Signs To Look Out for When You Feel Your Husband* Lies About Money
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
If you have a sneaking feeling that your husband lies about money, you may be right.
Some signs may point to his indiscretions, even if he is great at sneaking and thinks he's pulling the wool over your eyes. Here are the top signs to look for when worrying about your husband lying.
What Does it Mean When Your Husband Lies About Money?
When one spouse lies about money, it could look many different ways. It doesn't just mean that he spent all the money or racked up so much credit card debt that you must file for bankruptcy.
Husbands may lie about their spending habits, income, addictive habits, or have undisclosed bank accounts. Lying about money has many facets, and it depends on your relationship and how you and your spouse agree to handle money.
Is It Considered Financial Infidelity When Your Husband Lies About Money?
Financial infidelity is a term that's being widely thrown around today, thanks to social media, and it's a real problem. Most people only think of infidelity as physical cheating, but financial infidelity can be just as bad, if not worse.
When your husband lies about money, he doesn't tell you the truth, much like a spouse committing physical infidelity goes behind their spouse's back.
Spending money without a spouse's knowledge, opening accounts a spouse doesn't know about, or shielding a spouse from financial decisions are all forms of financial cheating.
Potential Reasons Why Your Husband Lies About Money
If you suspect your husband has lied, you might wonder why your husband lies about money or why you should even concern yourself with it. Every relationship is different, but here are some common reasons my clients have for lying about money.
Addiction
Any addictions that require money to keep them up could cause a spouse to lie about money. Common addictions include drugs, alcohol, or gambling.
Spouses may lie about money so that they have enough to fulfill their addiction and get what they need. They may not disclose their habits not only because of the financial issues it causes but also because of the embarrassment they feel for having an addiction.
Consider seeking professional help to support you and your spouse in navigating an addiction.
Need To Fit In
Many spouses feel like they must provide for their spouses and go above and beyond to 'show off.' They may act like they have more money than they do because they think it keeps the marriage on good terms and makes them look good in front of everyone else.
Mental Health Issues
Some people spend money to deal with issues like depression or anxiety. 'Retail therapy,' as they call it, provides some people with a 'high' that allows them to avoid the unpleasant feelings mental health issues cause.
Physical Infidelity
When a spouse cheats physically, they usually commit financial infidelity, too, because it costs money to keep up a relationship and sneak around. In this case, a person lying in one aspect of their life usually leads to lying in other areas, as well.
Embarrassment
Some spouses financially cheat because they are embarrassed about their life circumstances and don't want to admit to it. Job loss is a common reason, but there are many reasons people feel inadequate and find it necessary to lie about money.
Retaliation
Some spouses feel the need to 'retaliate' financially for wrongdoing their spouse does. Their spouse's wrongdoing may have nothing to do with finances, but if they know financially retaliating will hurt you, they may overspend or commit other forms of financial deception.
7 Signs To Look Out For
If you're worried that your husband committed financial infidelity, here are some common signs to look for to uncover the financial lies.
1. Avoids Discussions About Family Finances
If you normally have a pretty open relationship regarding finances, but your spouse suddenly avoids discussing financial matters, it could be a sign of financial infidelity.
Notice how he acts when you bring up money or ask questions about the bank account. If he seems secretive or defensive, it could be a sign that your spouse lied about money at some point and doesn't want to admit it.
2. Making Financial Decisions Without Informing
If your spouse suddenly starts making financial decisions without you or tries hiding statements that come in, it could be a sign of financial infidelity.
He may take it upon himself to make decisions about the household budget or not discuss your financial situation with you, taking it upon himself to handle things 'his way.'
3. Having Secret Bank Accounts
If your spouse has a secret bank account, he may rush to grab the mail daily or change the passwords on your online accounts so you don't notice the new accounts.
You may even find out by stumbling across a deposit slip or bank statement he left lying around or that showed up in the mail when he wasn't there.
4. Talking About Money Leads To Arguing
When a husband lies about money, he naturally gets defensive, making most conversations lead to arguments.
If even small conversations about the bank or credit card statements, basic household needs, or financial goals cause your spouse to get angry, it could be a sign he is hiding something from you.
5. Working Secret Side Hustles
If you notice your spouse is suddenly busier than usual, it could be because he's working side hustles to have 'secret money.'
If your current financial situation doesn't allow him to spend money without you knowing, he may need to get creative to find ways to have money to spend without your knowledge.
6. Lying About Salary
Your husband may commit financial infidelity without excessive spending or habits. He may do it based on pride by lying about his salary. This one is an easy one to find out if you see the tax returns when you file.
Since both spouses are required sign joint tax returns, it's easy to see; just make sure you review them before signing them to see if what your spouse tells you is true.
7. Having Unfamiliar Debts
If you start seeing credit card debt you don't recognize, it could be a sign of financial infidelity. Your spouse may rack up debt with his shopping addiction or other habits he doesn't share with you.
This can occur on credit cards you already own, or he may open new debts or lines of credit to fuel his habits.
How To Approach and Confront Your Husband About His Lies
If you've discovered your spouse lied about money, talking to him is important, but how you do it is most important. Here are some tips to help you through the conversation.
Don't blame: Pointing fingers only makes the other person feel bad. Instead, lead the conversation in a loving and helpful way. Let your spouse know you are willing to listen and get the right help to solve the financial trouble and get your marriage back on track.
Go through the paperwork: Either on your own or with your spouse, go through the financial paperwork to make heads or tails out of what happened. Ask to see all bank and credit card statements and any other financial information that could help you resolve the issues.
Suggest a team effort: You don't have to take over the finances because of financial infidelity, but you should work on it as a team. Try creating a plan that puts both partners on the same page but has clear expectations for both parties.
Create a workable budget: Try to be aware of the spending money your spouse needs to feel good about himself without going overboard and include it in the budget. Let him see the budget so he knows his limits and what will happen if he doesn't stick to it.
Get help: If confronting your husband about your hurt feelings, consider enlisting the help of a family therapist, especially one that handles finances and marriage. A neutral third party may be what you need to get the conversation going.
How To Cope With Dishonesty in a Relationship
Coping with dishonesty in a relationship can be difficult, especially if it also causes financial problems. Financial cheating can feel worse than physical cheating in some cases, or it may even go hand-in-hand.
When dealing with a partner's lies, it's best to get the support of a professional. You need someone who can help you sort through the hurt feelings while figuring out how to achieve peace and harmony in the marriage again.
Financial infidelity doesn't have to mean divorce, but if you don't process the feelings appropriately, it can feel impossible not to divorce. Before confronting your spouse or making rash decisions, consider your feelings deep down and what you want for the marriage moving forward.
It’s Time for an Honest Conversation
It can feel terrible when you find out your husband lies about money, but you may be able to work through it. Honest conversations, professional help, and teamwork are the keys for married couples to work through financial infidelity and its consequences.
If you aren't sure how to move forward or process your feelings, consider booking a consultation to see how financial counseling can help you and your spouse move forward.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
