How to Spark a Financial Transformation in Your Relationship
Wouldn't it feel great if you and your spouse were on the same page about money?
If you could set and meet common financial goals and realize a financial transformation, what would it do for your relationship?
If this sounds intriguing to you, it's time to learn how you and your partner can transform your finances for the better today.
What Is Financial Transformation?
Are you tired of living paycheck to paycheck or always feeling broke? Do you and your spouse fight about — or avoid — money more than anything else? Then it might be time for a financial transformation.
A financial transformation occurs when you learn how to manage your money effectively so that you aren't always feeling broke, frustrated or upset. Instead of money being in charge of you and ruining your relationship, it can be an incredible feeling to realize that * you * are, together, both in charge of your money.
When you're married, finances can feel like your biggest stressor. Whether you argue about money all the time or you don't see eye-to-eye when it comes to spending and saving, transforming how you both look at and handle your finances can be life-changing for each individual and also as a couple!
Do You and Your Partner Need Financial Transformation?
If you and your partner aren't on the same page when it comes to finances, it's time to get yourself some help. Disagreeing about your finances and how you should handle them can be very tough, and just avoiding the money conversation won’t do the trick.
Whether you’re both spenders with no extra money or you have different views on how to handle money, a financial transformation can help you get on the same page and on the right path to financial success. This won’t mean that you agree on everything or are perfect, and neither of those is necessary; but if you’re working as a team, then you can honor each person’s needs and also grow and co-create what you’re building together.
How to Work Towards Financial Transformation
Achieving a financial transformation won't happen overnight, but with the right steps, it can be your reality sooner than you think. Rather than one person trying to take the reins and control things, it comes down to consistency, getting the right support, and listening to one another.
Work With a Financial Coach
A financial coach can help couples by providing guidance and support as they work to transform their finances. A financial coach can also help couples build trust and safety around money, to set common financial goals, and create a joint budget and financial prosperity plan. As a Couples Financial Coach, I work with couples to find stability and to thrive in their finances as well as their relationship.
My goal is not just to help couples stop having money fights, but to work together to find common ground, with healthy, productive conversations about their finances, actually strengthening their relationship. This ultimately leads to a happier relationship as they make their financial transformation!
Support Each Other
Supporting one another around finances can be hard if you aren't on the same page, but starting by getting to know where each person comes from, their financial values and points of view, is key. Most couples have two different money stories, but this can be a beautiful thing. In working to understand each other, you can build trust and safety, as well. And the more you feel like teammates, then the differences that used to cause tension can become complementary, making you stronger as a team than you were as separate individuals.
If you go around thinking only your method is 'right', you'll never reach financial success together. Even if your approach to money is mathematically optimal from a certain point of view, that doesn’t mean just pushing it through will create financial harmony and long-term buy-in from your partner. To have those, instead take each person's opinions into consideration and together try to make decisions about your money that benefit each and both of you.
Talk Strategy and Set Goals
You’re a couple, and it’s time to think like one, so as you feel safer talking about finances, be sure to share your financial goals and money strategies! Even if you keep separate accounts, you can and should still work together on your short-term, mid-term, and long-term financial goals. For example, if you’re each saving $25k toward a $50k home down payment, strategize with each other how to achieve it as efficiently and easily as possible. In doing so, you’ll likely feel closer and achieve your goals, i.e. to buy your first home, sooner!
Consider creating a vision board and having monthly 'money meetings,' and don't be afraid to throw out your craziest notions when it comes to your financial goals. You never know when something might strike your partner as the best idea ever, and then together, you can make it happen!
Offer Helpful Feedback
Constructive criticism is key in creating a joint financial transformation. Don't expect everything to go smoothly - there will be bumps, and that's okay. As long as you and your partner agree that you can share feedback and opinions about what's going well and what could be better, you'll have a better chance of achieving your financial goals together. Just because one of you shares feedback or an idea doesn’t mean that the other person has to change anything. But as human beings we fall into patterns and habits, and having someone else to push us out of our comfort zones and double-check our assumptions can make all the difference.
Work On Your Mindset
Your mindset plays a significant role in your personal and couple’s finances. For example, if you tell yourself (or have an inner narrative saying) that you never have enough money, can't make more money, or never make sound financial decisions, then that can be a serious roadblock. Often we take actions, even if subconsciously, to live up to our expectations, and when that means not achieving your financial goals, then that doesn’t help!
Instead of staying feeling stuck with money, work together with your partner on creating a better mindset. Support one another in your choice of words and how you talk about money. Loving and compassionately point out if you notice your partner talking negatively about money, and ask them to do the same for you.
A good financial coach also can help you and your partner reframe how you think about money, leading to more positive or productive thoughts and goals to help you achieve your version of financial success.
Anticipate Future Financial Challenges
Life has a funny way of throwing us curveballs, keeping us on our toes. My personal favorite is when you commit to making a change, and before you know it, some serious challenges to that change show up. It’s like the universe is saying “Oh, really? You’re actually changing? Prove it!” When you see this happening, sometimes you can’t help but smile.
If you can anticipate and prepare for those financial challenges, managing your expectations so that you don’t expect or demand perfect, then you'll have fewer arguments, less stress, and a happier relationship overall.
While no one can predict 100% what the future holds, you can build a solid foundation of money mindset, financial communication, and awareness of financially (a) where you’re at, and (b) where you’re going. That will help you know how to plan or adjust for anything, including the unexpected, and this is key to avoiding financial overwhelm and building a happy relationship.
Check-In Often
Don't forget to check in with your spouse often, especially when you’re first getting your bearings. Many Financial Coaches suggest monthly money meetings or even quick weekly check-ins, but you two get to decide what works best for you. For example, do you need more frequent feedback and accountability? If so, then maybe try weekly or twice-a-month meetings, or if not, then perhaps try monthly meetings. Don’t stress about getting it perfect from the jump, as you can always — and likely will often — tweak and adjust over time as you figure out what works for you.
Don't Get Stuck on Past Mistakes
We all make mistakes with our money from time to time, and if you're like most people, sometimes those mistakes can be pretty costly. However, that you've made a past money mistake does not determine your future. In fact, if you can release the regret, shame, etc. that keeps you hanging onto past money mistakes, then they can actually be a great learning experience to help you on your path to financial success.
Challenges You May Face Along the Way
Like I said earlier, life isn't always easy, and achieving a financial transformation may have its hurdles, like the following:
Not Agreeing on a Plan - As a couple, it can be hard to meet in the middle when it comes to money. A good financial coach can help you learn from one another's ideas and put a strong plan together. It’s often valuable to remember that it doesn’t have to be a 100% joint plan with 100% agreement.
Losing a Job - If one partner loses their job, it can initiate panic (or avoidance) mode, leaving you feeling like your financial transformation is out the window. But this is why we prepare and plan for the worst-case scenario, both emotionally and also tactically, i.e. with an emergency fund. Sticking together and sticking to your core values can help you ride out the storm together.
Facing a Financial Emergency - Other financial emergencies like a blown transmission, a leaky roof, a medical emergency can and likely will happen at some point. Taking them in stride and focusing on how you can fit the emergencies into your financial plan, or adjust the plan as needed, will help you avoid unnecessary tension, keep you empowered, and help you stay the course.
Not Tracking Your Progress - It's important to track your progress as you implement put your financial strategy. If you can’t see your progress or where you’re headed, then you’ll often miss leaks or areas to improve. Instead of having a lack of visibility that could derail your efforts, try to make it as easy as possible to stay on top of things. I encourage you to use a personal finance app, especially one built specifically for couples, or even a good old spreadsheet if you prefer. How you track it isn’t as important as that you track it!
Income Differences - It's common for one person in a relationship to earn more than the other, whether one partner out-earns the other by a lot or by a little. Figuring out how the finances will be managed in this situation can be challenging, but you can find agreement. A few quick tips:
(1) Don’t assume how the other person is feeling. For example, you may expect the higher-earner to be resentful, but they could also feel guilty.
(2) When starting out, try out a simple approach, i.e. I pay 60%/40% split of joint expenses, and the rest of our incomes go to our personal accounts. Even if you aren’t both 100% sold on the approach, as long as neither of you hates it, consider trying it. This is because you’ll learn much more by trying to implement something than by just thinking and talking about it in the abstract.
Remember that there’s no such thing as perfection, no “correct” way to do things. Be compassionate to yourself and patient with each other, and try to appreciate the growth and journey along the way!
How Long Will It Take to Reach Financial Transformation?
No two couples will have the same financial path. Some achieve a financial transformation quickly because they had some key elements in place but just but needed a little guidance from a great Financial Coach to get them the rest of the way there.
Others start with completely opposite approaches and/or a lack of personal finance knowledge that takes a bit more work to sure up. In this case, a couple may need much more time to reach their transformation.
Bottom line: It’s not a competition with each other or any other couples, and there’s no right or wrong way to reach financial peace or specific timeline you must reach it in. Instead, it’s about continuing to grow and strengthen your relationship and your finances. Keep your focus there, and you just might be blown away by what transpires.
Final Thoughts
If you and your spouse are tired of fighting about money, sick of feeling stressed about your finances, or not meeting your financial goals, then it's time to create a plan for a financial transformation. If you’re ready to work with a caring and supportive coach, schedule a free consultation today!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
