My Wife* Got a Credit Card Without Telling Me: What Next?
I hear from a lot of people saying, 'my wife* got a credit card without telling me; what do I do?'
I know how disheartening this situation can be, but I have many tools and methods to help you work through the situation and create a solid financial relationship.
*Of course this can be the case regardless of the genders of the partners.
My Wife Got a Credit Card Without Telling Me: What Do I Do?
If you've recently discovered your wife opened a credit card account without telling you, there are likely a lot of questions going through your mind.
Why would she get a new credit card? What is she hiding?
You might also wonder what will happen if you get divorced or even if you stay married. Are you liable for the charges? If you are, you might worry about your credit scores and how they'll be affected. It can also be worrisome that you suddenly have more debt to handle.
When finding out your wife got a new credit card account, take a step back, breathe, and create a plan.
Attacking her with heated questions or accusations will only increase the tension. Instead, take a moment to understand financial infidelity and how it might apply in this situation.
Defining Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity occurs when a spouse hides money or doesn't tell a spouse about a significant financial decision, such as opening a new credit card.
Every couple has a different definition of infidelity and what they will and will not accept. So for you, it's time to decide — how serious it is to you that your spouse opened a credit card?
Ask yourself these questions:
Did she open a separate account, or are both names on the credit card?
Was she trying to hide the credit card statements?
Did she spend money you don't have, and now you have to find a way to make ends meet?
If she opened the account in your name, it could be credit card fraud and come with criminal charges since she didn't get your permission to open the account.
How Do I Overcome Financial Infidelity With My Spouse?
If you discover your spouse opened a credit card in either your name or her name alone, you may feel she is being dishonest and not know how to move forward. Here are some key methods I recommend.
Communication - Communication is vital during stressful financial situations. Try to communicate no matter how angry you are with your wife or how hurt you are by the transaction.
Don't talk when you're elevated and bound to say something you regret. Instead, wait until you are calm and can think rationally. If you can't bring yourself to talk to your spouse yourself, consider hiring a financial coach or counselor to help you start the conversation.
Be Truthful - Throughout the conversations, be truthful with one another. Your wife lied once, so it may not be easy to trust her again, but it's vital if you want to fix the relationship.
In your discussions, be honest with her about your feelings. Don't hide how hurt you are that you're held liable for her actions or mistakes. You can also discuss your financial worries about her opening a new account and that she didn't bring it up to you beforehand.
Budget and Plan Together - Once you're on the same page, consider budgeting and planning together. If she made unauthorized credit card charges, discuss how you should take care of them, and consider calling the credit card issuer to cancel the account. Since the card is in your name, you're responsible for them, too (unless you successfully claim that they were fraudulent charges, which may not be the best path since it’s your spouse on the other end). If you're trying to fix the relationship, you'll likely want to work out a budget to take care of any credit card balance and move forward with a new plan to handle your finances.
Difference Between Financial Infidelity and Irresponsibility
I want to be clear that there are distinct differences between financial irresponsibility and infidelity.
Irresponsibility refers to overspending, not following the budget you created, or not discussing large purchases before making them.
A financially irresponsible wife doesn't purposely spend too much money or not follow the budget to get back at you; she just has difficulty managing her spending or doesn't understand aspects of your financial situation or approach. By the way, this can and does happen regardless of the spouse’s gender! Unfortunately, this misunderstanding can be just as damaging to your credit report as infidelity.
However, a wife committing infidelity with your finances may hide money in ways you would never fathom, which will most likely affect your credit report.
Financial Infidelity Signs:
Hiding a Purchase - Wives trying to hide money won't show their purchases. They'll sneak them in when you're at work and switch physical credit card statements to virtual statements, so you don't see the bills. They won't talk about their purchases and won't go shopping with you; everything will feel like it's done under the radar to avoid you knowing.
Taking Out Cash or Cashback Without Telling Your Spouse - Wives trying to hide money may take cash out of the ATM or get cash back at the register when paying for a purchase without consulting you first. While ATM withdrawals are harder to hide, taking cash back at the register looks like a part of the purchase, which is less suspicious for you when reviewing the accounts.
Secret Savings Accounts - Sometimes, women hiding money open separate bank accounts or safe deposit boxes. They'll keep money in these accounts that you don't know about, and they won't disclose it. And since your name isn't on the accounts, you won't have access to them.
Hiding Bills and Payments - Women who overspend may suddenly try to hide the bills and payments. You may notice there aren't paper statements, and you don't get notifications of the bills due. Your wife may also spontaneously take over paying the bills so that you won't see the money she's spent.
Opening Secret or Unauthorized Use of Credit Cards - You might notice statements from cards you don't recognize or cards you didn't know were being used. Your wife may rack up unauthorized charges on credit cards or have cards you didn't even know existed (and your name may even be on them!).
Freely Spending and/or Being Unfair in Spending - Your wife might start spending haphazardly without discussing it with you. If you have a threshold amount you can each spend without discussing it, she might go well above it and not care. She may even tell you that she doesn't care about the spending limits and will continue spending what she wants.
My Wife Ran up Credit Card Debt Without Me Knowing
If you're thinking, 'my wife got a credit card without telling me,' and now you have this debt you didn't know existed, you're probably worried, and for good reason.
First, you must find out if your name is on the credit card.
Is a Spouse Responsible for the Credit Card Debt of the Other Spouse?
If you remain married and the credit card isn't in your name, you aren't responsible for the debt. As a result, your spouse's credit score will be affected, but yours won't. If you divorce, though, depending on whether you live in a community property state, you might be liable for some of the charges unless your divorce attorney can prove it's not your account.
Check your credit report often, and if you see any suspicious activity and wish to pursue legal action, file an identity theft report. Many credit card companies, financial institutions, or other website offer a free credit report with their services.
The legality of Opening a Credit Card in Your Spouse's Name
There are serious considerations when opening a credit card in someone else's name, even your spouse. In most cases, it's against the law*.
*Note that this article is for general, informational purposes only, and it should not be considered legal, tax, or investment advice. For help with your specific situation, contact the appropriate professional.
Is It Card Fraud if Someone Opened a Credit Card in My Name?
Without permission, it is credit card fraud to open an account in your name. Since fraud has legal consequences, the situation could get messy if you separate or divorce.
If you fear that you may be at risk of fraud or having your identity stolen, file an initial fraud alert with the credit bureaus to protect yourself. You can also look into ‘freezing’ your credit. If you are already a victim of a fraudulent account, you can file an extended fraud alert.
Is the Law Different Between Spouses and Family Members?
Many assume it's acceptable to apply for a credit card in a spouse's name, especially if you know their Social Security number, but it's not. If your spouse doesn't give permission, they should not be on the credit card application.
This is to protect all interested parties from fraudulent accounts and/or purchases, as if your spouse puts your name on a credit card account, you are responsible for the debt/charges even if they don't actually belong to you.
FAQs
How Do You Tell a Spouse About a Secret Credit Card or Money Stash?
It takes a little detective work to see if your spouse or a family member has a secret credit card or money stash. First, keep an eye out for unusual statements you don't recognize. Also, look for signs that your spouse is nervous, such as changing statements (i.e. how they get sent/delivered), not talking about money, or getting angry if you bring up the topic.
How Do You Protect Yourself From Credit Card and Identity Fraud, Even From Your Family Members?
Initiate a credit freeze to protect yourself from credit card or identity theft. This stops all activity on your credit reports, including opening new credit cards. If you want to open credit cards or other accounts yourself, you must unfreeze your credit to apply and then refreeze it. This way, no one other than you can open new credit.
The Bottom Line
It's never a good feeling to think, 'my wife got a credit card without telling me', but there are ways to work through it. The key is to find out the truth, communicate, and plan your steps moving forward.
Contact me today if you'd like help navigating these murky waters to save your marriage and get back on your financial footing. If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my complimentary consultation!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
