How Much Money Should My Husband* Give Me
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Stay-at-home moms and even some women that hold jobs have their husbands handle all the finances. If this sounds like your relationship, you might wonder how much money should my husband give me.
What's the correct number, and is it fair?
I'll address this question and more when handling finances in your relationship to help you understand how it works.
Marriage and Finances: How Should Married Couples Split Finances
Married couples have many options for splitting finances. Whether you agree to have separate or joint accounts, you'll still want to be on the same page financially. Of course, it's always best to have these conversations before you get married, but if you didn't, it's never too late to discuss managing finances in a marriage!
Here are the three most common ways my clients handle their marriage and finances.
Separate Accounts
Just because you're a married couple doesn't require you to share bank accounts. It's often nice because it keeps you on the same page about your spending habits, financial goals, and financial future, but it's definitely not required.
If you keep separate accounts, aka his and her money (or whatever pronouns fit), it's essential to discuss who will pay the bills. For example, will you split them down the middle 50-50, according to what each partner can afford, or using another tactic like being responsible for particular types of bills/expenses?
These are the conversations you must have to avoid accusations of financial abuse or making one partner feel like the other hides money or isn't truthful about their living expenses.
Keeping separate accounts may be the most challenging way to manage your finances, in my opinion, because there isn't readily available, shared information for you to stay on the same page. When there is information asymmetry, it can create tension in your relationship.
The Benefits of Separate Accounts
Having separate bank accounts and credit cards has its challenges, but there are benefits too, including:
Both partners keep a sense of financial independence
You are in control of how much you spend
You know where the money you earn goes
The Downsides of Separate Accounts
Having separate bank accounts has its challenges, too, including:
One partner might feel like the other hides money
It can be challenging to stay on top of the bills
It's harder to organize finances and have money discussions when the money is separate
Joint Accounts
Another common way I see to manage your finances is to have a joint account. This makes it easier to stay on the same page financially, as you both understand what money you have coming in and going out. In addition, you can see how each other spends money and pays bills out of one account.
If you join finances, it's crucial to agree on how you will handle the money. For example, both partners should have equal access to the funds, but one partner may feel driven to exert control over the account or the bill paying.
Putting one spouse in charge of paying the bills can be a good idea so there's no confusion about who paid which bills. But it's vital that one partner doesn't take over the finances, leaving the other spouse to feel like they have to ask for a monthly allowance or permission before spending money. It's wise for both spouses to play an active role in understanding the family finances.
The Benefits of Joint Accounts
Combining your money can have its benefits, including:
Both partners are on the same page financially
There's a lower risk of financial abuse (at least by hiding money, which is harder to do with joint accounts)
It's easier to plan and pay for expenses
The Downsides of Joint Bank Accounts
The total transparency with spending money can lead to arguments
It's hard to buy gifts without the other partner knowing
You may have more arguments about money as you make even more decisions together, and more decisions that affect the other person, as well
Hybrid
It's possible to have the best of both worlds- separate and joint accounts. Your joint accounts should include the money needed to pay the bills and household expenses. The separate accounts can hold the money you both agree to keep separate and spend how you want.
The hybrid method can help you keep your finances separate but together. You don't have to worry about getting permission for all discretionary spending and can have a sense of financial freedom by being able to do what you want with some of your money.
Who Should Pay the Bills in a Relationship
There isn't one way to decide who should pay the bills in a relationship. It depends on which spouse works and the income each partner earns, and most important it depends on what feels good for each of you.
For example, if one partner stays home, the working partner may want control of paying the bills and managing the spending money. If both partners work, you may agree that you both pay the bills equally or still put one person 'in charge.'
However you set things up, it's essential to continue having conversations about bills, financial goals, assets accumulated, and finances in general.
No matter how much they make, both partners should be on the same page about their finances, with each having an equal say in large and big-picture decisions.
To be clear, you have shared finances whether one partner works or both work. There are housing, transportation, kids' costs, and more general living expenses you must cover no matter who works or how much each person makes.
Talking Bills and Paycheck With Partner
Talking finance in marriage can feel uncomfortable, no matter how well you know your spouse. Yet, it's one of the most important conversations you'll have with one another.
It's a good idea to have the 'money talk' monthly. This gives you time to gather your concerns, talk to one another, and understand your financial situation. When you talk bills and paychecks with your partner regularly, there's less reason to feel like you're in the dark or have to ask your husband for money.
Money imbalance in relationships can make things feel awkward, especially with your husband controlling money. It's not a matter of how much money you should get but how much you can afford to give one another to spend while keeping your financial goals in mind.
You can set up a budget that accounts for all income, whether from one spouse or both, and your total expenses. Then, if there's money left for discretionary spending, you can decide how to divide it together, if necessary getting each other’s permission to spend the money in whatever way you choose and agree.
As you talk about marriage and finances, remember that each of you has a different money story, but that doesn't make one partner better than the other. You are each entitled to your money, but how you arrive at the amount or how it's distributed depends on your agreement.
SAHM: How Much Money Should My Husband Give Me
If you are a stay-at-home mom, money may be a sore subject for you. You might wonder, 'how much money should my husband give me?' But that's not how it should work.
If you're comfortable letting your husband handle the income and bills, that's acceptable; however, you shouldn't have to ask permission to have pocket money, let alone money to take care of the kids and home with an appropriate standard of living. Just because you stay home doesn't mean you aren't contributing.
Stay-at-home moms work just as hard as their working spouses. You don't need a job or income to prove your worth. You provide your children with what they need while also managing the household by staying home- a job whose monetary value, when compared to the cost of childcare, house cleaning services, and food prep, can be quite extensive.
Being a stay-at-home mom shouldn't make you feel like a less wealthy or less worthy spouse, or that you should have to put up with any domestic abuse, including financial abuse. You have just as much of a right to be on the same page and have the money divided equally.
When an Allowance Can Help Your Budget
Now, there is a time and place for a monthly allowance. If you and your spouse have difficulty sticking to a budget, putting each other on an allowance can help.
The allowance is just a percentage of your income (whether one or two incomes) that you can safely spend without putting your family at risk of excessive debt. After all, no one wants to be tens of thousands of dollars in debt. An allowance also helps you avoid using a credit card to spend money you don't have.
An allowance can be a way to set boundaries and keep you and your partner on track to meet your financial goals without feeling like one person has all the control.
When a Spousal Allowance Becomes Manipulation or Abuse
While a monthly allowance can help your budget, there is a point at which that spousal allowance can become manipulation or abuse. If you think 'all my husband cares about is money' or 'my husband says all his money is his,' it could signify financial abuse.
There's a fine line both partners walk when dealing with money. There shouldn't be a point when a wife has to ask her husband for money. There should be an agreement about what both partners can and cannot spend. If you have a joint bank account, you may have to consult one another before spending money. But if that gets too controlling, consider having a separate bank account from your spouse, so you have (at least some of) your own money to use as you want.
Monthly Allowance FAQ
Should Married Couples Have Joint Bank Accounts?
There's no right or wrong answer to having a joint bank account. For some couples, it works great to have joint accounts and a shared credit card; for others, it causes too many arguments. Discuss your options with your spouse to decide which method works best for you. If you find having your money together is too stressful, consider having a joint account for your expenses and separate accounts for your own money to keep things fair.
However, if you’re choosing separate accounts out of fear, consider working on your financial communication, understanding each other better, and building trust and safety around talking about money.
Should a Man Pay All the Bills?
You might wonder who should pay the bills in a relationship. While the old saying is that the man should pay all the bills, that's certainly not the case. Any partner in a relationship can pay the bills. The key is communicating and ensuring you are both on the same page so that the bills get paid on time.
What if My Husband Says His Money Is His?
If your husband says his money is his, it's time to talk. But, if he won't sit down with you, or you can't rationalize with him, consider financial counseling. Together you can voice your concerns and opinions and work with a professional to create a solution that makes both partners feel equal. That way, it is not referred to as just "all his money" but "all our money".
Is It Wrong That a Husband Makes His Wife Ask for Money?
It is wrong if your husband makes you ask for money because he's withholding it or punishing you for being a stay-at-home mom. But, if you have an arrangement that works for your marriage, and you are both okay with it, then you can carry on as you were. However, if it feels like financial abuse, or you worry that your husband has too much control, then it's time to get help.
Should a Husband Give His Wife Spending Money Even if She Works?
Some couples prefer an arrangement where one spouse handles the spending money. If you can't control your spending or don't look at the budget, having your husband give you money might be okay even though you work. It depends on what you agree on together and what you are both comfortable with to ensure you continue to be a happily married couple.
If you struggle that intensely with spending or avoidance, however, it may be time to work on yourself regarding your finances. This way, you’ll feel more empowered, your partner will feel less of a burden to manage you, and everyone will be better off with two active, involved financial partners!
Couples Finances: The Bottom Line
Married couples often have trouble managing money only because they don't know how to make it fair for each person. If that sounds like you, or you wonder how much money should my husband give me, consider financial coaching to help you both get on the same page and strengthen you marriage and finances. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
