7 Steps to Talk Money With Your Husband or Wife Successfully
The one, two…seven small things will have your money conversations succeed.
Number One: Leave the technology behind and connect to…each other!
Get connected to your partner, not to the internet. How to do so may be different for each couple, so do whatever suits you two. Some couples like to talk about their days, watch a show together, or open up a glass of wine…
Whatever you choose, the goal is to be able to be present with each other and create the kind of ambience that's conducive to a healthy, intimate conversation.
Number Two: Choose the priority of the conversation
Especially if this is your first money conversation in a while (or ever), might feel like “There are so many things I want to talk about!”
That makes complete sense. But if you want to build a deeply-intimate relationship, remember that those are a marathon, not a sprint.
So, choose a priority together, and stick to it. Trust that you’ll continue to grow together and have more conversations where you can — over time — tackle each key issue.
Keep it simple, avoid overwhelm or spiraling, and give your conversation the best change to succeed!
Number Three: Ask your partner clarifying questions and open-ended questions
Clarifying questions are just what they sound like, for example:
Can you say what you mean when you say that you think we spend too much on going out to eat?
What do you mean when you say vacations? Do trips to visit mom and dad count? Or is it only when we go away, just the two of us to an island somewhere?”
Open-ended questions are questions where the answer is not just one word, i.e. yes or no. Let’s say you were going to ask your partner about buying a home.
Would you say: “Hey, do you want to buy a home?” That's just a yes or no answer, so it’s probably not ideal
On the other hand, what if you ask something like: “Hey, what are your thoughts on home ownership?” That questions gives your partner much more space to reflect and share their thoughts, which will help you understand them better and design better solutions!
Number Four: Empathize: make sure they know you're understanding them
Empathizing with your significant other is like putting yourself in their shoes. Keep in mind that this does not mean you necessarily agree with them or their actions. Instead, it’s an effort to see the world through their eyes, as this will make it clear why they did the things that they did. (Usually they didn’t do it just to be a jerk!)
The open-ended + clarifying questions from #3 will help here big-time. And actually say out loud what you’re understanding from what they said. You might follow that up with something like:
Is this what's happening?
Are you looking at it this way because of XYZ reasons?
Is that right?/Am I wrong?/How would you say it?”
These small tweaks can have you get a lot deeper without much additional effort.
Number Five: Share your own perspective.
Make sure that you don’t get lost in this. Some people default to not sharing their opinions — or at least the potentially controversial ones — with their partner in an effort to minimize conflict. But eventually, that leads to resentment and inequity in the relationship.
In sharing your perspective, be as compassionate as possible; one great tool for this is “I statements”. They take on this basic form:
I feel X way…
when Y happens (or doesn’t happen)…
because of Z reason(s).
Put another, share your feelings in a way that takes ownership of them. For example:
”I feel scared that if we put a down payment on a house, we're not going to have enough money left over. Then, I would feel anxious about the possibility of something breaking down, i.e. the AC or water heater, and us being unable to pay/having to put the bill on a credit card.”
Compare that with something like “You just want to buy a house, and that's irresponsible, and you're being irresponsible!” versus “Hey, I'm actually afraid. I'm kind of nervous, anxious about this because I don't want us to be putting things on a credit card.”
Which one do you prefer? I hope it’s the latter!
Bottom line: own your feelings and values, and be vulnerable.
Number Six: Make sure your partner understands you
Just like you were striving to understand your partner, you deserve to be understood and heard as well. So, check in with them and make sure they understood you.
Some people — and I’m one of them — tend to worry about sounding patronizing when doing this or making their partner feel like they’re being “tested.” Consider telling them before the conversation even starts that you are committed to having each of you feeling more understood, so you’re going to try a new tactic. And remember, it’s not an attack — it’s about increasing the understanding and therefore the closeness between you two.
If your partner isn’t replying verbally, they might show understanding through their facial expressions or body language.
But if you're unsure, you could ask: “Hey, so how did you feel about what I said about this thing? Where do you stand on that issue? Can you share with me what you think I said about buying a home, because I want to make sure that we're on the same page?”
Give it a shot, and see how different those conversations feel when you know that your partner really understands what you’re saying!
Number Seven: Bring the two visions together
If you’ve been successfully implementing the first six steps, then you probably understand yourselves and each other a bit more deeply. You also may feel relieved to have shared your thoughts and heard where your partner is coming from, especially if their actions around that issue had been bugging you!
With this level of understanding, now you can explore what it would look like to bring the two visions together. You can even ask/say explicitly:
“What would it look like to bring our visions together? What would be a plan of action that honors each of our perspective, priorities, and values?”
If this is still a challenge, that’s okay. Take some time to reflect, sharing your values, and fill in any gaps in your financial knowledge. Eventually, it will be easier to find that compromise or ideal solution.
Remember: for the most part, we all tend to want the same things: close relationships; a comfortable life; time freedom; and the ability to do things that we enjoy. Hopefully you can use this blog to help you get more of that and get it sooner than you might have otherwise!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
