Time to Take Control: My Husband Is Financially Irresponsible
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
'My husband is financially irresponsible.'
Financial irresponsibility can be frustrating. You work hard to save and reach your financial goals while he is out spending the money.
So what gives?
It might feel like the end of the world, but there are ways to take control of the finances and your marriage to get things back on track.
Dealing With a Financially Irresponsible Spouse
When you say 'I do,' you promise to love your spouse for better or worse, which doesn't only mean during physical illness. Many issues could occur in a marriage, including financial irresponsibility.
If you find out after you exchange vows that your spouse doesn't handle money the way you do, it could cause problems.
The good news is it is easier to deal with it than you think, and it can save your marriage and help relieve the financial stress in the house.
Is Your Partner Financially Irresponsible?
Everyone has a different definition of what it means to be financially irresponsible.
For one person, it might be that they disagree with their spouse's spending habits; for another, it could be that a spouse doesn't ask before spending money on expensive items that drain the joint bank accounts.
Financial irresponsibility generally means living above your means, not saving money, not planning for the future, and ignoring any financial goals you set as a couple.
What Is Financial Infidelity vs. Financial Irresponsibility?
In my practice, many people confuse financial infidelity in marriage with financial irresponsibility. Of course, neither is good, but financial irresponsibility may not hurt as much as financial infidelity.
If a spouse commits financial infidelity, he does things intentionally, such as hiding cash, opening new bank accounts without telling you, or lying about purchases. In other words, he knows what he's doing, and he's trying to hide it from you.
An irresponsible person likely doesn't know any better, or perhaps struggles with impulse control, and only manages money matters the way he knows how. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it's also not intentional; he just doesn't understand personal finances and/or how to navigate his emotions around money.
My Husband Is Financially Irresponsible: What to Do
If your husband is financially irresponsible, there are some simple steps you can take to get your finances back on track.
1. Have a Heart-To-Heart Early on About Finances
It's important to talk about finances as soon as possible. Even routine financial matters should be discussed.
If you feel your spouse isn't taking your finances seriously, share your feelings and what you think could change. This isn't a time to point blame or make one another feel bad. Instead, it's a time to problem-solve and figure out how to get out of credit card debt, save more money, and deal with household expenses properly.
Speaking to a financial advisor or financial planner can help!
2. Be Honest About Your Concern for Their Financial Tendencies
Don't be afraid to be honest with your spouse about your concerns. But, again, such a talk isn't about blaming him for any financial conflicts you have. You want to ensure you're both on the same page and can reach your entire family's financial goals.
For example, if you feel your spouse's spending habits drain your account of every penny and you can't save for emergencies or other financial goals, talk about it. Then, come up with solutions to the issues so you can move forward.
3. Show Understanding and Communicate Clearly (Communication Is Key)
Communicating with your spouse is the key to a happy marriage. Money matters can feel intimidating, but when you discuss money matters, you become closer.
Give each partner time to talk about their financial concerns, and then find a way to solve them together. For example, consider setting up a monthly date to discuss how you spend money, so the issues never go on too long without discussing them.
4. Determine and Establish Financial Values and Views
Chances are you both came to the marriage with different views on financial values, but that doesn't mean you have to fight about it.
Instead, talk to one another about your financial values and views. Discuss your financial history- how you grew up with money, how it was handled, and how you manage money now. For example, if unpaid bills stress you out, while your spouse likes to wait until the due date to pay them, discuss this, and work out a plan so both of you feel honored.
5. Be the One Who Handles Your Household Finances
If you know your spouse can't be responsible with money, take over handling the finances. This doesn't mean you should ignore your partner or not fill him in on money matters, but you would be the partner dealing with household bills, debt, and savings.
In your regular money meetings, talk about your financial situation, where you stand, what was done this month, and your progress toward your goals. But until your spouse understands the best way to handle your finances, be the one that takes control.
6. Build a Budget and Stick To It
Everyone needs a budget, but it's even more important when you have a financially irresponsible spouse. A budget helps everyone be on the same page and understand where the finances must go.
Your spouse can see how much money you need for bill paying, how much you allocate for savings, and how much money you want to go to other goals, such as retirement, a house, or a vacation.
7. Create Financial Goals Together
You can create financial goals together even if you have an irresponsible spouse. This may help your partner's financial values increase. When he sees the value in the entire family's financial goals that everyone set and the excitement that occurs when you meet them, it can be a great way to get your spouse to take money more seriously.
8. Work With a Financial Professional if Necessary
If you try everything and you still can't get your spouse on the same page as you, consider financial counseling. Working with a financial professional that handles finances and marital problems can help you and your spouse work through the underlying issues and begin seeing eye to eye.
Financial Infidelity and Irresponsibility Red Flags
If you aren't sure if your spouse is financially irresponsible or committing financial infidelity, here are some red flags to consider.
1. Continued and Often Compulsive Lying About Money
Does your spouse lie about where he spent money or how much money he made? For example, if he works a side job and gets paid cash, does he stash it away and not tell you, or maybe only give you a portion of it?
2. Hiding Purchases or Withdrawals From a Partner
Have you caught your spouse withdrawing funds from the bank account without telling you or getting cashback for purchases to fuel his spending habits?
This is more than irresponsibility. For example, when a person withdraws funds purposely, he knows what he's doing but chooses not to share it with you.
3. Repetitive Financial Troubles
If you've talked to your spouse about the financial stress and troubles his irresponsibility caused, but he doesn't stop, it's a red flag. Likewise, if you have regular money meetings, and your spouse doesn't change his habits, it's a sign that he doesn't know how to change, doesn’t grasp the seriousness of the situation, or doesn't care.
4. Continuously Borrows Money
Is your spouse continuously borrowing money and not paying it back? Even if he pays it back, if you've asked him not to borrow money and create more debt, it can be a sign of financial irresponsibility.
Another sign of financial irresponsibility is the need to constantly borrow money to make ends meet, even when you make enough money to live your current lifestyle. It means someone in the relationship has bad spending habits and spends the money needed for household bills.
5. Overspends and Lives Far Above Means
If your spouse constantly overspends or doesn't consider how much money you need to cover bills, it could cause problems. Maybe your spouse doesn't consider your bills and debt and spends whatever he wants. If his spending results in you living above your means and relying on credit cards and other borrowed funds, it's a sign of financial stress.
6. Outstanding Bills and Monthly Payments
If you can't meet your financial obligations because of your spouse's spending habits, it's time to change things. Even if you handle the finances, if when you go to pay the bills you find less money available than you thought, it could cause financial troubles.
7. Debilitating Piles of Debt
If your pile of debts continually increases, and you find you have maxed out credit cards, it could be hard to get ahead of your debt. A financially irresponsible person may ignore the credit card balances and continue spending.
8. An Excess or Overabundance of Money
Believe it or not, having too much money can cause behavioral issues. Your partner may not think about money or finances and spend however he wants, and this may continue even when money isn't abundant.
9. A Lack of or Under-Abundance of Money
If your spouse is in the middle of his career and should have money saved based on how much he makes, it could be a sign of financial trouble. Talk about your desire to save money and how you can create a budget to ensure you two save more.
10. Poor Credit
A person's credit score signifies his/her ability to handle finances. A low credit rating means that person doesn't pay his bills on time, overextends his credit, and possibly has collection agents knocking on his door.
11. No Savings, Even Minuscule
Not having any savings, even a few dollars, to show they are trying is a red flag. Everyone needs an emergency fund or money to fall back on, and if there are no savings, it's a sign that the person likely spends all the money.
12. No Set Financial Goals or Aspirations
A person with no financial goals or who doesn't like to talk about money could be trouble. You want someone with financial goals who will share them with you so that together you can create a budget that works for the household.
FAQs
Is a Marriage Savable After Repeated Financial Infidelity?
Learning your spouse committed financial infidelity can be devastating, but you can recover from it. The key is to seek marriage counseling from a counselor that understands marital issues and financial stress.
Who Can I Speak to if My Husband Has Ruined Us Financially?
It's best to speak to a financial professional if your husband ruined you financially. Having a neutral third party who understands finances can help you figure things out and take baby steps to get back on track.
How Do I Bring up a Conversation That I Know My Husband Hides His Finances From Me?
It's not easy to initiate a conversation about finances when you think your husband is hiding money, but it's necessary. It's often best to enlist the help of a professional, such as a marriage or financial counselor, who can guide you through the conversation and help make it productive.
My Husband Is Financially Irresponsible: What to Do Bottom Line
If you think 'my husband is financially irresponsible,' act now. Bringing up complicated money matters can feel stressful, but it's essential. If you can't do it alone, consider enlisting the help of a financial counselor to help you and your partner get on the same page.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
