How to Save Your Marriage After Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity is as wrong as sexual infidelity, except it can cause both emotional problems AND financial problems. If you've discovered your spouse wasn't honest about finances, it's time to learn how to save your marriage after financial infidelity.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
Like physical infidelity, financial infidelity occurs when one partner doesn't disclose all financial information to the other partner. It may look like keeping money secrets, overspending without talking to a partner, keeping secret credit card debt, hiding bills, or borrowing money without your spouse's knowledge.
Reasons Behind Financial Infidelity
Like physical infidelity, there could be many reasons for financial infidelity, but here are some of the most common reasons:
Addiction
Fear of communicating about finances
Fear of admitting mistakes
Resentment of a partner who makes more than another
Guilt
The Signs of Financial Infidelity
Like any problem in a relationship, there are various signs of financial infidelity, including the following:
Receiving credit card bills you didn't even know you had
Acting secretive about spending money, or a partner has a secret credit card
Spending a lot of time alone on the computer
Anger whenever money is brought up
Refusal to discuss financial habits
Refusal to work on a budget
Acting dismissive when you bring up how much debt each of you, or you two together, has
Does Just Anyone Commit Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity can happen to anyone, even if you think you're in a happy marriage. But that doesn't mean every marriage is susceptible to it.
Couples that are more susceptible to financial infidelity are those that don't have proper communication. For example, they may not have a joint bank account, one partner may be in charge of all financial decisions, or there may not have been much talk about finances before marriage.
Financial infidelity is a relationship problem, not necessarily a financial problem. Yes, financial deception is involved, but it happens because of the relationship and communication problems within the marriage.
Financial Infidelity Example
No two financial infidelity situations are the same, but here is a common scenario many couples experience.
Joe and Jan dated for a couple of years. They never discussed finances in detail because they didn't think it was necessary. Joe and Jan assumed they'd be on the same page because they both make good money and had no reason to keep money secrets.
However, what Joe didn't disclose to Jan is that he has $100,000 in student debt and another $50,000 in credit card debt. Joe kept this information from Jan for a couple of years, but eventually it got to be too much for him to hide it, and it came out, causing serious relationship issues.
Here's another situation.
Jack and Jennifer were always on the same page about household finances. They had a great budget set up, a joint account, and they were ready to save money.
A few years into the marriage, Jack became addicted to shopping. He was going through a rough time emotionally, and shopping helped. But, unfortunately, it didn't take long for his shopping habit to get out of control. He quickly became a financially-unfaithful spouse who made major purchases without discussing it with his significant other.
Before they knew it, Jack and Jennifer were well over their household budget and had more credit card debt than they could handle…only Jennifer knew nothing about it until after it had already gotten out of control.
How to Prevent Financial Infidelity
The key to a happy marriage is knowing how to prevent financial infidelity. Of course, every couple will have financial arguments, but financial infidelity can be avoided.
Planning and Growing Together
The best way to avoid financial infidelity is to communicate about money from day one. So, have the money talk no matter how hard it feels, and continue having them regularly throughout your marriage.
Make plans to save and spend money together. Create a budget for your household finances that you both agree to and can handle. Don't put one spouse in charge of the household bills and keep the other partner in the dark.
Together, create financial goals that consider both partners' wishes. You may not have the same life goals word-for-word, but with some compromise, you can create a budget that helps you reach the money goals for each partner and for your family as a whole.
Transparency
Avoiding financial infidelity means being 100% transparent with one another. If you make a mistake, admit it. Don't hide financial matters from your partner. Even if you have separate bank accounts, share the information.
Don't hide financial transactions. Never apply for credit without the other spouse knowing, for example, and if there are financial issues you want to discuss, bring them up. If your spouse doesn't want to talk about them, or the conversations go poorly, consider working with a couples therapist.
Judgement Free Zone
Don't be judgmental about any factor in your financial situation. If your partner messes up, don't judge. Instead, together figure out how to fix it. Financial issues aren't the end of the world because you can always make more money. The key is to get back on the same page to figure out how to fix the issues. When you avoid judgment, you avoid conflict and begin building trust no matter how bad things get.
Open Line of Communication
Always have an open-door communication policy with your spouse. Make it comfortable for them to admit anything they've done that might not sit well with you. But again, this goes back to not being judgmental. If your spouse worries about what you'll say, they may commit financial infidelity because they're worried about your reaction.
How to Save Your Marriage After Financial Infidelity
If it's too late and you already have a financially-unfaithful spouse, here's how to save your marriage after financial infidelity.
Share Feelings
Financial infidelity occurs because of some deeper issues. They typically don't occur just because a spouse wants to be rebellious; there are usually deeper feelings they must uncover.
Talk to one another about financial infidelity and what feelings it invokes from both the person committing it and the victim. This is the key to a healthy financial relationship. Money isn't the critical factor; it's what caused the spending or infidelity that's the issue.
Acknowledge the WrongDoing
The person who caused the financial infidelity must come forward. Concealing debt, hiding money, or refusing to admit wrongdoing only worsens things. So, discuss what happened and how you can fix it during your money meeting.
If it's too hard to talk about it, consider a marriage counselor who can help you talk about it in a meaningful manner.
The most important aspect of acknowledging the wrongdoing is defining the real problem. This means getting to the root of the spending, as that's just a symptom of the problem.
Define Values
You and your partner might not be on the same page about money if financial infidelity occurred. Discuss what money means to each of you, and see if that caused the issue.
For example, one partner may think saving is the most important factor about money. However, the other spouse might think money helps them achieve a specific social status, which means the most to them.
Create Goals
Once you know where each of you stands, create money goals together. It's okay if each partner has separate goals, but you should be aware of them all. This makes it easier to budget to reach each other's goals and avoid future financial infidelity.
Build a Budget
If you already have a household budget, revisit it. This time, include a way out of the debt you just discovered in your budget. This might mean making sacrifices in other areas or one spouse getting another job, but together you can build a workable budget to get out of debt.
State Your Boundaries
No matter how honest one partner is about financial infidelity, it's still important to state your boundaries and expectation. You must rebuild trust, which doesn't happen overnight. Let your partner know what you will and will not handle, and how you should move forward together, staying on the same page to get out of debt. Keeping your word is critical to rebuilding trust.
Check-In
Check-ins are essential for all married couples, but it's even more important after financial infidelity. Consider regular money talks or dates where you discuss your financial situation and what could be better or worse.
Also, set a threshold for large purchases. For example, how much can you each spend without discussing it with the other spouse? Any amount above that, commit to discussing with one another.
Time Outs
Don't make your conversations so heavy that your spouse feels like all you focus on is financial infidelity. Instead, take time out to enjoy life and what you love about your relationship. This makes it easier to talk about money when you have the talks because you'll both feel refreshed.
Establish Responsibilities
Both partners need to have responsibilities. For example, even if you have a joint account, both partners should be responsible for at least some aspects of paying household bills, reconciling bank accounts, and managing household finances.
Outline what each partner's jobs are and what duties that includes, and check back in during your money meetings to see how it's going.
Rules for Joint Accounts
Along with setting responsibilities, you should set rules for joint accounts. Usually, this means setting spending limits, but together decide what rules you want on the bank account to ensure everyone is on the same page.
Celebrate Small Accomplishments
Just like when trying to lose weight, small accomplishments are a big deal. Celebrate things like setting a budget, meeting your budget, saving money, or talking to each other before spending.
Seek Help
If it feels like too much and you can't figure out how to save your marriage after financial infidelity, consider a marriage counselor or couples financial coach.
There's nothing wrong with you if you need someone else to intervene. Consider it an investment in your relationship and your effort to make your marriage work.
Final Thoughts
Knowing how to save your marriage after financial infidelity is important. It's unfortunate when it happens, but there are ways to fix it. Whether the issue is a spouse spending money excessively, hiding money, or taking out debts without the other spouse's knowledge, there are ways to fix things by getting to the root of the problem. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
