Money Shaming: What It Is and How to Overcome It
Money shaming is real - unfortunately, it's even likely something you do to yourself. Whether you struggle to make ends meet, or you have enough money but don't feel like you handle it well, money shame can negatively impact your life.
What Is Money Shaming?
Money shame is something most of us put on ourselves. It's the embarrassment you might feel if you have money problems or when you can't 'keep up with the Joneses.'
It could also happen when you've spent money you didn't have or did something with your money you aren't proud of, like gambling.
Money shame usually doesn't come from others; it's an internal feeling, almost like guilt. It's like your brain tells you there were better financial decisions you could have made.
Who Money Shames
Anyone can money shame, but again, it usually is a feeling within ourselves. For example, most of your friends wouldn't shame you for spending money or making money mistakes. Instead, it comes from your own beliefs about how you should handle money.
Why Money Shaming Occurs
Money shame might originate from your money story or how you were raised with money. It can also happen if you're surrounded by people with more money or different spending habits than you.
For example, if they drive a better car or have a bigger house, you might shame yourself for not being able to be 'as good as they are.'
Reasons for Money Shaming
There are many reasons you might suffer from money shame, and here are the most common:
You don't feel like you make enough money compared to the people around you
You suffer from financial strain and are embarrassed about it and the financial choices you've made
You can't handle a financial emergency, and it's causing a shame spiral because you're too embarrassed to ask for help
You keep making mistakes that result in not having enough money, or you can't stick to a budget, and you blame yourself
Consequences of Money Shaming
You probably already know money shame isn't good, as no type of shame is good for your mental health, but here are the consequences of money shaming.
Contributing Factor to Suicide
While no one knows 100% the reason for suicide, studies show that financial strain can play a role in the higher rates of suicide and anxiety in recent years. The rise and fall of our economy and the financial changes most households have made can make people feel like they are bad with money and don't deserve to be alive.
Many people put the pressure of their family's happiness and well-being on their shoulders. But unfortunately, the shame can be too much for them to handle if they feel like they’ve let their family down.
Decreased Self-Esteem
When you can't provide for your family and/or feel like everyone around you has more money than you do, it can hurt your self-esteem. We all take pride in providing for ourselves and our families. We want the best financial situation for everyone and to feel like we belong. But when you have financial issues and always feel like you need more money, it can worsen your self-esteem and make you feel shame.
Note that these emotions can be especially potent in men, as they are often socialized to believe that financially providing for their family is their job, and if they don’t succeed, then it hurts their self-esteem.
Depression
According to the World Health Organization, more than 280 million people suffer from depression. Of course, not everyone suffers from depression because of financial shame, but it plays a role, especially in recent years.
With unemployment rates peaking and falling, businesses failing, and inflation rates soaring, it's been harder for most people to have a good relationship with money. Not being able to stick to a budget, save money, and keep up with those around you can quickly cause you to feel depressed.
Impedes Success at Work
When you're struggling with your financial life, getting motivated to go to work can be hard. Even if you show up, you might not give it your all.
When you're feeling depressed or are in a money-related shame spiral, it's hard to give anything full effort, including — and perhaps especially — the source of your income. If you feel like you aren't making enough to make ends meet, you might not find joy in your job and may not try as hard.
Difficulty Managing Personal Finance
If you have money shame, you might have an intensely painful feeling when looking at your finances. It might even scare you to look at your budget or to balance your checkbook.
If you're worried about what you'll see when you balance your checkbook, or that you'll feel shame when you see how much money you spent, you might either avoid dealing with your finances or have a hard time making sense of them.
What Makes Shaming Worse
Fortunately, there is help to reduce shame around money and spending, but some things make it worse. If you don't familiarize yourself with what can worsen it, you may find that you can't ever get into a healthy relationship with money.
Stigma Around Money Talk
First is the stigma that we shouldn't talk about money. It's a common theory among most people, as they assume money is private and no one should talk about it. But this isn't the case — in fact, talking about money can help you figure things out and get rid of the money guilt.
Judgment From Self and Others
We are all our own worst critics. If you judge yourself or assume others are judging you, it's easy to get into the shame spiral. For example, don't assume that others think poorly of you or are watching your every move when you spend money. Some people are consumed with money-related issues, but that’s about them, not you. Set your boundaries, and don’t engage with them, as this only intensifies the feelings and makes the money shame worse.
Hiding Money Shame
Hiding money shame is also a big mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Hiding money shame is like not admitting you're struggling with your mental health — it just makes things harder. The more you try to hide it, the more you'll overcompensate by spending money or doing things to make it look like you're not suffering.
Overcoming Money Shaming
Here's the good news: you can overcome money shame!
You may need some help getting there, but you can create a plan to fix it once you do.
Understanding Where It Comes From
Overcoming money shame starts with knowing your money stories. Why do you feel the way you do? Chances are it stems from how you were raised with money or how you and your partner deal with money together. It could be a story that's been in the works for decades or a few years, but it all plays a role.
Knowing where your money shame comes from can help you address the problem from its roots, not just the surface level.
Getting Comfortable Talking About Money
Being able to talk about money is crucial to overcoming money shame. Start by getting comfortable talking to your partner about money. Make sure you're both on the same page and have an agreed set of goals.
If you can't talk to each other about money, consider financial therapy to help open up the floodgates to get the conversation going.
Managing Money and Budgeting
Finally, managing your money properly is the best way to overcome money shame. There is no right or wrong way that works for everyone, though. Try to figure out a budget that works for you to better take charge of your money. If you can't figure out a budget, or have trouble sticking to it, consider working with a financial therapist, certified financial planner, or financial advisor to get back on track.
FAQs
How Do You Manage Money Stress?
Managing money stress can feel impossible, especially if you shame yourself for your money habits. The key is to start small. Don't expect significant changes overnight; instead, choose one area you can focus on and be successful at, and make those changes. From there, continue making changes until you start seeing big shifts in your financial life.
How to Deal With Debt When Money Is Tight?
Even when money is tight, you can deal with debt. The key is to pick one debt to focus on first. Then, any extra money, even $1, put toward that debt can help. As you make progress, you'll feel more motivated to find other ways to lower your debt, such as decreasing expenses, changing your shopping habits, and canceling unnecessary subscriptions or services.
How Can Money Shame Impact My Life?
Money shame can have detrimental effects on your mental and physical health. It can make you stop socializing, feel depressed, and even affect your work performance. Therefore, it's important to recognize your shame and address it before it gets out of hand.
Bottom Line: Money Shame Is Real
Money shame is real, and it must be addressed. If you blame yourself for your money situation or feel 'less than' when you're around other people, get help. Don't let feelings of shame affect you and make you live a less-than-optimal life. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
