My Husband* Makes All the Money
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
If you think 'my husband makes all the money' so I don't have a say in our finances, think again. A marriage is a relationship between two people who love each other for who they are, not for how much money they make.
If you two decided that you would stay home with the kids and your husband would work, it's essential to understand how to handle relationships and money so you are both on equal ground.
Money in Relationships: How Should Married Couples Split Finances
Married couples often face the dilemma of how to handle their finances. Do you keep combined finances, separate accounts, or a combination? It's a common debate and can even cause marriage problems when you aren't on the same page.
For example, if one spouse works and the other doesn't, there can be feelings of inferiority. The spouse who makes more money may feel like they are in charge of the funds and that the other partner must ask permission to use it.
Some wives feel they don't have the right to spend money when they don't work. Even if their husband hasn’t said anything, it's just how they feel. Because they don't physically bring money into the household, they feel like kids who have to ask their parents for an allowance.
This often happens when the husband is the sole breadwinner, and the wife is a stay-at-home mom. Wives can feel guilty about spending money because they don't work, or husbands can make them feel like they don't have the right to spend money because they don't make it.
Many couples don't realize that women do just as much work when they are home raising the kids as they would if they worked. In addition, when wives work outside the home, there are other services and expenses to cover because there isn't someone at home 24/7 to manage the household.
Many husbands don't realize this, though, which can cause marital issues, especially when a wife feels less than or like she doesn't have her right to a fair share of the money.
My Husband Makes All the Money: Money Imbalance in Relationships
Money imbalance in relationships can cause fights about money. At first, women are usually excited to be a stay at home moms. They love spending time with their children and are relieved to not deal with the stress of working outside the home.
As time passes, though, and it becomes apparent that the husband's salary covers all the living expenses and bills, a husband can become more controlling with money. Some husbands feel that because their wives aren't making any money, or at least not the same amount as they are, they don't have the right to the money. As a result, they can keep wives in the dark about bank accounts, financial goals, and a woman's financial future.
It's easy to see it as a black and white situation — you don't get money if you don't work. But that's not the case in a solid marriage. When you decide to have one parent stay home, that's what you chose as a couple. It's not like wives refuse to go to work. Instead, they talk about their values with their spouses and decide that they would prefer to stay at home and raise their kids instead of paying someone else to do it for them.
But this can cause problems in the relationship when a husband works all the time and feels resentful.
Relationship Issues Stemming From Income Inequality
When there is income inequality in a relationship, there could be relationship issues if you aren't careful. Here are some of the most common marriage problems couples experience.
Imbalance of Power
There's often an imbalance of power when a husband makes the money for the household. Husbands can feel like they get to say where the money goes because they do the work. However, when women don't work but stay home with the kids, many husbands have difficulty seeing the financial benefits of what a woman does and try to exert power.
Many women end up feeling powerless in their marriage, which is often one of the reasons for marriage failure. Instead of making a woman feel helpless or even guilty for not working, men should realize the worth of what they do for the family.
Just because a woman isn't working outside the house right now doesn't mean she doesn't do the same degree of work that her husband does outside the home. Women can have valuable input on handling their finances — after all, your family’s financial goals and values should be set as a team — and have the right to spend money as their budget allows.
Guilt
Guilt is a problem many couples experience in their marriage, especially when one spouse doesn't work at all. You might feel like you don't have the right to spend if you don't bring money into the household.
Even if your husband doesn't explicitly say you don't have a right to spend money, you might feel it yourself. Even if you don't have excessive spending habits, it can feel like you should ask your spouse for permission to spend the money he brings into the household.
Guilt can cause marital issues because it can ruin other aspects of your marriage. You might find yourself holding back emotionally or even feeling angry at your husband because he works and you don't. Not being able to spend freely can feel like you're back under your parents' roof, asking them for an allowance.
Resentment
Many husbands feel resentment when their spouse spends money, especially if she doesn't work. This is when relationships and money can get tricky. If your husband feels like he has all the power and that you shouldn't be spending anything, it can lead to fights.
Even if you are buying things your kids need or items for the household, husbands can often resent that you're out spending money while they are at work. From the outside looking in, husbands feel like it's all work and no play for them, while their wives seem to get to have all the fun.
Financial Infidelity
Some women feel like they have to hide their spending so that they don't have marriage problems. Many women think it's easier to hide what they spend rather than fess up and risk being scolded or feeling guilty for what they spent.
Lying about money in relationships can be the straw that breaks the camel's back, though. Not being honest with one another about money issues can lead to lying about other things. Even if you don't lie about other matters, it can be hard for a spouse to trust someone that they caught lying in the first place.
How to Handle Financial Issues and Avoid Conflict
If you're thinking, 'my husband makes all the money, what do I do?', the good news is there are ways to have a happy marriage and finances at the same time, even if there is financial inequality in your relationship.
Create a Budget Together
It's best to keep each other on the same page. Putting one person in charge of paying the bills and managing the budget is fine, but the discussions should be open between both of you. Putting one person in charge of making sure the bills are paid is about accountability, but how the money is spent should be a joint decision.
Together you and your spouse decided you would be a stay-at-home parent. This means you both committed to having one income, but there would also be a parent home with your children 24/7. That was a joint decision, and your spending choices should be one, too.
When you create a budget together, you can work on your financial goals as a team and be on the same page. This lowers the risk of one spouse spending more money than they should or leaving one spouse feeling financially insecure.
Discuss Financial Dynamics
Keeping with the open book, discuss your financial dynamics so you are on the same page. Talk to one another about what you hope to achieve now and in the future.
Talk about important topics such as retirement (for both the working and non-working spouse), goals for homes, cars, paying for college, and emergency savings. Make sure you're both on the same page about your assets, your debts, and how you want to handle those debts.
If currently one partner works while the other does not, then discuss how long this will be your reality. Do you plan to stay home until your children move out, until they are in school full-time, or something else?
Even if you have different visions to start, when you are able to arrive at the same ideas about how you'll handle finances today and in the future, then your marriage and finances will feel more secure.
Acknowledge Non-Financial Contributions
To avoid marriage problems, it's important to acknowledge the effort and work the non-working spouse puts into the relationship. For example, when a husband comes home after a long day at work, it's easy to feel relationship resentment when you see your spouse home all day playing with the kids.
Instead of assuming the day was all about laying around and having fun, talk about your day together. Recognize the equal amounts of work a wife puts in when she stays home with the kids. It may even help to look up the value of a woman's many “jobs” when she stays home, such as house cleaner, chef, nurse, psychologist, bookkeeper, and more. When a husband sees the value of all that a woman or any stay-at-home parent handles, then it's a lot easier to feel grateful for everything that parent is doing.
Schedule Check-ins
Consider regular check-ins to keep you and your spouse on equal ground. This should happen when you and your spouse are alone and can discuss your finances. Relationships and money are both hard work, but they can be successful when you put the time in and have the right approach.
Take your talks on a walk, out for coffee, or schedule a regular date night where you spend an hour or so talking about money and how things are going. This gives you time to air your grievances, work out any money issues and keep your relationship strong.
Seek Couples Financial Counseling
There's no shame in getting help with your relationship and money, especially since so many couples have issues with money. When you can see a coach who handles not only money issues but also couples counseling, you get the best of both worlds. You and your spouse can get the help you need to understand one another, get back on track financially, and enjoy your life together.
My Husband Makes All the Money FAQ
What Are the Signs of a Financially-Toxic Marriage?
A financially-toxic marriage can be harmful to your health and wellness, so being able to recognize the signs is important. For example, when you're dealing with an unequal financial relationship, you might experience your husband as jealous, using controlling behavior, being resentful, or even constantly lecturing or yelling at you. If you don't feel like you have an equal say in your household finances, it could be a sign that you're in a toxic relationship.
Should a Wife Know How Much the Husband Earns?
A marriage should have open communication, which includes disclosing how much money each spouse makes. Not telling your spouse how much you make can lead to financial infidelity and trust issues in the relationship. However, when both the husband and wife know how much money comes into the house and what the monthly expenses are, you can both stick to the budget and help reach your financial goals.
What Is Financial Infidelity in a Marriage?
Financial infidelity occurs when spouses aren't honest with one another about money. For example, one spouse might hide purchases from another, or the working spouse may not share all the information about the family finances with the non-working spouse. No matter how you look at it, financial infidelity means lying to one another about money, which can lead to troubled finances and marriage.
How Much Money Should My Husband Give Me if He Is the Family Breadwinner?
In a solid relationship, there isn't a certain amount of money one spouse should give to another. Both spouses should be on the same page about your budget, money for spending, and how close you are to reaching your financial goals. Husbands shouldn't have their wives on allowance. Instead, everyone should have an equal say in handling household income.
The Bottom Line
If you think 'my husband makes all the money,' that doesn't mean you don't have a say in the family finances or shouldn't have any money to spend. Family money is money for the household. Together you and your spouse decided how you would handle the family dynamics, and if that included one partner staying home with the kids, then so be it.
There's no reason to punish a spouse that doesn't work by withholding money. Instead, you should be able to make decisions together about your money and marriage so that you are equal partners and both happy in the relationship! Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
