Husband's or Wife's Spending Out of Control? Do These 2 Things!
What can you do when you feel like your partner's spending is out of control? Follow these 2 steps:
Step One: look inside of yourself.
We’ll start with some introspection.
The first thing this entails is simply asking yourself “Why does this all matter?”
See, it's very easy to get into the “you're bad because you overspend” or “you're bad because you kept this from me” mood. What's really going to guide you and get you back to a more tender, vulnerable place, is figuring out why this matters.
For example, maybe their overspending could stop you from going on vacation. Or maybe it's going to make it harder to pay to send your kid to college. And those things are really important!
So, keep the focus on how the financial habits and decisions actually affect you and your life and your relationship. This helps your partner to understand where you’re coming from and understand the resulting issue that you want to address.
Secondly, take responsibility for your role and your own past actions.
I know you’re probably thinking: “My partner is the one who’s spending out of control, not me. What am I responsible for?”
Well, let’s take a look. To start, you may have not been very nice to them about it. If so, acknowledge it. Try something like: “I’ve been feeling frustrated, but I’ve also been a jerk about it. I want to take responsibility for that.”
Remember: taking responsibility is not about morality. It’s about acknowledging the link between your actions -- which is all that you can control -- and the results and outcomes.
Next, how long has this been going on -- six months, a year, 10 years? Well, there's something in there for you to be responsible about, too.
After all, you probably haven't had a conversation like this - where you really get connected to your partner and work on your spending habits together. Or maybe you've tried, but it wasn’t a healthy money talk that had them feeling safe and secure, like they could work through these things with you. If that's the case, acknowledge and take responsibility for it, as well.
Thirdly, bring humility to the conversation. No one is perfect.
We've all made financial mistakes.
We've all spent money that didn't work out.
We've all bought something on impulse.
If you find yourself sliding toward (harsh) judgment, recall a time that you made a financial mistake. Ask yourself: how would I have wanted to be treated? Then bring that to the conversation with your partner.
Step Two: look outside of yourself.
When I say: “look outside,” I mean look to your significant other / partner.
The first thing you want to do here is just get curious. Why are they making these choices that they're making? I invite you to bring kindness, as well.
I’m not saying that it doesn't matter what they've done. But, I am saying: give them the benefit of the doubt. We all grew up getting so many mixed messages around money. Your part is probably doing the best they can; and they may not even realize what’s driving their reactions.
They're almost certainly not doing it to hurt you, your relationship, or your goals. It's probably just a product of something else. Keep that in mind.
Back to curiosity. Make sure you actually ask your partner what is going on! To do so, here's a fantastic tool for you: Open-Ended questions. So, what are open-ended questions?
Let’s start with what they’re not. They're not closed-ended questions, where the answer is a simple yes or no.
For example: “Honey, do you want me to pick up some orange juice?” A yes or no answer is all you need.
For an open-ended question, try: “I noticed that you’ve been spending more than we allocated to groceries. What do you think has been going on there?”
Finally, always bring empathy, trying to understand things from their point of view. Open-ended questions are a great way to give your partner space and freedom to share their thoughts. And this will help you better understand them, as well!
When they do share, then just be with what they’re saying, validate their experience, and understand where they’re coming from. Try and see how if you were in their shoes and lived their life, you may very well be making the same choices.
If you can do these things:
Connect to your partner;
Look inside at yourself; and
Look outside to your partner and understand where they're coming from...then
I promise the stress and anxiety levels around their spending will go way down. You’ll get more connected. You’ll have a deeper partnership and be that much further along your path to peace, partnership and financial prosperity.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
