How To Manage When I Make More Money Than My Husband*
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Years ago, the husband almost always made the most money in a relationship. It's just how life worked. Today, there are many situations where the wife earns more than the husband, yet some couples don't know how to handle the wife-as-primary-breadwinner dynamic.
If you wonder, "How do I manage when I make more money than my husband?" you aren't alone. Keep reading to learn tips and tricks to make your marriage work while making smart personal finance decisions.
How To Manage When I Make More Money Than My Husband
Knowing how to manage your relationship when your income is higher than your husband's is important. In some marriages, it isn't a big deal, but in others, husbands feel like taking care of the family unit by making the most income is important.
Here are some ways to feel like you're on the same team and not in a competition.
Open and Honest Communication
Open communication is generally key to a happy marriage in all aspects, not just household finances. You must be on the same page regarding handling money, paying the bills, and setting financial goals as a couple.
Listen to your spouse's feelings. Make him feel validated and that you understand how making more money can damage his self-esteem.
Set Joint Goals
Just because you have a higher income than your spouse doesn't mean you can't set goals together. A marriage is a unity, and together, you can set financial goals that help you achieve what you both want in your relationship.
There isn't a right or wrong way to set goals. They can be anything from saving for a down payment for a house, taking a dream vacation, or having enough money to be financially independent and retire early.
Redefining Traditional Gender Roles
Society has us believe that in a traditional relationship, the husband works, and the wife stays home. However, that's no longer the case today.
A growing number of couples are challenging those societal norms, and either both partners are working full-time, or one is working while the other stays home, but it doesn't have to be the wife who stays home.
The key is to determine what works in your relationship. How do you want to share responsibilities, including financially? Your marriage should be an equal partnership where you both have an equal say in everything, including your joint finances.
Create a Budget Together
One of the best ways to manage money when you make more than your husband is to create a budget together.
This is the best way to make both partners feel seen and heard. Just because one partner earns more than the other doesn't give them the 'upper hand' when creating a budget and covering the joint expenses.
Set money dates where your only focus is your budget and how you'll cover the household bills. It's a good idea to have these dates monthly to revisit your budget, check your progress, and reassess any necessary changes.
Supporting Each Other's Career Growth
Despite how society makes us feel, you are entitled to your own feelings. If, in your relationship, you have a supportive environment where you support one another's career growth, you'll have a happier and healthier marriage.
Jealousy robs a marriage of potential happiness, and if it's over something like one spouse making more than the other, it can make for a miserable time.
Saving and Investing Strategies for Dual-Income Households
Saving money as a couple is often just as important as covering the bills. Creating goals and plans to save and invest is the key to reaching your goals. Discuss your short and long-term plans and how each partner will contribute to the end goal.
For example, the primary breadwinner may contribute a larger percentage of their income to their retirement accounts to help reach their retirement goals.
The other spouse may contribute to shorter-term goals, such as emergency funds, saving for a down payment on a house, or other short-term goals.
Seek Professional Advice if Needed
Sometimes, making financial decisions as a couple can be challenging, especially if you make more money than your husband.
If your husband feels slighted or less than, or you worry about his feelings, you may consider seeking professional advice. A financial coach can help you in your marriage and finances to reach your goals and have a happy marriage.
Should I Be Concerned About Making More Money Than My Husband?
You might wonder if you should worry if you make more than your husband makes. Societal norms overall still state that the husband should be the 'breadwinner,' and statistics show that the likelihood of of people reporting that they are “‘very happy’ with their marriage declines when a woman earns more money than her husband.”
Does this mean you shouldn't make more money than your husband?
Not necessarily.
Everyone has their strengths, which sometimes means the wife makes more than the husband, and that's okay. You don’t have to live by societal norms, and while there nevertheless are often pressures to do so, hopefully you are able to choose what is right for your particular marriage.
Should We Have Separate Bank Accounts or a Joint Account In This Situation?
Each couple has different ideas regarding how to handle money. Some prefer to have separate bank accounts and split the bills accordingly.
Other couples only have a joint account, yet some have a hybrid of a joint and separate bank account. Together, you should decide what works best for your relationship.
How Do We Divide Household Chores When One Partner's Income Is Such a Big Chunk of the Total Earnings?
Another hot topic in marriages is how to split the household chores, like cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Some partners feel they should do less housework if they earn the most, while others split it 50/50. Like your finances, this is a personal decision you must make in your relationship.
The amount of money a person earns shouldn't dictate the amount of chores they do. A marriage is a combined effort. You should act as a team. Work with one another's strengths and time constraints to determine how to handle your chores.
How Do You Split Expenses With Your Partner When Our Incomes Aren’t Roughly the Same Amount?
Together, you can decide how to handle the bills. You can split expenses proportionately according to the percentage of income you contribute to the household, split them 50/50, or any other variation you choose that's right for your marriage.
If you aren't sure how to navigate the situation, consider talking to a financial coach who can help you understand one another's feelings and make the decisions that cover your joint costs with the least amount of stress on your relationship.
FAQs
Is It Really Such a Big Deal if I Make More Money Than My Husband?
Female breadwinners are common today, but some male partners still find it offensive. If you can shut out society's thoughts and feelings and do what feels right in your marriage, it's not a big deal if you make more money than your husband.
However, if it causes emotional issues, you can talk with a financial coach to help you work through the differences.
How Can We Ensure Financial Fairness When I Earn More Than My Husband?
Financial fairness is subjective in each marriage. The key is to have open communication so both partners feel on the same page and have equal footing in the relationship.
How Can We Manage Our Personal Finances Effectively When There's an Income Gap in Our Relationship?
Open communication is the key to managing your personal finances effectively. Some couples may split expenses proportionately according to their income. Others may split them 50/50 or have a joint account to cover all expenses regardless of how much each partner earns.
Is It Necessary To Merge All Our Finances When I Make More Than My Husband?
There isn't a rule or law stating you must merge your finances when you make more than your husband. It's up to you and your partner how you handle your money.
If you feel more comfortable keeping your finances separate, discuss it with your husband to ensure that's what he feels is best, too.
How Do We Handle Societal Expectations and Potential Pressure When I'm the Female Breadwinner?
Society can be loud in our relationships, but the key is to focus on what's important, and that is you and your spouse.
You can both work hard, yet one spouse makes more than the other, and that's okay. Society doesn't have a say in your relationship, but it's up to you and your husband to create a solid bond and shut out the comments or thoughts of others.
It Doesn't Matter Who the Breadwinner Is
It can be concerning to think, "I make more money than my husband, and he doesn't like it," but it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. The key is to achieve peace and harmony in your marriage, no matter the gender roles or how much each person makes.
If you and your husband are at odds because you earn more than he does or you don't know how to handle the bills because of it, consider reaching out for a free consultation to help your marriage and finances get back on track.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
