Suspicious Behavior - My Husband* Hides His Finances From Me
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
My husband hides his finances from me.
Does this sound like you? You aren't alone. Millions of women are in the same position, and it can be tough!
Everyone deserves equal footing in their financial life, but secrecy and lies can make that difficult. The good news is that relationships and finances can be fixed when you bring back open and honest communication into the marriage.
Are Separate Finances a Bad Thing?
Not all couples combine financial accounts, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. After all, no two relationships are the same, nor is their financial approach.
However, separate finances can get tricky when financial secrets or hidden spending occurs. The key to having separate accounts is to have trust in your partner. A relationship is built on honesty and transparency.
Red Flags
So how can you tell if your husband is hiding money from you? Here are some red flags to consider.
Unknown Income Sources
It's often a red flag if your spouse doesn't receive regular paychecks or you aren't sure where all his money comes from. Not accounting for the money brought into the relationship could signify a spouse hiding money.
This may happen if your spouse works for a 'friend' or suddenly has side hustles that you can't keep track of and don't know where the money goes.
Collections Calling
If you suddenly receive collections calls but are sure that none of your joint accounts are behind, your spouse may have opened new accounts and didn't pay them. Finding out about the accounts might take some work, but it's often a red flag that your spouse is keeping money secrets.
Incomplete Tax Documentation
If your spouse fills out tax information incorrectly or fails to submit the required documentation, it's a sign of financial infidelity. Not filing your taxes properly jeopardizes your financial security as a married couple.
Some spouses knowingly choose not to disclose any tax issues and ask their spouse to sign off on them without going over the information. Others ignore the responsibility altogether.
No matter the issue, failing to file taxes correctly is never a good thing.
Refusal to Communicate
Spouses that are hiding cash sometimes refuse to talk about money altogether. They are too worried their financial secrets will come out, so they flat-out avoid discussing the financial situation even if issues need to be addressed.
Gaslighting
Some spouses make you feel like you are the one with financial irresponsibility and not the other way around. They have a way of talking to you that makes you question yourself and your motives, thinking you are the reason for the problems in your financial life.
Separate vs. Joint Finances
There isn't a right or wrong way to handle money and relationships. Each couple has different wants and needs, so deciding if you should have separate or joint accounts is a big decision.
Here are some pros and cons.
Pros and Cons of Separate
Having separate accounts can be good for some couples, but it can create certain hurdles if you aren't careful.
Pros
Allows each partner to maintain a level of independence
Each partner can take responsibility for specific debt
It may be easier to split the money in a divorce
Cons
It's difficult to access a spouse's account in an emergency
It makes stashing cash and hiding money easier
It can be harder to have and reach combined financial goals
Pros and Cons of Joint
Joint accounts work better for some couples, especially if financial dishonesty is a concern.
Pros
Both partners have more transparency on the family finances
It's easier to handle joint debts, including credit card debt
It can bring you and your spouse closer, encouraging collaboration and communication
Cons
Some partners may get combative when questioned about spending
Splitting money during divorce can be more complicated
There's little to no privacy
A Third Option - Hybrid
If you want to compromise between a joint and separate account, consider a hybrid or a 'meet you halfway' account.
You can have joint and separate accounts, giving both partners a sense of independence while also providing you some control over the household finances.
You and your partner can decide how best to handle the accounts, whether you keep a certain percentage of each other's paychecks in your separate accounts or work it out a different way. It may help avoid the need to have a secret bank account and lower the risk of a spouse hiding money.
Why Does My Spouse Hide Their Finances?
Not all reasons for hiding money are bad; sometimes spouses hide money for perfectly legit reasons. Others, however, may be cause for concern.
Surprise
Sometimes you want to do something nice without your spouse's knowledge. In a healthy relationship, this happens occasionally and is a short-term need. Hiding some of your own money to put a smile on your spouse's face is normal and isn't cause for alarm.
Infidelity
This one is two-fold. You have financial infidelity and infidelity.
Finanical infidelity is being dishonest or hiding money. Maybe you have joint and separate accounts and you noticed your spouse no longer contributing the same amount to the joint account, or being secretive about the money they withdraw and use from it. While this is not physical infidelity, the dishonesty and lack of trust can leave emotional scars.
A more well-known issue is infidelity/cheating. Some may fear that the secrecy behind their spouse's finances may be a sign that something more is going on.
Plans to Leave
Planning to leave a marriage, whether its due to discontent and arguments or fear for their safety, could be a reason for a spouse to hide money. If you aren't in a healthy relationship and need to get out, you'll need money, so sometimes spouses begin hiding money to plan their exit.
Financial Irresponsibility
Making financial mistakes can be embarrassing. If your husband's behavior suddenly changes, it could be due to feelings of shame. He knows he made financial mistakes but doesn't want to face it.
So instead, he might keep money secrets, ultimately making the situation worse. With each hidden decision comes more consequences.
Addiction
Addiction is a common reason for financial infidelity. Partners addicted to drugs, alcohol, or gambling need money to feed their addiction. As a result, they may begin stashing cash, taking cash out when making regular purchases, or finding other ways to access some money without telling you.
Distrust
Some spouses don't trust anyone but themselves, especially with the family finances. You might feel like 'my husband lies to me' because he doesn't share everything about your combined financial accounts, but it could be a control issue that needs to be discussed with a professional. This often stems from bad past financial experiences or an unusual upbringing with money.
Overcoming Secretive Behavior
If you notice signs of dishonesty or secrecy in a relationship, here are some ways to overcome it with your spouse.
Identify the Source
If you suspect infidelity in marriage, try to determine the source. Look for signs of addiction, overspending, collection calls, strange bank or credit card statements, or a sudden increase in credit card debt.
It can take time to find the source, so take your time and use good judgment. Don't immediately point fingers. Instead, gather your evidence.
Communication
Establish a regular routine for communicating with your partner to go over your finances as a team. This isn't a time to put one spouse on the spot. Instead, consider it a time to solve problems, set financial goals, and determine how to better your financial situation together.
Split Responsibilities
It's a good idea to give both partners financial responsibilities. This makes both feel like a part of the relationship and that they matter. In addition, having financial responsibilities may limit the risk of hiding money or financial irresponsibility.
Work With a Professional
There's no shame in needing help to get your marriage and finances back on track. If setting boundaries with a dishonest spouse, talking about money, or creating a financial plan seems too hard, let a financial counselor help you work through the issues in your marriage and finances together.
FAQs
Is It Illegal to Hide Money From Your Spouse?
There aren't any laws regarding hiding money from your spouse, but ethically, it's not good practice. In addition, if you file for divorce, you must disclose all finances, as keeping any money secrets could get you in trouble with the law.
Can My Husband Legally Withhold Money From Me?
If you're filing for divorce, your husband cannot withhold money from you. During marriage, however, there aren't any laws or regulations spouses must follow. If you wonder how to deal with a lying partner or regain control of your money, consider financial counseling.
My Husband Hides His Finances From Me - The Bottom Line
No one should have to accept financial dishonesty or secrecy in their marriage. Instead, both partners should have equal access to the finances and fully understand their financial situation. If you worry you aren't on the same page, or your husband is hiding money, it's time to seek help.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
