponsible With Money
You might want your own account if your spouse has bad money habits. I don't recommend doing this in secret, though.
It's always best to be open about your financial situation. If you worry about money and your partner's habits, talk to them about it. If you aren't comfortable bringing it up yourself, consider getting professional help. Let a professional start the conversation and lead you to talk to your spouse about their individual money habits and how they make you worry about your family finances.
Embarrassed About Your Own Financial Habits
Sometimes you need to hide money because you have financial secrets. For example, you might consider hiding money if you spend more than your spouse thinks is acceptable or have a lot of debt you aren't ready to share with your spouse.
Speaking as a professional, this usually isn't a good idea. Your spouse may see this as infidelity and cause them to lose trust in your relationship. Instead, consider full disclosure. Talk to your spouse about your habits and desire to change. Then you can work together to improve your financial well-being.
Repercussions of Hiding Money From Spouse
What happens if you decide hiding money is a good idea? Unfortunately, it usually doesn't usually end well. Here are some of the top repercussions I see in my practice (in non-abusive situations):
Distrust
Money plays an important role in any relationship. If you're hiding money, your spouse may have trouble trusting you. Many see it as a sign of infidelity. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, especially if you're in an abusive relationship or suspect divorce papers. In those cases, you may need a secret bank account or credit card to ensure you're safe when you're on your own.
Otherwise, being honest with your spouse about money matters is important. Even if you have bad habits, worry about your partner's habits, or even want to plan a surprise, get on the same page regarding your financial health and how you can each have financial independence and autonomy without feeling like it's infidelity.
Resentment
If your spouse discovers you're hiding money, it could lead to resentment. In addition, they may wonder why you would feel it was necessary to hide money rather than discuss the issues.
Even if you hide money because you're embarrassed by your spending habits or other financial issues, coming clean is always in the best interest of your relationship to avoid hard feelings.
Put Your Financial Stability In Jeopardy
Hiding money from your spouse can make it difficult for the unknowing spouse to make smart financial decisions. For example, suppose one spouse isn't aware of a secret credit card or secret spending. In that case, they may set financial goals that aren't possible or make bad financial decisions, putting your financial stability in jeopardy.
Alternatives to Hiding Cash - Couples Financial Therapy
Rather than hiding cash or having a secret fund from your spouse, consider alternatives. For example, couples financial therapy can be a great way to get on the same page with your spouse and fix your financial issues. Whether your partner makes less-than-optimal financial decisions or you have financial secrets you haven't shared, involving financial experts who can help you fix the financial issues and help with your marriage can be the perfect combination.
You and your spouse will feel better able to trust one another and handle the bank accounts more effectively, ensuring you reach your financial goals.
Financial Infidelity in Marriage - a Fine Line
Financial dishonesty in marriage can have detrimental effects on your relationship. It may start as 'innocently' hiding money, but it can quickly lead to financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is more than financial secrecy, typically involving flat-out lying to your spouse about money (or otherwise omitting clearly-relevant financial information). This can lead to even more mistrust or, if things go too far, even divorce proceedings. This is different than hiding money, but hiding cash can quickly lead to financial infidelity.
Protecting Yourself
I always suggest my clients learn how to protect themselves from a spouse that hides money, or the temptation to do it themselves. Fortunately, there are ways to prevent it.
Regular Financial Communication
Communication about your financial situation is the key to good fiscal management in your relationship. Create a budget, create financial plans, and discuss your financial health often. Make regular money dates to discuss your marital property and assets and progress in reaching your financial goals.
Being on the same page about both partners' income, paydays, expenses, and savings is important. Create a plan, and measure your progress. If you don't follow the plan, revamp it to create one that's easy for both of you to handle and avoids the need to hide cash.
Have Access to All Joint Accounts
If you have all joint accounts, then the transparency is essentially built in. If you have separate accounts, that's another story, but consider having at least one joint account for joint expenses like rent and groceries so you can access most of the funds.
This allows for more transparency, as hiding cash when you share an account is hard. In addition, if one spouse sees something alarming, they can bring it up to their partner and get the issues out in the open, reducing the risk of financial infidelity.
Check Your Credit Regularly
Everyone gets free access to their credit reports, so use the option. Check your reports for new activity, new accounts, or anything you didn't allow or didn't know about.
If you notice any of these issues, talk to your partner first, asking questions without accusing. Determine if you were subjected to fraudulent activity or if your spouse opened a secret account without telling you.
FAQs
Is It Illegal to Hide Money From Your Spouse in a Divorce?
It is illegal to hide money from your spouse in a divorce. Both parties must disclose all assets, debt, and income. You sign legal documents stating you are telling the truth, so hiding cash or having secret assets could be considered perjury.
What Is the Best Place to Hide Money?
It's never a good idea to hide money, but if you need to hide money legally from a spouse because you feel you are in danger, the best way may be to consider enlisting the help of a loved one. For example, ask someone to open an account for you or keep your cash safe so your spouse cannot find it.
If you're thinking about throwing a surprise party or buying a gift you don't want your spouse to know about, try using extra money you have from things like tax refunds, work bonuses, or money earned from a side hustle that wouldn't raise any red flags.
Is Financial Infidelity a Crime?
Financial infidelity isn't a crime, but if you get divorced, it can become a crime if you lie under oath about it. The law doesn't state how married couples must handle their finances, but not being open and honest can lead to divorce.
Hiding Money From Your Spouse - The Bottom Line
If you wonder 'is it wrong to hide money from your spouse', the answer is usually yes. But there are some exceptions. The key is to determine what decisions make you safe and protect you financially.
If you need help determining the best decision for your marriage or want to get your marriage back on track emotionally and financially, contact me today to see how I can help. Take advantage of my complimentary consultation here!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
