My Husband* Makes Me Ask for Money & Other Top Questions
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Many women struggle with money in their marriage. Whether you think, 'My husband makes me ask for money,' or you have other burning questions about money in marriage, this article is for you.
Learn what you should and shouldn't do in a marriage when it comes to asking for money to ensure both partners feel equal.
My Husband Makes Me Ask for Money
If you think, 'My husband makes me ask for money,' you aren't alone. Millions of women feel like you. It happens to women who stay home and even women who work. Every relationship is different, and no one can tell you how to live yours, but you shouldn't think, 'My husband doesn't give me money,' or ever have to go without, especially if you have the means.
Sometimes, it's not the husband requiring a wife to ask for money. Instead, it's the feelings a woman puts on herself. For example, if you're a stay-at-home mom, you might feel guilted into asking for money because you technically don't bring money into the household, even though you provide much more physical and emotional support for your family.
In some cases, your husband may be the type that likes complete control over the finances and doesn't want to have a joint account providing you with access to the money.
Whatever the case may be, it's important to have open communication and find ways to work through the issues in your relationship alone or with a financial counselor's help.
Here are a few steps to get you started.
Understanding the Dynamics
First, get to the root of the problem. Why does your husband make you ask for money? Is it feelings you put on yourself because you feel guilty that you don't bring in an income, or did one partner take control of the finances, and now you feel like you don't have your own money because you aren't in the loop?
Look at the big picture to begin diving deeper into the marriage and the problems occurring so you can determine how to move forward. You can't have a helpful conversation about financial strategy with your spouse until you uncover the real issues.
Identifying the Root Cause
After examining the dynamics of the situation, consider digging deeper into the root cause of the situation. For example, did your husband grow up with one parent handling the money? Many people repeat the habits they're used to, even if it's different from how they planned to handle money.
Does your spouse make more money than you? This situation can give some people a superiority complex, making them feel like only they should have control of the bank account and how anyone in the household spends money.
Your spouse may also be afraid of money or financial destruction. If you don't have a positive history with money or had financial problems before marriage, your spouse may worry that you will repeat those issues, as well.
None of these are excuses or reasons to have to ask your husband for money, but they help you understand where he is coming from and how you can move forward.
Knowing the root cause can help you determine if you need professional support or can handle it yourself. Some couples can work through the issues themselves, while others need a little support to get them through.
Strategies for Open Communication
Next, consider how you'll communicate. You must address the situation with your husband, but not in a way that makes him feel threatened or to blame. This isn't a time to point fingers. Instead, consider reminding him that you both want what is best for your family and that how the finances are currently handled in the house isn’t working to achieve those financial goals.
Plan how and when you'll talk to your husband so you can have your thoughts sorted and can clearly communicate. Don't have the conversation in front of any other family members. Make it a quiet conversation between you and your husband to determine the next steps, and set up opportunities for future discussions, since financial problems won't get resolved in one conversation.
Empowering Financial Independence
During your conversations with your spouse, be sure to talk about your financial goals. While it's great to be a team and even depend on one another, both partners must be independent enough to handle the unexpected. For example, what if something happened to either of you?
In your financial talks, discuss how you'll handle the financial future of both partners, meeting both shared financial goals and separate financial goals so both partners feel seen, heard, and taken care of in the relationship.
Building Mutual Respect and Trust
If you think, 'My husband makes me ask for money,' you might have lost some trust or respect for him. But he may have similar feelings, depending on the situation.
The key is to talk to one another and determine why this happened. There may be a narrative your partner believes that isn't true, or he may have worries you didn't know about until you had this discussion.
While it can feel frustrating and upsetting for you not to know the status of the monthly bills or the household budget, your partner may have deep-seated issues he hasn't brought to your attention yet; give them the space to do so.
Seeking Professional Help
If you can't talk to one another or aren't sure how to bring it up, consider seeking professional help from a financial coach. Having someone help you and your partner sort through the issues in your life and relationship may be the necessary icebreaker.
For example, you might find out in your sessions that during your husband's first marriage, his spouse ran up all their credit cards and sunk them into immeasurable debt, or you may discover that your husband has a fear of not having enough money because his parents used scare tactics about money throughout his childhood.
The key is having a professional present who can discuss financial and marriage matters to help you work through the issues and achieve peace and harmony in your marriage.
Want help from a professional financial counselor? Schedule a consultation today!
I’m Scared To Ask My Husband for Money
This is a common complaint I hear from clients, mostly those who stay at home. They often feel like they don't have the right to spend money because they don't make any, even if their spouse never said that to them.
Others fear asking for money because their spouse doesn't keep them in the loop on anything financial. They don't have access to bank accounts, household bills, or other information, so they naturally become uneasy or scared.
While no one can tell you how to live your relationship, a healthy marriage relies on two partners that trust one another and are open to discussion, problem-solving, and ensuring both partners feel empowered enough to spend money as they agree on in a household budget.
My Husband Doesn’t Give Me Money
Many women expect their husbands to give them money, but not all husbands understand this. If you let your partner control the finances, you should feel comfortable asking for money from him when you need it, whether or not you bring in an income.
If you provide for your family, such as taking care of the kids and house, spending money is essential to ensure proper care of everyone, again regardless of whether you work or not. If you stay at home, it's likely a decision you and your husband made together, and if not, it may be time to revisit the discussion to ensure both parties are on the same page.
How Much Money Should My Husband Give Me?
There isn't a certain amount of money a husband should provide his wife. It depends on many factors, including the money everyone brings into the household and the total bills due each month.
Together, you and your husband should have a budget that determines how much disposable income you have. You should also consider setting spending thresholds that allow each partner the freedom to spend without asking up to a certain limit.
Should a Husband Give His Wife Spending Money Even if She Works?
Even if you work, your husband may give you money if he is the one that handles the finances in the house. Some couples prefer it when one spouse handles the finances, and others like to have both partners involved. In either situation, both partners should have access to money.
If you don't feel comfortable handling the finances yourself, having your partner give you money may be beneficial, but it needs to be a mutual decision between both parties.
Conclusion
It's a common concern to think, 'My husband makes me ask for money,' and it's one you can address together to achieve a feeling of peace and harmony in the marriage. Asking for money isn't always bad but if just one partner controls the finances, it may be a problem you want to address in your marriage with the help of a financial coach.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
