I Pay For Everything in My Marriage: 9 Ways To Deal With It
Are you feeling exhausted about your role in your relationship? Maybe you think, 'I pay for everything in my marriage, and I'm tired of it.'
You aren't alone, and there are ways to handle it that don't lead to divorce. Marriage and money are hard to handle, but with the right steps, you can get your relationship back on track.
Why Do I Pay For Everything in My Marriage?
Every marriage is different, meaning each couple has a different way of splitting the expenses. In some marriages, one person bears the responsibility for the household expenses.
It could be how you started the relationship and didn't change things when you got married, or maybe it had to be that way for a while because your spouse wasn't working and you were the sole breadwinner.
Paying for everything might have become routine, and you never changed it.
Of course, it could also be because your spouse is taking advantage of you or you don't have a healthy relationship.
Should a Husband Pay For Everything in a Marriage, or Is a Shared Financial Responsibility More Ideal?
There aren't any laws regarding whether one partner should pay all the bills or if you should share the financial burden.
Because each marriage is different, for some couples, sharing expenses may be ideal; some even split them 50/50; in others, one partner expects their spouse to handle everything.
Whether a partner should pay for everything isn't the question; a better question is, what is right for your relationship?
Impact of One Partner Paying For Everything
In some marriages, letting one partner pay for everything is what they want, and it works for them. In others, though, it can be the demise of the relationship.
Some negative consequences that may occur include:
One partner may get burnt out working so hard to ensure the household finances are secure
The partner who pays for everything can get resentful of their partner's lack of responsibility
It could cause fights within your marriage, especially if the partner who doesn't contribute has big spending habits
It can put a wedge in your relationship, making it feel one-sided and less like a 'team'
Ways To Deal With ‘I Pay For Everything in My Marriage'
So how do you deal with the feelings of 'I pay for everything in my marriage'? Here are some quick tips to help you through it.
1. Voice Your Feelings
Communication is the key to all relationships. This is true whether only one partner works and handles the checking account, paying for everything, including everyday expenses, or if you split it.
No one is a mind reader, even your spouse. If you have hard feelings about your partner not paying for anything, or you want your spouse to start pitching in, it's time to say something.
Here's the key.
You cannot point fingers at them, blaming them for not contributing to the household finances. It's also not a good idea to make them feel bad about spending money or any financial issues you may have.
Instead, have a calm conversation about how you feel without pointing fingers. Once your spouse knows how you feel, you can work together to problem-solve the issue so both partners feel happy about your financial future.
2. Share a Joint Budget
If you pay all the bills, you may also handle all the budgeting. Instead of taking the burden on yourself, share the task and make your partner responsible. Letting your partner see the budget may open up his/her eyes about what needs to change.
Even if you have a joint account and your spouse sees the balance, it may not register how much money the account leaves monthly to cover the bills.
Giving your spouse access to the budget can give you more to talk about regarding money and help your spouse determine how he/she can become more responsible and help with the bills.
3. Set Financial Goals Together
Financial goals are an important part of every relationship. This includes short and long-term goals. When you discuss your goals together, wanting to contribute financially to the marriage becomes more motivating.
Have regular dates where you talk about your money situation, budget, and financial goals. Measure your progress, celebrate your small wins, and make sure you are still on the same page financially.
4. Encourage Contribution
It can be hard to say, 'Hey, you need to get a job,' but sometimes it's necessary. If the joint bank account constantly hits a number much lower than you'd like, it's obvious that you need more money in your relationship.
Since there are only so many hours in a day, there's a limit to how much you can do. While you might feel like the 'caretaker' and feel responsible for handling the income and assets in the relationship, it's a good idea to share the burden so both partners contribute.
5. Prioritize Financial Education
Sometimes, spouses don't make informed decisions because they don't have the financial education needed to understand savings, debt, how a mortgage works, or why it's bad to draw the bank account down to zero every month.
Consider taking financial education courses or reading personal finance books together so both partners are on the same page. This may make a big difference in your goals to save money, have more money in your joint accounts, and have a happier, healthier life overall.
6. Celebrate Financial Wins
Measuring and tracking your progress is the key to keeping both partners engaged and motivated. Of course, hearing that your spouse is tired of covering all the household expenses isn't fun, but seeing the financial gains you make can be fulfilling.
Your financial wins don't have to be huge. It could be that you saved your goal amount one month or knocked your bills down by a few hundred dollars. Whatever the case, celebrate those small wins to keep you and your partner motivated to keep going.
7. Set Boundaries and Expectations
Whether you have a joint or separate accounts, you should set boundaries and expectations together.
This doesn't mean one person takes on a dictatorship role; that will only ruin the relationship. Instead, create a plan that allows you to spend money, but up to a limit before you must discuss it with your spouse, and vice versa.
If you need your spouse to contribute money, be specific about how much he/she should contribute to make it work.
Some partners want both husband and wife to contribute the same amount, and others are more flexible based on other life factors, such as who cares for the children.
8. Figure Out a Balance
It can feel like you're walking a tightrope when figuring out how to achieve financial independence without feeling like a dictator telling your spouse he/she must contribute.
The key is to find a balance that you are both comfortable with and able to manage. Finances are a big part of a marriage, but they're not the only factor.
You also want to achieve feelings of peace and harmony and be able to have fun with your better half.
9. Get Help From a Professional
It's okay to get help from a financial professional. The unbiased advice and experience a financial coach can bring to the table is sometimes the best thing for a marriage.
You can work with someone who understands relationships and money, providing you with the support your marriage may need to get back on the right path.
Success Stories of Couples Overcoming Similar Financial Challenges
At The Couples Financial Coach, I see many couples dealing with the same struggles. They don't know how to communicate in their marriage, so they carry on as-is, but it's detrimental to their relationship.
One couple I worked with, Mike and Mirna, were not on the same financial page, and it was destroying their marriage. Working with The Couples Financial Coach, they learned better communication skills, created a budget (that worked), and paid off $26,000 in debt.
After working with The Couples Financial Coach, they continued the practices they learned and are on the path to paying off $65,000 of debt and being mortgage-free while having a happy, healthy marriage.
Your Financial Dynamic Doesn’t Have To Stay Stagnant
Feeling like 'I pay for everything in my marriage' isn't bad. Once you realize how you feel, it opens up the possibility to fix your marriage and finances.
If you feel like you're in a similar boat, contact me for a free consultation and see how I can help you transform your marriage from a one-sided relationship with one person bearing the burden to one filled with peace, harmony, and decisions you make together.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
