How to Talk About Money: Breaking the Barrier
Knowing how to talk about money in your relationship is the key to a happy relationship. Not understanding one another's financial needs or making financial decisions without talking to one another can put a wedge in your relationship that's hard to undo.
Knowing how to handle money and have tough conversations together will strengthen your relationship.
Why Talk About Money
Money conversations may feel awkward or even wrong to some people, but they are the most important conversation that every couple must have, and not just one time. There's an ongoing need to talk about money and be on the same page with your partner.
Hiding money, not talking about money, or avoiding your financial situation only worsens feelings and frustrations. Plus, it can also lead to money issues you might have prevented if you knew how to talk about money.
Benefits of Talking Money
If talking openly about money is so difficult, there can't be that many benefits to talking about money, right?
Wrong. There are many benefits, more than most people realize. Here are the benefits I find that my clients don't know about before speaking with me:
You'll Be on the Same Page
It's not easy not to have the full picture of what's happening with your finances. If talking about money is uncomfortable for you and your spouse, you might not discuss it, but you might also not know when money problems need addressing.
You might spend more than is available, or your spouse might not understand your financial goals. Talking keeps everyone in the loop and ensures all money decisions take into account your financial situation.
You Can Meet Each Other Halfway
You and your spouse might not have the same financial goals, but that doesn't mean you can't meet all of them. Regular money conversations give you ample time to open up, discuss your goals, and create a plan to meet the goals.
You'll Stay Out of Credit Card Debt
Credit card debt can be the worst thing for any marriage, especially if it's only one spouse's doing. However, if you have the money talk regularly and discuss ways to afford the things you want without creating a large credit card bill, you're more likely to stay on track with your financial plan.
Creating Financial Goals and Boundaries
When you start discussing money openly, you can create financial goals and set boundaries. This doesn't mean one person should be in charge and tell the other what they can and can't do.
Instead, create plans that help you set healthy boundaries while also reaching your combined and individual goals. For example, you could have a spending limit that allows each of you to spend how you want, but if you want to spend more than that amount, then you must consult one another. It's a clear and simple boundary to keep both partners happy.
Why Talking About Money Is Hard
There are many reasons talking about money is hard. Whether you worry about what others think, you listen to society's stigmas, or you grew up thinking that talking about money isn't okay, you may have many reasons talking about money is hard for you.
My clients have an entire list of reasons it's hard, but these are the most common reasons I hear:
Money Stigma and Judgements
There's a stigma about money conversations and an unwritten rule that you just don't have them. Most people believe money should be kept private, whether you have a lot or a little. So there's this stigma that people assume you're a 'bad person' if you have debt and a 'good person' if you have a lot of money saved.
Those judgments, however, are in our heads, even to the extent we may all believe them. Sometimes our brains can be our worst bullies. You assume people will judge you for your money decisions or spending habits, but that's not the case, especially when you're talking about a partner that wants to achieve financial peace with you.
Your Financial Relationship Affects Your Personal Relationships
Many people I talk to are worried that talking about money will ruin their relationship. This is especially true in a new relationship. It gets hard as you get more serious, and then you have to have the big-money talk. You worry that your spending habits, credit scores, or the amount of debt you have will turn your partner away from you.
This usually isn't the case. However, financial infidelity or hiding any money, debt, or other financial information will turn a partner away. Partners want full disclosure and to know what they're getting into before they're married. They want to know what's happening to their finances when they are married.
Yes, the money talk is hard, but not talking about money can hurt your relationship more than discussing finances.
How to Talk About Money With Your Partner and Friends
Now that you know you have to start talking about money, it's time to learn how to talk about money. It's not as stressful as you might think, and like most things in life, it's the anticipation that's the worst part of the situation.
Here are the steps to discuss finances with your partner and friends.
Picking the Right Time
Don't have the difficult conversation about money when your partner or friend is in a bad mood or dealing with other heavy stuff. Instead, wait until both of you are in good head space and are able to be open and honest with one another.
You should have your own space and feel comfortable enough to have the tough conversation, whether you're talking about how much debt you have, your spending habits, or how you'll make ends meet.
The key is to find a quiet place where you both can focus only on the money conversation and nothing else.
Removing Shame and Blame
Using a lot of 'I’s' in your conversation is important. In other words, don't point fingers. For example, don't say, 'you spent this' or 'you missed this bill.' This only points blame and makes the other person feel bad.
Remember, you are in this as a team. All financial decisions should be made together, so if something goes wrong, you can say, 'we made a mistake,’ not ‘you made a mistake.' When you act like you're on a team, and it's not a one-on-one competition, you're much more likely to resolve your financial issues and stay focused on reaching your goals.
Creating Money Goals
When discussing finances, it's important to create money goals together. Everyone will have different goals, so it's best if you each come to the conversation with your ideas. Make a running list of all your financial goals, and compare it to your partner's list.
You might find you have many similarities, making it much easier to agree on certain goals. However, when it comes to differences, find a way to compromise. Prioritize each other's goals to determine which you should focus on first.
Starting this conversation can be a little more difficult, so start slow. Don't expect big changes at once, and don't get upset if you don't agree on the money goals immediately. It takes time to meet one another halfway, but as you reach smaller goals together, you'll find it easier to work as a team towards one another's goals and stop having big fights.
Being Transparent
The number one rule when learning how to talk about money is to be transparent. Never hide anything from your spouse regarding money. This includes debts, income, and assets. Hiding money or financial information is like hiding information that you're involved with someone else.
Money is a sensitive topic, but not telling the truth about it can cause the biggest fights you've ever had in a relationship.
When you're transparent, you are both on the same page regarding each other's finances. As a result, you don't have to worry that your spouse is hiding money from you or that your partner has so much debt that you don't know how you'll ever get out of it.
From day one, make it a goal to be 100% honest and transparent with your partner. Be honest even when you make mistakes or go over budget. Together you can work out a solution when both parties know. But when you keep your significant other in the dark, it only makes things worse.
Dealing With Negative Reactions
Most people fear discussing money with their spouse because of negative reactions. Of course no one likes to upset their significant other, but with a topic like money, it can be hard to know what to say or not to say so that the other person doesn't get upset.
The key isn't understanding how to keep your partner happy (it's nice, but not always necessary); instead, it's important to know how to deal with negative reactions to prevent them from becoming something worse.
Knowing When to Time Out
Talking about a sensitive topic can be hard. If you or your spouse get frustrated, anxious, or angry, it's time to take a time out. Don't keep pushing and assume you'll get your spouse to change their mind.
Instead, learn to take a step back and give everyone room to breathe. Keeping the conversations going when either party is inflamed can be one of the worst decisions you make. This only forces a person to say things they don't mean or even have reactions they regret.
Agree to disagree for the moment, and take a time out. It could mean taking a break for 30 minutes or an entire week. Only you know how long you should wait to talk again so that both parties will have a clear head and be able to see where one another comes from.
Moving Ahead in Conversation
After you've given each other time, regroup and try to move forward with the conversation. This time, though, take it slower. Before you talk, figure out where things went wrong. What triggered the disagreement? Use this as an example to move forward.
You aren't going to solve everything in one conversation, so make sure you're both staying on the same page in working together throughout the process. Then, you can agree to put things off until your next money conversation or try to resolve some of the money issues now.
The key is to be open to what one another needs. Pushing too hard can make discussing finances something you and your spouse can't do without fighting, and that's the last thing you want in your marriage.
Know Your Audience
By now, you know your spouse or partner. You know what triggers them or what your significant other needs when something doesn't go right.
Ask yourself, do they need more time and space, or would talking this out until you resolve the issue feel better? Then, think of yourself in this situation too. What would make you feel warm and fuzzy?
Would it help to look at the positive things you've done regarding your personal finance? Naming things you have done right can change the conversation's trajectory and make you feel more lighthearted and happy. Switching the mood can also help you figure out how to move forward in the future.
Money and Relationships FAQs
Where and When Can You Talk About Money?
There isn't a right time or place to talk about money that's right for everyone. Think about what you both need and want, and start there. For example, do you prefer to keep your money conversations at home? Would you prefer to have the conversations over dinner, on a date, and/or only at specified times?
It's best to keep the conversations private, but some people prefer to meet at a neutral place rather than their home so that no one feels like they have the upper hand.
How Do You Start and End a Money Conversation?
You should start and end a money conversation on a positive note. Start talking about the positive things each has done regarding money. Slowly, you can get into the money issues you need to discuss, but then again, before you end, ensure you're both ending on a positive note so that no one walks away upset.
Should You Tell Your Partner How Much Money You Have?
It's always best to tell your partner how much money you have. Hiding money only leads to trust issues and big fights. While personal finance may seem private, if you're getting married or are married, it's something you shouldn't keep from each other.
How to Talk About Money With Your Partner Early On?
The earlier you talk to your partner about money, the better. Make it a natural part of your conversations when you're dating. This way, when you're married, it won't feel like such a sensitive and off-limits topic. Start with small topics like who will pay the bill, and each date will move into more in-depth money conversations.
Relationships and Money: The Bottom Line
Relationships and money go hand-in-hand, so knowing how to talk about money with one another is crucial to your relationship. If you find that it's a difficult conversation, don't be afraid to reach out to a marriage and financial counselor to get you on the same page. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
