I Feel Like A Financial Burden To My Husband* And Need Advice
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Do you struggle with the feeling of 'I feel like a financial burden to my husband'?
You aren't alone; millions of women feel this way, but each for their own reasons. Understanding why you feel like a burden and what you can do to fix it and mend your relationship is the key to a happy and healthy future.
Why Do I Feel Like a Financial Burden to My Husband?
If you fully depend on your husband financially, you may feel like a financial burden. It may not be because he said anything to you about it, but instead, it may stem from feelings you have yourself and make yourself believe he feels too.
You may even feel this way if you earn money, but not as much as your husband. If he carries a larger part of the household bills, you may feel like you aren't giving enough.
Everyone has different reasons for feeling like they don't keep up their end of the relationship, but those feelings aren't always validated.
The key is figuring out why you feel that way and understanding how to command the respect you deserve in a relationship, no matter how much money you make.
Is It Common To Feel This Way in a Relationship?
Financial imbalances in relationships can commonly make a partner feel like they are a burden. Most people don't realize that a relationship is made up of more than money.
There are emotional and physical aspects to relationships as well. All the pieces together are what create relationships for married couples.
However, feeling 'less than' in a relationship is common, but there are ways to work around it.
Getting on the same financial page, communicating with one another regularly, and enlisting the help of a professional when you think, 'I feel like a financial burden to my husband,' are important.
How Does Our Financial Situation Impact My Feelings of Being a Financial Burden
Your family finances greatly influence how you feel about being a financial burden.
For example, if you cannot work for health or emotional reasons, you may feel like a burden because you cannot contribute to the family finances.
You may feel like you must rely on your husband 100%, and when you ask for money for anything outside the regular bills, you may feel like a burden.
Even if you work, you may feel like a financial burden. This occurs when there is a financial imbalance between your salary and your husband's earnings.
For example, if your spouse makes 75% of the household income and you earn 25%, you may feel inadequate and like the financial responsibilities fall on your husband.
These feelings are not healthy and should be dealt with yourself or by working with a professional.
No matter how much money you bring into the relationship, you and your partner should agree on how each person can spend money without causing financial problems in the marriage. Even if the amounts are unequal, this may help alleviate some feelings of being a burden to your spouse.
What To Do When You Feel Like a Financial Burden to Your Spouse
Here are some simple steps you can take if you feel out of financial control and as if you are a burden to your spouse.
Successful relationships rely on working through feelings of inadequacy, setting financial goals, and being on the same page in all aspects of your marriage.
Self-Reflection
Many times, feelings of inadequacy are brought on yourself, not by the actions or words of another person. If you feel like a burden, sit with your feelings and try to understand where they come from by looking for examples of what made you feel that way.
Journaling is a great way to get your feelings out and discover your subconscious feelings. You may discover that you resent that your spouse has a better job than you or that your financial habits are detrimental to your family's financial goals.
Knowing why you feel the way you do is the first step to discussing them with your spouse and/or a professional to work through how you feel.
Open Communication
Open communication is the key to any relationship. If the feelings of being a financial burden were brought on by yourself, it's important to let your spouse know how you feel because he may not realize what you're dealing with and how it affects you emotionally.
If your spouse has made comments that make you feel like a burden, you should still openly communicate but must watch how you approach the topic.
Avoid coming at him with a pointed finger, blaming him for how he made you feel. Choose gentle words and take responsibility for how you feel instead of pointing blame at him, which could lead to a less constructive conversation.
Express Emotions Constructively
Before talking to your spouse, understand your own feelings and learn to express them constructively. Starting a conversation while you're wildly upset or irrational isn't the time to discuss the concerns.
Instead, wait until you have the confidence to talk to your husband about how you feel while feeling in control of your feelings.
Seek Mutual Understanding
Your spouse may not fully understand your feelings when you first bring up the topic. He may not have realized you felt anything but happiness in the marriage, so start the conversation slowly. The key is to work toward mutual understanding and to act like you are on the same team.
If your spouse acts surprised at your negative feelings in the relationship, give him time to absorb what you've said. He may also need time to determine how to respond to make you feel like you are not a source of stress in the marriage but an equal partner.
Assess Financial Dynamics
A wife often feels like a financial burden to her husband because she doesn't make as much as he does, or she stays home with the kids and cares for the home while the husband earns money.
Some women feel this way because they know nothing about the household's financial assets and assume she is a drag on any financial goals.
Many women don't realize the worth they provide to the relationship when handling the bigger issues in the marriage, including child-rearing and managing the household.
Rather than assuming you are the problem or that there are money problems, ask your husband to share the details of your household finances with you.
Being on the same page by understanding the monthly bills, available spending money, and amount of debt there is can alleviate some feelings of inadequacy in a marriage.
Collaborative Financial Planning
After learning about the money situation in your marriage, you can work on a financial plan together. Having some say or at least knowledge of the budget can alleviate feelings of inadequacy with your partner.
Setting a budget isn't a one-time deal, either. It's something you should do together regularly. I like to suggest that my clients have regular 'money dates' or times they set aside to talk about money and nothing else.
This ensures both partners' minds are in the right place because you know the point of the date and can focus on how to set financial goals, measure your progress on them, and make any necessary changes to your spending.
Build Financial Confidence
As you work together on the budget and reach your financial goals, proactively work on your financial confidence, no matter how much money you bring to the table. Your worth isn't measured by how much money you make.
Instead, focus on your relationship and what you want for your future. Discuss with your husband ways to make you feel more confident, whether that means getting a better-paying job (if you already work) or working through your feelings and realizing that money isn't what makes your husband love you.
Professional Guidance, if Needed
Dealing with feelings of inadequacy can be challenging. If you've dealt with the feelings for a long time or feel like you can't make your husband understand how you feel, consider financial coaching.
A professional financial coach can help you learn to communicate, get on the same page, and feel financial harmony in your marriage. You'll work on feelings, how you handle money, and ways to work together to create a sense of belonging in your marriage.
Open Communication Can Give You a Peace of Mind
If you think, 'I feel like a financial burden to my husband,' it's time to work on your feelings yourself and with your spouse. This isn't something to keep inside and ignore, as the feelings can fester and damage your own health along with your marriage.
But dealing with big feelings can be scary. Don't try to do it alone. Contact me today for your free consultation and see how I can help you and your husband deal with your big feelings of inadequacy, work through them, and get to a point of financial harmony.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
