AITA for Refusing To Give My Husband* Money?
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
The internet is buzzing with all types of acronyms and slang. Some may strike home in your marriage, including, 'AITA for refusing to give my husband money?'
What exactly does this mean, and should you worry about it?
What Does 'AITA' Mean?
AITA is an internet acronym for 'Am I the A******?' It offers a way for people to search for advice and opinions from strangers on their decisions to see if they are in the wrong.
Of course, this is solely based on opinion, and you should use your own thoughts to decide how you want to act in your marriage.
AITA for Refusing To Give My Husband Money?
You may find yourself in this predicament if you make more money than your husband but don't give him any or as much as he'd like. Some people claim it is wrong not to give your husband or spouse money, but others completely agree.
Here's the key point.
You decide what is right for your marriage and yourself. When you married, did you agree on how you'd handle money?
Maybe you decided to keep separate accounts or only join the funds needed for household bills. There's no right or wrong way to handle your finances; you should do what works for your marriage.
So, are you wrong for not giving him money?
It depends on the circumstances, but if that is what works for you, it does not make you wrong.
What Should I Consider Before Refusing To Give Money to My Husband?
A key factor in deciding if you should give your husband money is how it will be used. Ask yourself:
Does my husband work? If your husband works and earns a decent living, you probably don't have to give him money. If you keep separate accounts, it's up to him to budget appropriately. If you have joint accounts and each person has 'fun money,' it's up to him how he spends it.
Are you the sole earner? If you are the only one who works in the relationship, consider how you'll handle money. Your husband will need money to live, but that doesn't mean you must give him whatever he wants. Create a budget and plan so you are both on the same page when handling money.
How will your husband use the funds? You don't have to be a stalker and know everything your husband does with his money. However, if you're aware of any bad habits he has that you want to curb, like addiction or gambling, you may want to avoid giving him money to avoid enabling him.
The Signs of Financial Abuse
There's a fine line between not giving your husband money because of his habits or your agreement and financial abuse. This isn't a term to use loosely, but you should understand what it looks like to ensure you don't cross those lines when deciding whether to give your husband money.
Financial abuse is defined as controlling a person's ability to have and use money. Here are some common signs of it:
Overly controlling a person's use of their money.
Withholding money from a spouse.
Demanding full access to a spouse's paycheck or assets.
Not sharing any financial details, including the budget, bank account, or credit card information.
Not paying bills or debt anymore and lying about it.
Opening credit cards or bank accounts in a spouse's name without their consent.
What Do I Do if My Husband Disagrees With My Decision?
There are bound to be arguments or disagreements in your marriage. Knowing how to handle them and work them out is key to a peaceful marriage.
The first step is to communicate. Both partners should come to the conversation with an open mind. You both have ideas on how to handle money.
It doesn't mean your marriage is doomed if they don't align. Both partners should have an opportunity to share their feelings so you can find a middle ground. This isn't a 'my way or the highway' situation.
After communicating, try creating a budget and financial plan together. Create goals, determine how you'll handle household bills, and have a process in place for when you don't agree about how money is spent.
If you can't seem to reach a middle ground or your conversations go nowhere, consider consulting with a financial coach who can help you discuss your financial and marital needs proactively.
What if My Husband Urgently Needs the Money?
If you've created a plan to handle funds, and your husband needs more money urgently, you may feel like you're in a difficult situation.
If you tell him 'no,' you risk his integrity, but if you tell him 'yes,' you may feel like you're opening Pandora's box.
There's no right or wrong way to handle this, as each situation differs. Again, the key is open communication and problem-solving together.
If it's a one-time situation where your husband needs money fast, consider helping him, but have a plan in place to prevent the same issue from reoccurring.
Alternative Solutions
If you can't or don't want to give your husband money even if he claims it's urgent, here are some alternatives he can use:
Borrow from his friends or family.
Apply for a personal loan.
Start a side hustle.
Get a part-time job.
How To Avoid Potential Negative Impact on Our Relationship
Dealing with money can be difficult in a relationship, especially when one spouse makes more than the other. Knowing how to avoid conflict is important for a marriage filled with peace and harmony and fewer arguments.
Open and Honest Communication
As we've discussed, open and honest communication is the key to a happy marriage. You won't always see eye-to-eye, and that's okay! The key is to talk it out and be open to listening to each other's points of view.
If either partner makes a mistake, admit it and talk through it. Hiding it or avoiding the discussion only makes matters worse. It's important to get to the point where you can openly communicate with one another to ensure you are on the same page.
Propose Alternative Solutions
If you can't give your husband money, don't just say, 'no.' Instead, propose alternative solutions that help him think outside the box. Right now, all he knows is you make more than him, or you have access to more money than him, and he needs it.
Instead of shutting the door in his face, help him explore options that may help him and keep your marriage intact. If both partners bring ideas, you're more likely to solve problems peacefully.
Clarify Financial Boundaries
It's important to have financial boundaries in your marriage. Even if this means saying 'no' sometimes, it's how you keep both partners accountable.
Try creating boundaries together so neither partner has hard feelings or assumes the other is 'out to get them.' These boundaries will look different for each marriage; it depends on your financial situation and the goals you set.
Consider Long-Term Effects
When creating a financial plan and setting financial boundaries, look at the long-term. Your budget affects your finances today and in the future. While it may be difficult, try looking ahead five to ten years to determine how your choices today will affect them.
A marriage is for a lifetime, and every financial decision you make today will affect your financial life in the future. You can avoid future conflicts now by planning for the future together.
Reevaluate and Adjust
Any plans you make with your spouse should be flexible. Life can change in the blink of an eye and may require you to adjust your priorities, goals, and spending.
Set a standing 'money date' monthly and review how the last month went and any future changes you anticipate. Adjusting your budget and financial goals is a normal and healthy part of any marriage.
FAQs
Should I Prioritize My Husband’s Needs Over Financial Concerns?
Deciding what to prioritize can feel complicated, especially when your husband needs money fast. Before making any rash decisions, look at the big picture and decide what should take precedence.
If you don't have enough money to handle your husband's concerns, look at alternate solutions, such as talking to family, taking out a loan, or starting a side hustle.
How Do I Communicate My Decision Without Causing Strain?
Talking to your husband about money can feel complicated and stressful. The key is to discuss money when both partners have an open mind. Don't dictate how you'll handle money; instead, make decisions together so you are both on the same page, feeling seen and heard.
How Can We Navigate Disagreements About Financial Matters?
You will have money arguments; it's a natural part of marriage. The key is how you handle them. Open communication is the first step, as is having an open mind.
If you can't see eye-to-eye in one-on-one conversations, consider enlisting the help of a financial coach who can guide you in your marital and financial decisions.
How Do I Address Guilt or Concerns About Being Perceived as Selfish?
Don't let the opinions of others guide how you feel about your personal decisions. If you have an open mind, discuss the options with your spouse, and agree this is how it will be done, then you are not selfish.
Not doing things the way others might do doesn't make you selfish. Instead, it makes you an individual with the right to make decisions that are right for your marriage.
Can This Situation Affect Our Overall Financial Stability?
The key to preventing your husband's financial issues from affecting your overall financial stability is to have a plan and stick to it.
Include your husband's financial issues in your budget if you can. If not, immediately look for alternative solutions to prevent it from negatively affecting your financial stability and marriage.
Financial Peace Starts With a Plan
If you find yourself saying, “AITA for refusing to give my husband money,” you aren't alone. I encourage you to have your own opinion about your marriage and how you handle money.
But if you are concerned with how you're handling money or how to proceed, consider booking a consultation with me to see how I can help you and your spouse get on the same page.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
