Gender, Sexism, Money, and Relationships: How to Stop Financial Stress and Fighting
Let’s talk about gender, sexism and money:
How this impacts our relationships;
How it leads to financial stress
How it can cause fighting
What you can do to stop it.
First, let’s acknowledge there is discrimination on the basis of gender in the USA. There is sexism. It’s real. And women are disproportionately affected by it.
In the realm of finances, there are a couple of ways that this shows up.
One that you may have heard of is the gender wage gap. Studies show that women earn around 78%-90% as much as men for the same work!
This doesn't seem fair to most of us, and it’s complicated why it occurs. But either way, we’ve seen it play out again and again.
Not as known is but still important is the pink tax. This is best seen by looking at the razor shelf in the store. A man might have a dark blue, a black, or gray razor. For women, often there is something pink or purple.
For the same household goods, typically the women's goods are a higher price than the men's goods. This is true even though they are identical other than color. We call this the “pink tax.”
Put it all together:
Women earn less and pay more.
Society puts more appearance-related expectations on women. This is perhaps most true in the workplace. For example, many women have told me about how they get asked if they’re sick or tired when they don’t wear makeup.
Of course each individual makes their own choices. But these dynamics are at play.
Hopefully you’re getting a sense of some of the financial challenges women face.
So what does this mean for your life and relationship? How can you use it to stop fighting and have more financial intimacy, peace and harmony?
Start by digging into how you’ve been socialized and how it has impacted you. As a man, I've received messages all my life that my value and my worth are in large part determined by:
My income;
My ability to take care of a female partner and children; and,
My career prestige.
Consciously, you may disagree with all that. But you need to accept and deal with the influence of those ideas. Otherwise, they'll keep affecting you subconsciously.
It’s not just men. Women should reflect on the messages, too and ask how they affected them.
Sometimes we buy into stereotypes. Sometimes we go the other way, trying to be nothing like it. Either way, it’s still impacting us, right?
For us to create true equality in our relationships, we need to start talking about these things.
Here is a safe way to dive into the money conversation. Talk about:
The messaging you’ve received around money and gender, race, identity, etc.;
How you feel about those and how you think they may have impacted you; and
The experiences you’ve had with family and in past relationships
This opens the dialogue. It helps you understand your partner better. You’ll learn more about your own triggers. And it creates or boosts your sense of trust and safety around money talks.
This isn’t about the numbers or budget. It's descriptive - talking about yourself.
Society also socializes women to take on more domestic and emotional labor. This includes house cleaning, caring for kids, remembering birthdays, etc.
This type of labor often goes uncompensated. (I don’t think that’s an accident, but that’s a whole other conversation.)
Gendered splits of domestic and emotional labor of course aren’t required. But they are the messages we receive from a young age. To create equity in your relationships, you’ll want to examine these things. Once we do, then we can start to roll it back and unpack it.
Your partner may be defensive at first. That’s okay. Make sure they know that this dialogue is not about criticism. Instead, it’s about deepening your mutual understanding. In being understanding and empathetic, you build a bridge to getting on the same page about money. [quote end here]
Money has many aspects, and gender and sexism are definitely a key part. It also offers a valuable place to start the conversation.
Follow-Up Activity:
Journal about the topics we discussed and the messaging you saw in books, movies, TV, and elsewhere. Then start to speculate about how it has -- or has not -- affected you and your money mindset.
See what you discover. You don’t have to do anything about it. Just be curious.
You’ll start to understand yourself better. And that will help you be more grounded and powerful when dealing with your money.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
