How to Know if My Husband Uses Me Financially - 9 Telltale Signs
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Do you often think, 'My husband* uses me financially?' It's a terrible feeling, and not one you should have to go through in a marriage. The good news is that there's help to restore peace and harmony in your relationship.
However, to do this, you must determine if your relationship shows signs of financial abuse. Many women in distress don't recognize the signs or ignore them because they're afraid to face the truth.
Here's what you must know.
My Husband Uses Me Financially - Identify the Signs
If you think, "My husband uses me financially," you might wonder if you're in a toxic relationship and/or if things can be worked out.
There's a fine line between controlling behaviors vs. financial abuse. Someone who likes control may criticize your spending or demand control over the financial accounts, but they don't "abuse" you in the physical or typical sense.
Financial abuse can cause significant issues and harm to the person experiencing it, so it's important to understand the signs of an abusive relationship.
1. Controls How You Spend Your Money
Your husband may stop you from spending money, even money you've earned or saved yourself. A husband who financially abuses you may also take your money and use it for his own reasons without permission. He may take complete control of the family finances, leaving you in the dark.
2. Controls Shared Resources
Joint accounts are meant to give both parties equal access to the account. However, a husband may take total control of the joint account in a controlling relationship. Even if you contribute money to it, you may never see it because your husband has taken charge.
3. Gets Involved in Your Work Life
If you work but are in a manipulative relationship, your husband may not like that you work or spend time outside of the home. He may show this by getting involved in your work life, calling you at work, or inquiring about your job when it's none of his business. Your husband may think he should be the sole provider and do whatever he can to get you to stop working.
4. Expects You to Always Foot the Bill
If your husband likes to go out but expects you to cover the bill, it's a sign of financial abuse. He's using you for your money because he knows you'll pay it, especially if you've created a pattern of going out and footing the bill in the past. He may even make you feel guilty if you refuse to pay, turning him into a financial bully.
5. Avoids Discussing Finances
A controlling husband may not discuss finances with you. If he does, he'll likely gloss over it and not highlight the important stuff. He won't include you in important financial decisions or alert you of any financial matters that need your attention.
6. Doesn't Have Savings of His Own
If your husband loves spending but doesn't have his own savings, it's a sign of financial irresponsibility. If he has no problem spending your money and has nothing to fall back on should you have an emergency, then that's a financially irresponsible way to live, and you two may require professional support.
7. Withholds Affection
Financially abusive husbands often only show affection when they get what they want. This is one of the signs of narcissistic abuse. He knows you'll do what he says regarding money and financial responsibilities, because that's the only way you’ll get his affection. This is where emotionally abusive relationships and financially abusive relationship signs overlap.
8. Withholds His Own Money
In controlling relationships, the husband often withholds his own money. He may keep it stashed in a separate account or just not share the information with you. Instead, he expects you to cover the household expenses and bills while he does whatever he wants with his money.
9. Gaslights You
A husband that wants financial control will often gaslight you, making you feel guilty for even asking him to help cover all the financial responsibilities. Gaslighting in a relationship looks like putting you down or making you feel bad for asking for more money or asking questions about the bank accounts.
Why Is My Husband Using Me Financially?
The reasons your husband uses you financially may not be his fault, at least not consciously. It could be how he was brought up, or he may not have empathy and thus feels entitled to everything.
For example, if your husband grew up in a house where no one could spend money and talking about money was off-limits, he may have carried that into adulthood. He may want to ensure he can always spend money and is the only one able to handle the joint bank accounts.
Effects of Being Used Financially
Financial abuse looks and feels different for everyone, but here are the common effects:
You feel scared - If you're always on edge, wondering when your spouse will get mad again, you may live be living in fear. You may also be afraid that your husband will not pay bills or help you both reach your financial goals.
You may feel a loss of control - You may feel like your husband watches your every move, so you can't do anything. Losing your independence can feel demeaning and is a sign of emotional abuse.
You may lose your self-esteem - One of the signs of abuse is a loss of self-esteem. If you're abused financially, you may feel like you aren't worth anything and even give up on other things.
Getting Help With Financial Abuse in Marriage
If you think, "my husband uses me financially," it's time to get help. Financial abuse is nothing to ignore and can be as bad as physical abuse.
Here are some simple ways to get help if you show signs of a toxic relationship.
Work With a Couples Financial Coach
A couple's financial coach can help both partners get on the same page financially. A coach can uncover the money stories both partners bring to the table and help you create a financial plan. A financial coach can offer financial and relationship advice to help you through the financial abuse and come out on the other side.
Protect Your Personal and Financial Information
Protect your information if you're worried about your partner stealing your financial information, opening accounts in your name, or using your credit cards. Open a safety deposit box at a bank, and keep the important documents where your husband cannot access them.
Monitor Your Credit
If your husband has your Social Security number, he can open credit cards and other financial accounts in your name, although this is illegal and considered financial abuse. To determine if this is happening, pull your credit weekly to ensure nothing you don't recognize shows up.
Seek Support From Friends and Family
It can be challenging to admit to friends and family that you are in a toxic relationship or that your husband is taking advantage of you. But you might be surprised at how much the support can help you regain your confidence and take care of the financial situation your husband created. Consider other ways to get trusted support, like a therapist or coach, which can spare your spouse’s relationship with your friends and family if you two decide to stay together.
FAQs
Do I Have to Give My Husband Money?
There aren't any rules or laws you must follow regarding giving your husband money. Many couples share finances with a joint bank account or by other means. But there's nothing stating you must do that if you aren't comfortable or if you're having financial problems.
Is It Normal for My Husband to Be Mad That I Spend Money?
It isn't normal for a husband to be mad that you spend money, especially if it's money that you budgeted. This is also true if you have your own savings and use it for the purchase. You and your husband should be on the same page financially, allowing one another equal access to the joint bank accounts and respecting each other’s choices with your separate funds.
Will It Get Better by Talking?
Communication is key in all aspects of marriage, especially financial issues. Try talking to your husband about how you are feeling and how you don't like his controlling behaviors. But if he can't handle the conversation or ignores you, consider getting a neutral third party involved.
Who Should Be in Charge of the Finances in a Marriage?
There isn't a right or wrong person to be in charge of the finances. Ideally, you should have equal decision making power and access to information, even if one person does more of the day-to-day execution. Whatever you choose, be sure to properly communicate about your financial assets and any financial issues you face.
My Husband Uses Me Financially - The Bottom Line
It's important to understand the signs of a toxic relationship, whether it's emotional abuse, financial abuse, or both. If you think my husband uses me financially, consider getting professional help. A neutral third party can help both partners see what's happening in the relationship and how they can fix it.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
