Money Imbalance in Relationships: How to Overcome It
If you feel like you and your partner are constantly butting heads about money, you're not alone.
A recent study found that nearly 73% of couples experience money-related tension. And it's not just a lack of funds that can cause problems—it can also be too much money or disagreements about how to spend it.
So, what can you do to overcome money imbalance in relationships and create a more unified financial relationship? In this article, I'll cover tips on how you and your partner can be on the same page to reach peace and clarity.
What Is a Money Imbalance and What Does It Mean?
Financial imbalance and money imbalance both describe differences in earnings and/or spending between two partners. This can be caused by a variety of factors like salaries, inheritances, assets, spending habits, or one person taking on a greater share of the financial responsibilities.
When there is a money imbalance in a relationship, it can lead to all sorts of conflicts.
For example, a partner who earns less and, therefore, spends less may feel resentful or taken for granted. A partner who spends more money while making the same or less may feel guilty, or like they're not doing their part.
And both partners may feel frustrated and angry with each other. Fortunately, money imbalances don't have to be a deal-breaker.
Related Podcast Episode: Conflict, Communication & Problem Solving With Your Partner
Conflicts Caused by a Money Imbalance in Relationships
Here are some money-related conflicts that may occur in relationships with money imbalances:
Feelings of Guilt
If one partner is making the money and the other is spending it, feelings of guilt can be common.
For example, a husband who earns the majority of the household income may feel guilty about not providing enough for his family, especially as men are socialized that their role is to be the provider.
Meanwhile, a wife who feels financially dependent on her husband may feel guilty about spending on themselves and/or not contributing more money to the household.
Feelings of Inadequacy
Money imbalances can create feelings of inadequacy, typically for the person earning less who may feel not "good enough."
When people believe that talking about these dynamics would be uncomfortable, it often seems easier to avoid it or just convince yourself that things would be okay if you earned the exact same salary as your partner.
But this is extremely difficult to achieve, even harder to sustain, and still doesn't address the core feelings and issues between you two.
Meanwhile, when one partner spends more money than the other while earning the same or less, they may feel inadequate because they don't think they are contributing enough.
Growing Resentment Over the Income Difference
Another money-related conflict that can occur in relationships with money imbalances is growing resentment over income differences.
For example, the lower earner may feel embarrassed or unappreciated if it's consistently brought up that they do not earn as much as their partner does, which, over time, can lead to resentment.
On the other hand, the higher earner might feel resentful if they think they are forced to work harder than their (capable) significant other and/or get to spend and enjoy the money less than the lower-earning partner.
No Balance of Power
Relationships with money imbalances may lack a balance of power.
For example, sometimes, the primary breadwinner also makes important financial decisions (including spending) without the other's knowledge or agreement.
This makes the other person vulnerable, as things could change dramatically without their input and at a moment's notice, yet they must simply go along with them.
Exercising Financial Power by Spending Money Selfishly
If either of you views the other as a selfish person, whether around money or otherwise, that's an important things to work on, as it can erode respect, peace of mind, and the like.
Now let's say one spouse is very frugal: they may view even a spouse who spends reasonably as being selfish, and sometimes they'll convince their partner that they really are selfish!
On the other hand, sometimes people do spend in ways that exert power over financial resources, such as spending in ways you've agreed not to or otherwise putting the family at risk.
In those situations, you'd need to hold your partner (and yourself) accountable for working through that. Striking the right balance can be difficult, but with healthy dialogue, you can get on the same page and achieve it!
Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity is misleading your partner about your finances, and it's all too common in relationships with money imbalances.
Someone may use money to keep secrets and/or avoid talking about their feelings, as discussing your undisclosed debts (or even assets!) figures to be uncomfortable.
This is not to say that you can't have separate accounts or must merge everything.
But, in an otherwise healthy/safe partnership, financial infidelity, like keeping each other in the dark and making big decisions without a conversation, can cause problems by undermining trust and leading to suspicion, anxiety, fear, etc.
How To Overcome Money Imbalance in Relationships
Fortunately, even if you and your partner are experiencing financial imbalances, there are many things you can do to reignite a healthy relationship and get on the same financial page.
Talk Through It With a Financial Coach
Working with a money coach is an effective option for couples who need help facilitating a productive conversation about the financial problems and stress in their relationship.
Money issues are more common than you think, and having an expert on your side can help you develop behaviors that get you back on the same page now and can help you get back there when things get off track in the future, too.
Ready to start the conversation? I specialize in financial coaching for couples and can help you both communicate about your finances and restore your relationship. Schedule a free consultation with no obligations!
Create a Budget
The first tactical thing to do is record your income and expenses, i.e., create a budget. I suggest starting with a budget that shows you how you spent your money over the last two months, which will give you a feel for how you've been spending your money.
Eventually, you'll want to have a forward-looking budget, i.e. where you plan before the month the general allocation of your income in a way that best aligns with your preferences and priorities.
Knowing where your money goes and how much money you have will bring clarity such that it's easier to make decisions about money as a couple.
Agree on Basic Financial Dynamics
The next thing you should do is agree on basic money dynamics. For example, it may be helpful to make agreements about:
Priority order for your financial goals, i.e., which are we working on first?
Money management, i.e., paying bills on time
Money decisions, i.e., are we ready to buy a home?
Money values, i.e. how do you feel and think about money, and does it represent freedom, security, power, etc.?
How much money should be spent on housing
Sharing expenses, i.e. who pays for and how do you pay for your various expenses, whether entertainment, groceries, or utilities?
Recognize Contributions Beyond Money
If money is your only barometer for whether someone is an equal partner, then money imbalances will inevitably cause issues. Instead of focusing on money, try to recognize the many other ways in which your partner contributes to your family and home life.
For example, a stay-at-home mom works tirelessly to take care of the couple's children and manage the household. This is their effort for the family rather than earning actual dollars.
Relatedly, I recommend that each partner get some familiarity with the gender and racial wage gaps, as well as the undervaluing of domestic work and emotional labor/helper jobs.
This knowledge has given my clients a broader context that aids in understanding and repairing their own dynamics.
Related Podcast Episode: Financial Feminism in a Brave New World
Be Willing To Change Your Mindset
As a couple, it's important to understand each other's money mindsets and also explore compromises when it comes to money.
You don't have to agree 100% — after all, you're two different people — but it's essential to cultivate a shared understanding of what your money is for, how it should be spent, and where it should come from.
If you have different opinions about how money fits into the life you're building and leave them unaddressed, then this can lead to money-related conflicts in your relationship.
Schedule Money Dates
Another way to overcome money imbalances in relationships is to schedule money dates where you and your partner are accountable for discussing money.
For example, money dates can be scheduled on Saturday afternoons to talk about money decisions for the upcoming week.
Here are a few topics to spark discussion on your next money date:
If you want to pursue financial independence and/or early retirement
Whether you should consult with a financial advisor about your investing strategy
What your net worth is
When you can start paying off debt to become debt-free
How your credit rating has changed over the last year
How a new career could impact your financial goals
Avoid Blame, Judgement, or Bragging
It's important to avoid blame, judgment, and bragging during money conversations with your spouse. This doesn't mean that you can't have accountability, but rather that you can try to keep the conversation productive and positive.
Money conversations can be difficult, but remember that you're on the same team, and try to be understanding and supportive of each other during these talks.
Enjoy the Fruits of Your Labor Together
If you and your partner have been working hard to overcome money imbalances, it's important to celebrate your wins together. If it doesn't happen organically, I recommend making it a topic of conversation during a money date.
The celebration could be anything from taking a day off work, to going out for a nice dinner, to putting money towards a joint goal. Celebrating your successes together will help you keep the momentum going and stay on track.
Create New Joint Goals
Creating and sharing new common goals over time allows you to strive for success together.
Find some common areas you want to work on improving as a couple and keep them related to end goals or results that matter to you both. An example would be deciding how you'd like to save money together for a large purchase or vacation together!
Show Your Appreciation
Express appreciation to each other regardless of income, as each person puts financial-related and physical work into the household that should be recognized no matter how they come.
Showing appreciation is also an important tool in maintaining a close relationship, as it cultivates good feelings, gives positive reinforcement, and indicates to your partner that you notice their effort and contributions.
FAQs
How Do Married Couples Handle Finances?
Married couples can handle their finances in various ways, such as with individual accounts, joint accounts, or both. The most important thing is that each partner is included in household money decisions and responsibilities.
Deciding if you should have joint bank accounts, separate accounts, or a mix is something you'll need to discuss together and remember — having a strong relationship isn't defined by how you set up your bank accounts.
Any approach could work as long as you're on the same page and working as a team!
Should Relationships Be 50-50 Financially?
Salary differences can create relationship problems, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
Some choose to split expenses equally, while others choose to allocate them based on a percentage of household income they bring in; the key is to find a money dynamic that works for both partners.
Explore the pros and cons of different approaches, plus any positive or challenging feelings you have around them. Doing so within the context of your shared goals and vision for financial prosperity, you'll be able to choose the most beneficial arrangement.
How Do I Talk Through Financial Imbalance if I Make More Than My Partner?
When money imbalances exist in a relationship, it's important for both partners to be honest and open about their money concerns. Don't try to bury the money imbalance, but rather acknowledge it, try to understand, and work with it to craft a more-equitable partnership.
In general, one partner should not have to "handle" all the money alone or feel responsible for making all of the money decisions, even if they have a higher income.
Ensure that your partner knows you respect and value all their contributions to the household and want mutual involvement in these decisions regardless of the amount of money either of you makes.
Related Article: What to Do When You Make More Money Than Your Husband?
How Do I Talk Through Financial Imbalance if My Partner Makes More Than Me?
If you have financial concerns when your partner earns significantly more than you do, it's important to calmly express your thoughts and feelings.
Make sure they know that you want to share financial responsibilities, offer concrete ways to be involved, and keep trying even if your concerns aren't all resolved right away.
You can also suggest money dates to help facilitate regular conversations about the financial health of your household, which provides a great time to discuss any anxieties or worries as well as your financial goals.
And I've seen it time and again: dreaming about your future will bring you closer as a couple.
What Are the Psychological Impacts of Money Imbalance?
Money imbalance in relationships doesn't only cause financial issues, but it can be detrimental to a person's mental health.
Feelings of guilt, resentment, and inadequacy can quickly lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and being 'not good enough.' Seeking professional support to deal with your feelings and financial inequality is essential to your relationship and mental well-being.
Can Money Imbalances Ruin a Relationship?
Money differences can cause challenges in a marriage or relationship. They can cause financial problems in your marriage, which may lead to disagreements, fights, and even divorce.
The key is to seek professional support to learn honest communication and how to deal with your financial matters so both partners are on the same page.
When Does a Financial Imbalance in a Relationship Become Toxic?
When finances cause a power imbalance in the relationship, it can become toxic.
If one partner is made to feel less than the other due to income disparity, it can cause financial problems in the marriage and relationship challenges, too. If one partner doesn't feel like they have a voice, it can turn into verbal and mental abuse that creates a toxic relationship.
How Important Is Financial Independence?
Financial independence is a personal need. Some people need a separate account to feel their independence, while others prefer a joint account to feel like they are on the same page.
However, if there is financial inequality in the marriage, financial independence may give you a stronger foothold, helping you feel in charge of yourself and less likely to suffer from financial abuse.
How Early Should Couples Start Talking About Finance?
When you and your partner become somewhat serious and consider a long-term commitment, you should discuss your financial situation.
This doesn't mean you must immediately link finances or get approval for spending, but talking early helps you set financial boundaries and learn where each person is financially before committing.
Moving Past Money Imbalance In Relationships
Money problems can be a huge source of conflict and dissatisfaction in relationships.
For couples who come from different income and money management backgrounds, money problems can seem insurmountable even if they love each other very much.
Having different incomes or spending habits can cause major conflicts that may ruin your relationship, but you can resolve it and maybe even strengthen your partnership through the several methods discussed above.
If you're looking for ways to address money issues within your relationship, talking with a financial coach who can facilitate an open conversation may help. If you're ready to take the next step, schedule a free consultation with me
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
