Identifying the Symptoms and Solutions of Financial Dishonesty in Marriage
Financial dishonesty in marriage is one of the top reasons for divorce, but it doesn't have to be. To avoid it, you should understand what constitutes financial infidelity and how to stop lying in a relationship.
Some instances of financial infidelity can be overcome, while others are so bad that partners have difficulty believing their spouse could be honest again.
What Is Financial Dishonesty in Marriage
Financial dishonesty in marriage can be a big problem. You may have heard it called financial infidelity, but they're pretty much the same thing. The label is less important than the conduct and how it affects your finances and your relationship.
A spouse lying about finances, spending habits, money, or debt can cause issues between married couples. Money conversations can be challenging, but 100% honesty is essential in any marriage, especially when it comes to money.
Effects of Being Lied to by Spouse
Financial dishonesty can cause many issues between married couples. Most people lose trust in their partner when they realize they've been lied to about money. It can also significantly affect your finances. Depending on the types of lies told, you could end up in credit card debt or have ruined credit because of unpaid bills or excessive debt.
It can feel impossible to get over financial infidelity, but support is available to help you and your spouse overcome your challenges.
Why a Spouse May Lie About Money
You might wonder why one spouse would lie about money. Couples deal with a lot of stress and difficult situations, so why would money be any different? While no two couples are the same, here are some common reasons for committing financial infidelity.
Feelings of Shame
Most people aren't proud of their financial mistakes, but some feel shameful. This often happens in cases of addiction, such as gambling, drugs, or alcohol. However, financial shame can also occur when one partner has bad spending habits, especially if they’re putting the couple into severe debt.
Poor Financial Habits
No one likes to admit they have bad financial habits. Whether the person responsible for the financial issues entered the marriage with these issues or they developed over time, it can be embarrassing.
No one likes to admit they spent too much money or made poor financial decisions that negatively affected the couple's financial situation.
Power
Some people like to have power, knowing they have control of the finances. Not sharing essential details about the household finances, bank accounts, debts, and expenses can make such people feel like they have power over the other spouse.
Financial Infidelity Signs
If you're worried about financial dishonesty in marriage, here are some telltale signs to look for in your spouse.
Frequent Cash Back Withdrawals
If you suddenly notice your partner withdraws cash frequently from the ATM or purchases seem more significant or frequent, there may be a larger issue at hand. Your partner may be withdrawing money for purposes they don't want to share.
This is one of the main signs of financial infidelity. When a person has cash, they don't have to answer for how they are spending money. They usually hope you don't notice the cash withdrawals and can hide it by asking for cashback at retailers when they make a regular purchase, such as groceries.
Money Stashes
If you have a joint account with your spouse, they might consider stashing cash to keep it away from you. This is commonly combined with frequent cashback withdrawals. They get the money from the ATM or a retail store and stash it somewhere you can't see it.
If you stumble across a large stash of money hidden in a drawer, closet, or other inconspicuous place, it could be one of the signs of financial infidelity.
Hiding Purchases
Hiding purchases often happens in relationships where someone commits financial infidelity. When you're married, you should be on the same page about your budget, spending, and a threshold for what each partner can spend without asking one another.
If a spouse begins hiding purchases because they know they shouldn't spend the funds, or you'd be mad, it could lead to repeated financial infidelity.
Hiding a Separate Account/Credit Card
Some spouses try to overcome financial infidelity by 'fixing' their mistakes. For example, they often think that opening a new credit card and transferring balances can 'fix' the issue, but it only puts a Band-Aid on it; the problem isn't fixed.
If you suddenly see bills from credit card companies or banks you haven't seen before, it could be a sign of a hidden bank account or credit card.
Defensive/Secretive Behaviors
You might notice a behavior or personality change in your spouse. This happens when they know they're doing something wrong but aren't ready to admit it. Financial matters are complicated for some people to discuss, so they'd rather lie about the issue.
How to Deal With a Lying Partner
If you suspect lying in a relationship, getting proper help is essential. For example, you may turn to a trusted family member or friend or seek professional financial therapy.
Here are a few ways to deal with a lying partner.
Regular Financial Communication
Once you suspect your husband lies and hides things (or any other type of spouse or partner), it's time to open the lines of communication. It can feel complicated at first, especially when you feel betrayed, but having money conversations is essential to overcome financial infidelity.
Choose a time to talk with your spouse so that you can concentrate and not get too emotional about the situation. Don't accuse or point blame; instead, try to rebuild trust by working with a relationship expert to help you set mutual goals and create a household budget that works for both partners.
Discuss Wants, Needs, and Values
As you work through the financial transgressions, you should get on the same page about your money and life goals.
This is a perfect time to discuss one another's wants, needs, and values. It's okay if they're not identical, but you should find common ground to help build a foundation.
From there, you can honor each other's ideas, meeting halfway so both partners feel included and respected. When both partners feel they have a say in money matters and goals, this can help prevent financial infidelity.
Honesty
There's no room for compulsive lying about money in a relationship. Honesty is always best. Even if one partner makes a mistake, owning up to it and finding ways to fix it is always best. No one is perfect; we are all human. However, a mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow, and when you're honest with each other, you can both learn and grow from the money issues together.
Set and Adhere to an Agreed-Upon Budget
Creating a household budget is key to properly handling your finances. Unfortunately, many people avoid budgets because they think they're restrictive, but they are one of the best ways to prevent financial infidelity.
When you create a budget together, you can be on the same page, understanding spending limits, progress made on goals, and how much debt you have. At first, setting boundaries with a lying spouse may feel right, and it usually is, but talking with a relationship expert can help you decide.
Create Goals Together
When you and your spouse have mutual goals, wanting to work together is easier. You might have separate and combined goals, and that's okay. When one partner doesn't feel 'in control,' you can struggle to reach your money goals; therefore, the key is to keep each other in the loop so there aren't any reasons to lie in the relationship.
Work With a Professional
Sometimes working with a professional is necessary to move past trust issues after being lied to. For example, when you work with a professional who understands your financial situation and financial infidelity, you can learn strategies to overcome the issues and achieve peace and harmony in your marriage.
Financial Dishonesty vs. Financial Irresponsibility
Many people assume financial dishonesty and irresponsibility are the same, but they are very different, and one is worse than the other.
Let's look at an example.
John and his wife, Mary, have a joint bank account and a budget they created together. A few years into the marriage, John starts having drinking problems. While he drinks, he spends money not only on alcohol but also on gambling.
His spending gets so bad that it begins affecting the household finances. To prevent Mary from seeing this, John takes over the grocery shopping and other errands, so he always has a way to get cash back at the register without Mary knowing. Before he realizes it, John puts his and Mary's entire financial lives in danger, not to mention their marriage.
Now let's look at Mark and Annie, who have also been married for five years. Mark handles most of the finances, but Annie knows their income, loans, and how much money they have in the savings account.
Mark lost his job during their marriage, and it took a while to find another one. Instead of cutting back on their expenses, he kept the same lifestyle. This put Mark and Annie in major debt and created credit problems.
However, Mark never kept Annie in the dark. He wasn't hiding money, and he didn't deliberately choose to lie to Annie about their financial situation. This is a common example of financial irresponsibility, not financial infidelity.
Should Financial Infidelity Be Forgiven?
Every relationship is different. Some couples can work through financial infidelity and become stronger, especially with the help of a professional counselor. Other couples can't get over the financial and emotional cheating that occurred and can't work the relationship out.
The Bottom Line
If you suspect financial dishonesty in marriage, consider getting help. The earlier you address the issues, the easier it is to bounce back emotionally and achieve financial security again. Financial infidelity can feel a lot like sexual infidelity with a different outcome. Secret debt, hidden savings, and excessive spending can hurt a marriage, but with the right help, you can overcome it.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
