Who Pays for the Wedding? The Truth About Cost-Splitting
You're finally engaged, and now you wonder, who pays for the wedding? The good news is that there isn't a right or wrong answer to this question. Whether the bride or groom's parents pay for the wedding doesn't make the special day any different.
Who knows, you may even pay for the wedding yourselves. While traditional expectations state that the bride's family pays for most of the expenses, it doesn't have to be that way anymore.
It's really up to you and your partner to decide what you are comfortable with and want for your special day.
Understanding Traditional Wedding Costs
The average cost of traditional weddings increases each year, and 2023 was no exception. According to The Knot, the average couple spent $35,000 on the ceremony and reception, an increase of $5,000 from 2022.
Here are the typical list of wedding costs:
The venue
Catering
Photography and videography
Music for the ceremony and reception
Flowers
Alcohol
Rehearsal dinner
Wedding dress and groom's attire
Transportation
Ceremony music
Desserts
Wedding planner
Favors
Officiant fee
Who Traditionally Pays for the Wedding?
It's no secret that weddings are expensive, but who should pay for them? While there certainly are traditions regarding what the bride and groom's family pays, couples today do things much differently. Some stick with tradition, with the bride's parents paying most of the costs, but just as many couples take on some or all of the expenses themselves.
Here's the traditional breakdown.
Bride's Family Responsibilities
The bride's family is traditionally responsible for the following:
Pre-wedding celebrations, such as an engagement party
The bride's wedding gown and attire
Invitations
Photographer and videographer
Wedding planner
Transportation for the bride and the bride's family
Ceremony and reception venue
Flowers, including the bride's bouquet
Wedding cake
Brunch the day after the wedding
Groom's Family Responsibilities
The groom's family is traditionally responsible for the following:
Marriage license and any legal fees
Rehearsal dinner
Bride's flowers
Reception music
Transportation for the groom and the groom's family
Alcohol for the reception
Honeymoon
Couple's Responsibilities
Typically, the bride and groom each have some small responsibilities, including:
Bride
Hair and makeup for the wedding day
Bridesmaids' gifts
Groom's wedding band
Groom
The groom's wedding day attire
Groomsmen gifts
Bride's wedding band (and engagement ring)
Modern Approaches To Wedding Expenses
While there are many traditions regarding who pays for the wedding, today's couple tends to take charge and handle many, if not all, of the expenses. This could be largely due to many couples getting married much later in life. When you are already established in your career and have had time to save for the wedding, you may not rely on your parents as much as couples did years ago.
From 1980 to 2011, the average age of a married couple rose from 22 to 26.5. Today, the average couple is 32 when they get married. That's a ten-year age difference, which can make a drastic impact on the money a couple has saved or even earns to pay for the wedding.
Budget Conversations About Wedding Finances
It's best not to assume either side of the family will help with the wedding costs. Instead, it's important that the bride and groom first discuss how they want to handle the wedding budget and then talk to the family.
Bride and Groom Discussions
The first conversation should be between the bride and groom. Together, you should decide important things like the size of your wedding, where you'll get married, and how you'll pay for it. This is a time to be open with one another about your finances and how much you may have saved for this day.
Share ideas with one another and be open-minded, as each partner may have a different idea of how to handle the wedding costs. After you discuss your ideas, ideally getting on the same page, you can then consider having conversations with your family members.
If you need mediation for financial discussions, contact me for a free consultation.
Family Discussions
After you and your soon-to-be spouse discuss how you'll handle the wedding expenses, you can ask your family members what they are willing to contribute. Rather than asking what they want to pay for, consider asking if they want to contribute to your wedding or if they have other ideas in mind. This way, no one feels put on the spot, and they can be honest with you on what they plan to do.
Keep in mind that if your family contributes, they may think they have a say in the arrangements. Make sure that all parties are on the same page about finances and how you'll handle the planning as you make your plans.
Factors Influencing Who Pays for the Wedding
Some people value traditional wedding etiquette, but many other factors influence who pays for the wedding.
Cultural, Religious, or Regional Traditions
Your family's cultural, religious, or even regional traditions may determine who pays for each part of the wedding. This is a discussion to have with your soon-to-be spouse and your family. If you don't agree with how things are typically handled, talk with your parents, church leader, or anyone else who may influence how you handle the wedding traditions.
Financial Standing of Families or Couples
No two couples or families have the same ability to afford a wedding. Before creating a wedding budget, be realistic about what you can afford. It doesn't make sense to put yourself as a new couple or your family under financial stress.
Personal Preferences or Modern Values of Equality
Of course, there's always personal preference. For some couples, it's important to them to pay for the wedding themselves. They don't want the help of their families and want to handle all expenses themselves, even if that means having a smaller wedding. It's important to make your desires heard and to work with your partner to have a wedding you both want, as it's the start of your new life together.
Budgeting for Your Wedding
When budgeting for your wedding, it's important to determine what you and your partner want to prioritize rather than following traditional or even the typical budget. If you need a starting point, here is a typical wedding cost breakdown with the averages for most wedding budgets:
Venue and catering (40%): The space you rent for the reception, or even the ceremony and reception, will take up most of your budget along with the food you serve, whether catering or the venue serves it.
Wedding planner (5%): A wedding planner isn't required to have the wedding of your dreams, but some couples prefer to have someone handle the details for them. Only include this service in your budget if it fits.
Photography and videography (10%): Photographs and videos are something you'll cherish for the rest of your life, so you may want to prioritize this in your budget to ensure you get the highest quality photos and videos.
Music (10%): Consider the music for your ceremony, dinner, and dancing afterward. You may need to hire a pianist, singer, and/or DJ for the celebrations.
Flowers (10%): Decorations and flowers can quickly eat up your budget, so be careful. Remember that you'll see and use these items for a short time, so you may want to prioritize other expenses, such as photographs or music, and forgo expensive flowers.
Wedding attire (10%): The wedding dress will likely take up most of the wedding attire budget, but don't forget to include the groom's attire, alterations, and hair and makeup for the bride.
Invitations (5%): Invitations may include save-the-date cards, wedding invitations, and thank-you cards for after the wedding. It should also include invitations for any other celebrations, such as the engagement party or bridal shower.
Wedding rings (2%): The wedding band budget doesn't include the engagement ring. This should cover the wedding bands plus any insurance you purchase for them.
Favors and gifts (2%): Thanking your guests and wedding party for being a part of your special day is a nice gesture. It doesn't have to be anything huge but a sweet gesture to thank them.
Cake and dessert (2%): The wedding cake can be a big deal at a reception and makes for wonderful photos and videos when the bride and groom cut it at the reception. In this budget, you should also include other dessert options, such as a sweets table.
Transportation (2%): Consider how the bride and groom will get to the ceremony and venue. Also, consider transportation for any out-of-town guests or the bride’s and groom's families.”@
Miscellaneous (2%): It's always a good idea to leave a little room in your budget for any categories you overspend.
Don't Let Wedding Costs Cause Conflict – Let's Build a Plan for Financial Harmony!
If you and your spouse aren't on the same page when planning the wedding budget or discussing who pays for the wedding, contact me for a free consultation. There's no need for anyone to go into debt for their wedding day, and there are ways to ensure financial harmony for all parties involved while enjoying one of the most special days of your lives.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
