How to Talk About Money in a Relationship: A Comprehensive Guide
Knowing how to talk about money in a relationship is the key to a healthy partnership. Don't let money scare you or ruin a good thing between you and your partner.
Here's everything you should know about relationships and money.
Real Money Talks: Does Money Matter in a Relationship?
Having the money talk regularly is an integral part of your relationship. Not sure why money conversations are important? Here are the key reasons:
You'll be on the same page and fight less.
You can discuss your financial goals together and make sure you're on track.
Together you can create a monthly budget that you both agree to and understand.
You'll both understand the big financial picture you're trying to paint.
Talking openly and regularly keeps the lines of communication open, reduces the risk of financial infidelity, and keeps each other accountable.
Talking About Money: Conversation to Have
When you're having real money talks, what conversations should you have? Since discussing finances can look many different ways, here are some topics to guide you in your talk about money.
Income
If both parties work, it's important to be open about your income. Don't discuss only your salary; also, discuss any other income you bring in, such as commission, bonuses, or side gig income.
Be honest with your partner about money and how much you make. Not disclosing your full income is a form of financial infidelity, as you're holding back from your partner about money rather than telling them the truth.
Don't exaggerate about how much money you make, either. Instead, be honest; talk about money goals and what your future looks like regarding the income at your job.
Credit Score
Credit scores are a big part of your financial relationship. They are often a sore topic among couples, especially if one partner has bad credit, but even if that’s you, don't hide it.
Both partners should disclose their credit scores, and when you talk money, you can decide how to improve each other's credit. For example, if one partner comes into the relationship with a lot of credit card debt, it can hurt their credit score. You can then create a debt payoff plan together that will put you on a more stable financial ground and help your credit report.
When you're married, you'll likely take on joint debt, which means each person's credit score plays a role in whether you get the loan or credit card, as well as what interest rate you’ll be charged. So talk about credit scores early, and figure out a way to fix them if necessary.
Debt
How much debt you're in is another dreaded topic in the money talk, but it's necessary. You must talk about all types of debt, how much you have, and how you'll take care of it, including the following.
Credit Cards
Credit card debt is usually the worst debt because the interest rates are high. If you're only making the minimum payment, it could take years to get out of the debt.
Discuss each partner's total debt, and together create a financial plan to get out of it. Of course you won't pay it off overnight, but you can dig your way out and improve your money situation with consistent effort.
Student Loans
Student loan debt can be a taboo subject, too, if only because some people have $40,000 or more in student loans. Don't be ashamed of your student loans, but be honest about them so that together you can figure out how to pay them off.
You might be eligible for loan forgiveness, a repayment plan, or even some benefits by consolidating the debt into one loan, but don't make any decisions until you start talking about money and the debts you each carry. Student loan rules can be complex, and the loans themselves can be quite large, so if you or your partner have a lot of money at stake, consider speaking to a student loan expert.
Car Loans
Disclose any car loans you have, including when any leases will be up or when a loan to buy a car would be paid in full. It might not affect your marital finances if you only have a short time left. However, if you just bought the car and have four or five years of payments left, you should disclose the debt, its payment, its interest rate, and how long you have left.
Property
If you own property, but it has a loan on it, disclose the loan amount, interest, and total payment. Let your partner know the terms of the loan, including whether the interest rate is fixed or adjustable and, relatedly, whether the monthly payment amount could suddenly change. Share about the current market value of the property, any property taxes owed, and any other significant expenses to maintain it.
Property loans are collateralized by the property itself, meaning that if you default (i.e. don’t make your payments), the bank can sell the property to recoup some or all of the money you still owe. However, the property does have value, and if that value is more than the amount you owe on the loan, then the property actually adds to your net worth, which can make it a positive aspect of your big money talk!
Money History
Don't be afraid to share your money history. Start talking about your money story and how you were raised with money. Did your family struggle with money? Maybe they were savers or spenders. However you grew up with money shapes how you handle it today, so share the stories.
If you've been an adult for a while, discuss how you've handled money in the past. Were you successful in reaching your financial goals, or did you get in over your head? If you’ve ever lived with or otherwise shared expenses with a previous partner, share what did and didn’t work well then. Be honest with your partner in your money talks.
Separate vs. Shared Finances
As you learn how to talk about money in relationships, you must discuss how you'll handle the finances. For example, will you have a joint account or separate accounts? Who will handle the money and bills?
Discuss how you'll split everything and also how you'll keep both partners on the same page — even if one person handles the bills and logistics while the other person doesn't handle money.
Money Relationship Goals and Values
Together, talk about your financial relationship now and what you want to see out of it in the future. What do you both value?
There's a good chance you won't be on the same page, at least not completely, and that's okay. First, discuss what financial goals you have in common and which you don't. Then learn to compromise so both partners feel seen and heard in the relationship.
And remember, it’s okay for their to be some individual goals alongside some joint ones!
Spending vs. Saving Habits
Disclose to one another your spending and saving habits. If you're a great saver, say that, but don't hide it if you love to shop. Your partner must know what they're getting into before you tie the knot.
This isn't a situation where one partner is right and the other wrong. You're just trying to prevent frustration or resentment from feeling misled or misinformed, and to get on the same wavelength to meet your financial goals.
Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity is just as bad as cheating physically and emotionally, so talk about the ways you'll avoid it as a couple. It could be something as simple as keeping each other informed on all transactions or giving each partner equal access to the bank accounts.
Relationship Balance or Imbalance
If you have a role preference in your money relationship, talk about it. Tell your partner what level of responsibility you want. When roles are balanced and each partner is comfortable in their role, managing finances becomes a breeze.
Money and Relationships: The Different Stages
The First Date
On the first date, you're already having the money conversation. When the bill comes, and you say, 'I'll pay,' or 'let's split,' you're making a financial decision together. You can be as forward as you want in this situation and even say something like ‘I want to take you to dinner,' so that it’s clear who is paying.
Dating
As you date, bring up money as often as possible without sounding obsessed. Make the conversation natural, but pay attention to your date's answers. Let the conversation flow nicely into other conversations about money too.
As you get more serious, questions to ask a significant other may include topics like credit scores, money stories, or financial goals. This is important especially as you get closer to thinking about marriage or other serious commitments.
Marriage
Hopefully before you're married you've gotten to know one another's financial ways well enough; however, that doesn't mean you stop having the money talk once you're married.
It's a good idea to have a money conversation at least monthly to start. Assess where you're at, discuss what separate and joint bills you must handle, and measure the progress made toward your financial goals.
Big Life Decisions
When you're married, you make big life decisions together. You should talk about them long before they happen, such as having a baby, buying a house, or buying a second home.
Create financial goals together so that you have similar ideas about what to do with your money. Also, don't forget to have an emergency fund saved so that when unexpected big life decisions come up, you have the money to handle them.
Retirement Planning
Retirement planning should start immediately. If you haven't started separately, start together. Both partners should inquire about their company's 401(k) program and consider other retirement account options.
Think about when you want to retire and what you'll do up to that point. For example, will one spouse stop working when you have kids? If yes, consider starting to save early to ensure there’s already some money set aside when they stop working.
How to Have a Serious Conversation About Your Relationship: Tips and Tricks
Listen and Observe - Don't Pry
When you learn how to talk about money in relationships, it's important not to pry. Don't act like a private investigator. Instead, listen, be empathic, and observe your spouse's mannerisms. You'll learn a lot about their stance on money just by listening.
Schedule Money Relationship Talks
Regular talks about money keep you on an even wavelength. One partner won't feel like the other has full control, and you'll both understand your financial situation. Make your money dates like regular date nights, even if the conversations are much shorter than a typical date. Knowing that the scheduled night is all about your personal finance can help you make sure that you're in the right frame of mind.
Use a Script or Create an Outline
You might not be nervous to talk to your partner about money, but sometimes writing down what you want to say is best, ensuring you remember all important topics and keeping the conversation on track.
Take Baby Steps
Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will your relationship and money. Take your time, making one change at a time. Make sure you both want the same changes and understand how to make them. Measure your progress, and adjust as needed.
Seek Help From a Money Therapist or Financial Coach
If the real money talks are too difficult for you and your partner alone, seek help from a money therapist or financial coach. You can work on your relationship and money, creating financial goals, making plans, and ensuring you both understand how to have a healthy relationship with money.
Fighting About Money? Here's How to Get Over It
If you're fighting about money with your spouse or partner, here are some simple tips to get over it:
Take space to calm down and reset, and come back to talking about money when you’ve both cooled off
Talk to a friend or relative about the situation to get a new perspective
Get help from a money therapist
Take turns listening to one another with an open mind and heart
Be empathic
Money in Relationships: FAQ
What Should I Do - My Husband Made a Big Purchase Without Telling Me?
It can be frustrating when your husband makes a big purchase without telling you, but it's not the end of the world. Be honest with him about your feelings, and discuss how you'd like it handled in the future. It may be that he didn't know how you'd react or that you would care. Be open with one another and willing to accept change.
Should You Tell Your Partner How Much Money You Have?
If you're getting serious in your relationship, it's best to tell your partner about money. Don't hide any, as that looks like financial infidelity. The more honest you are about money, the easier it is to reach your goals together.
What Should I Do if My Husband Says His Money Is His?
Tell your husband your feelings about his money stance. If he doesn't budge and you still feel upset, consider seeking the help of a money therapist.
How Do I Talk to My Husband About Money Without Fighting?
Don't talk to your husband about money when you're upset. Wait until you're both in the right headspace and can have an open mind. Listen to one another, and try to meet in the middle rather than just one person getting their way.
How Often Should Couples Discuss Finances?
The more often you can talk about finances, the better. Consider at least monthly money dates, but if that's too often, talk as often as you and your partner can.
What to Do When You and Your Partner Are Money Opposites?
Opposites attract, even when it has to do with money. The key is listening to one another, being willing to compromise, and learning to give and take so you'll both feel honored in money and relationships.
Why Do We Generally Dislike Talking About Money?
Money feels stressful to most people, especially if you were brought up not to talk about it. However, transparency is best in any situation, and the more you talk about it, the more natural it will feel in your relationship.
How to Talk About Money in a Relationship: The Bottom Line
Knowing how to talk about money in a relationship is the key to a happy marriage or any relationship. Take it slow, listen to one another, and don't be afraid to hire a money therapist if you aren't reaching a resolution. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
