How to Stop Fighting About Money in 3 Steps
Money fights or tension are exceedingly common and unfortunately a top cause of stress and divorce. This article explains the 3 steps I teach my clients so that you can stop fighting about money just like they have!
Step #1: Recognize that these conversations — done right — can actually improve your relationship!
Most of us avoid money talks because we’re worried about how they’ll go. Maybe we fee afraid, anxious, or embarrassed, or perhaps past attempt devolved into fighting about money.
But this is the biggest myth we have about relationships and money.
In fact, I’ve seen it time and again with my clients: Working together and opening up about your finances will bring you two closer together, as you’ll understand each other better and be achieving goals as a team, which strengthens your bond.
Step #2: Take full responsibility for your role in everything that has happened and whatever isn’t working about your relationship with money as a couple.
Responsibility is not about morality. You’re not a bad person if your finances are in a rough place. And even if you’ve done something not so great — like keeping financial secrets — responsibility is just about acknowledging your role in everything that has transpired and led to the current situation.
Skeptical? Give this a try:
Jot down the things that are not working as well you’d like around your finances.
Without changing the facts, play the role of storyteller and see how much of what’s working be a result of your actions. The facts will stay the same, but the creativity lies in the interpretation.
I’m willing to bet then if you really look, then you’ll see that you’ve played a key role in whatever has happened. But rather than an exercise to feel bad about yourself, the idea here is actually to give you a sense of empowerment in the situation rather than feeling like you’re a victim/it’s your partner’s fault.
How?
Well, the only person you can control is yourself, right? So if something is entirely your partner’s fault, then you have no power to change things. This exercise is designed to turn that on its head.
With this awareness, now you can acknowledge and apologize for your role (where appropriate). This often begins the healing process and may lead your partner to (at some point soon, hopefully) reciprocate, i.e. taking responsibility for their respective role, as well.
Here’s a non-financial example:
Your cousin has been doing something you don’t like every time the holidays roll around. What could you take responsibility for here?
Well, it’s not your fault that they've done those things. But, you can take responsibility for that you haven’t confronted them about it (or perhaps you didn’t keep a boundary you set, or approached them in an unproductive way, etc.).
You can even say to your cousin: “There’s been some stuff happening that I haven’t felt good about, but I was afraid to cause tension, so avoided talking about it. And that left me feeling resentful, which isn’t fair to you if I haven’t even discussed it with you. So I apologize for that, that’s on me.”
Step #3: Hear out your partner fully and completely.
Now, just reading that may give you some anxiety - and I totally get that.
But, this is where you have the chance to set a foundation to have healthy money talks, manage your finances as a team, and set and achieve your goals together.
How do you hear them out fully and completely?
Taking responsibility, as in Step #2, is a great start. And when they’re ready to continue the conversation, and them good questions, with a focus on open-ended questions, i.e. where it's not just a yes or no answer but instead where they have the space to reflect on their feelings and share.
And when they do share, acknowledge and validate their feelings, showing you can understand — whether or not you agree or would have done it the same way — why their thoughts, feelings, and actions were as they were. It’s not a value judgment, but rather an attempt to appreciate their unique experience from their unique vantage point, having had their unique life.
Then, when they share what hasn’t been working well for them, you can ask them what work better for them. Make sure you really listen to their answer, and then you’ll have more and better information to help you construct a solution that you both feel good about.
So maybe you want to think of a bonus step, Step #4, as constructing and implementing that solution. After all, while Steps 1-3 are great, it’s often new actions that key in creating new outcomes.
Now, you might be thinking: “What about me and my needs and preferences?!”
Well first, this blog isn’t “getting your way financially.” It's called “How to stop fighting about money.”
However, I'm not telling you to roll over and concede everything or make it your fault. Rather, what I’ve outlined here is a step in the process toward better understanding your partner and addressing their concerns so as to help them feel a sense of safety and trust around talking about money with you.
Once you've bridged that gap, and if your partner is the kind of person who is worth being in a relationship with, then they're going to be infinitely more open to hearing your point of view and concerns.
Once you've heard them out, then there will be space for you to share.
And that is what makes the magic happen, having meaningful dialogue revealing valuable insights that lead to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
SUMMARY: The 3 steps are:
Recognizing that these conversations can make your relationships better and stronger.
Take full responsibility for your role in what hasn’t been working.
Hear out the other person or people fully and completely.
Then there will be open space for you to share and for the both of you to create new and exciting possibilities for your relationship.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
