Husband* Lying About Money? Know the Signs & Take the Steps
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Do you suspect your husband lying about money? You aren't alone, but that doesn't make it okay. Knowing the signs of dishonesty in a relationship and when to leave a lying spouse is the key to protecting yourself and your marriage.
Husband Lying About Money - Is This Financial Infidelity?
There's a fine line between lying about money and financial infidelity. But unfortunately, they usually intercept because lying and infidelity go hand in hand.
There is the rare instance that your husband might lie about money for the greater good of your family or his safety. In those cases, it may feel more like financial dishonesty in marriage than infidelity.
Signs of a Bigger Problem
However, when dealing with signs of dishonesty in a relationship, it's essential to know how to look for signs of a bigger problem. Here are some common signs that occur when it's more than lying in relationships.
Secret side hustles - Husbands that suddenly aren't around as much and are working secret side hustles may have committed financial infidelity to have money for things they won't discuss.
Dishonesty about debt - You may find signs of unfamiliar debts, such as credit card statements in the mail or emails from credit card companies you don't recognize.
Secret accounts - You may notice signs of bank accounts you don't recognize. For example, you may get a bank statement in the mail or see emails from unfamiliar banks.
Lying about salary - A lying husband may hide a new raise or not discuss a bonus he received. Instead, he may pocket the money, but you might find out about it when you file tax returns and see the amount of income on his W-2s.
Hiding sizeable purchases - Financial deception can occur when one partner hides large purchases. Your husband may shop online or in person but hide the purchases, receipts, and even bank statements from you.
Making big money moves without informing your partner - Major money decisions made without you are “lying husband” signs, too. In this situation, spouse may make major financial decisions without consulting you, but you find out later and question the choices he made.
Psychology Behind Cheating and Lying
You might wonder why your husband would cheat or lie about money. Unfortunately, it can happen even with the strongest of marriages. Financial matters are complicated in marriages, and sometimes they can get out of control.
When lying about money, it often starts out small but ends up becoming a bigger problem. So it becomes this cycle of continual lying and secret keeping that eventually affects the household's financial future.
Husband Lying About Money - 9 Reasons Why
If you're in a happy marriage, you might wonder why my husband is lying about money. In my practice, I see many reasons why one spouse lies, commits financial infidelity, and jeopardizes relationships.
The following are some of the most common reasons I see married couples experience financial dishonesty in marriage.
1. Fear
Fear is a common reason for financial dishonesty in marriage. Some men fear a loss of control, worrying that you won't allow them to have what they want or that they'll feel guilty for spending on themselves.
Others fear that the basic household needs won't be met, so they stash money to give themselves peace of mind.
It may not be an entirely bad thing when one partner feels the need to hide money, but the key in any relationship is communicating honestly to stay on the same page, even if that means sharing the worries and anxieties that have you feeling that way.
2. Pressure
In today's world of what many people call 'fake happiness, ' social media makes many people think they aren't living up to the typical standards. If your husband feels pressured to keep up with the Joneses, he might stop saving money and instead spend it on 'things' just to make himself or the family look 'as good as everyone else.'
3. Differing Values
Sometimes couples have different values. It may not start right away, but as you age and change, your values may not align. This may make people lie about money to meet their agenda.
It's not always for a bad, selfish, or evil purpose, either. For example, if one spouse believes in helping their adult children financially and their partner doesn't, one partner may hide money to give to their children without the other spouse knowing.
4. Money Anxiety
Money anxiety is a real problem today, especially in the high inflationary period we're experiencing. Some people worry they won't have enough money or worry about their spouse's ability to handle the family finances but don't want to say anything.
Instead of discussing the household budget, the need to save, and their concerns, a spouse may keep it to himself but begin hiding money to protect the family.
5. Protection
Sometimes a secret bank account or hiding money is for one partner's protection. For example, if your husband suspects physical infidelity, abuse, or impending divorce, he may begin separating finances to ensure he has enough money to handle the divorce or to leave the relationship.
6. Addiction
Addiction is the root of many evils, including a husband lying about money. Addiction can be gambling, drugs, alcohol, or even shopping. Each of these addictions requires spending money in large amounts, and once addicted, most spouses will do anything to get all the money needed to fuel the addiction.
7. Revenge
Husbands who suspect lying in relationships may exact revenge by committing financial infidelity. It's like the eye-for-an-eye mentality. If he caught you doing something or suspects you are lying, he may go out of his way to get into credit card debt, hide money, or do something else to ruin the family's financial situation.
8. Infidelity
Sexual infidelity can lead to financial infidelity. When a partner becomes involved with someone else, money is usually involved. They need to 'wine and dine' their new partner, which means taking money without a spouse's knowledge and creating some of the worst lies in a relationship.
9. Planning a Surprise
Like I said earlier, not all lies about money are bad. For example, money is usually involved when a spouse is planning a surprise. If you find out about the money, you may think my spouse lied, but eventually, you may learn that it was all in good fun.
How to Gain Trust Back in a Relationship After Lying
Most reasons for lying about money aren't good for a relationship, but the good news is that it's possible to learn how to stop lying in a relationship.
Have a Heart-To-Heart
Overcoming hurt feelings can seem challenging, but it starts with honest conversations. Pointing fingers doesn't help the situation. Instead, set clear expectations with one another and gain insight into each other's spending habits, money stories, and what drove them to commit the financial infidelity.
Set Goals Together
After discovering why financial infidelity happened, consider setting financial goals together. Don't jump in too fast and expect things to change magically, though. Instead, set small goals you can reach quickly to see how together, you can overcome the financial infidelity issues and create a happy marriage.
Put Your Plan Into Action
After setting your financial goals, put your plan into action. If you set large goals, break them down into smaller pieces to go after the financial issues that the financial infidelity caused, such as credit card debt.
Track Your Partner's Follow-Through
Consider setting up regular money talks or money dates. This gives you time to talk honestly about money and measure the progress. If you're worried about compulsive lying about money, this is a great step to reassure yourself that your partner's lies are in the past, or you can at least you can catch them before things spiral further and work together.
Work With a Financial Coach
If you can't work things out yourself, consider working with a financial advisor or coach. You can get help with your relationship and finances, helping you both learn to talk about your marriage, finances, and how to make crucial decisions together while practicing honesty.
When to Leave a Lying Spouse
Sometimes, financial infidelity is bad enough that leaving is the only option. This is usually the case when compulsive lying about money doesn't stop or things worsen. It's also best to leave if you don't feel safe or your spouse won't change, despite you sharing your feelings after you've experienced financial infidelity.
Lying in a Relationship - FAQs
Is It Illegal to Hide Money From Your Spouse?
Hiding money from your spouse is not necessarily illegal if you're married. However, if you go through divorce proceedings and you hide money, it could be illegal and cause more issues throughout the proceedings.
What Should I Do if My Husband Keeps Lying to Me?
If you feel your husband is still lying, consider finding a family therapist or financial coach. Using a neutral party may help your spouse face the depths of what happened and want to make amends.
Is Financial Infidelity a Common Problem?
A shocking 30% of couples have experienced financial infidelity at some point in their marriage. It's a common problem, yet one many don't discuss.
Husband Lying About Money - The Bottom Line
If you catch your husband lying about money, it doesn't have to end your marriage. Depending on the damage caused, there may be ways to overcome it. Even if you discover bad spending habits, addictions, student loan debt, or other debts you didn't know about, taking steps to get the peace and harmony back in your marriage can help both you and your spouse.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
