Is My Girlfriend* Using Me Financially - How to Avoid Being Used
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Is my girlfriend using me financially?
Has this thought crossed your mind? You aren't alone. Many relationships feel like a one-way street, where a girlfriend* uses her boyfriend for money. You aren't a bank but a human with feelings and needs.
If you're thinking, 'Why do I pay for everything in the relationship?' here are some red flags.
*Note: Anything said here can relate to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Is My Girlfriend Using Me Financially - 7 Red Flags
You might be in love, but that doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. If your girlfriend only worries about money, or you have a sinking feeling that you're being taken advantage of, consider learning the signs that you're being used in a relationship.
She Is Controlling Your Spending
Do you feel like your girlfriend only has deep conversations about spending money, expensive gifts, and how to one-up people in your social circle?
Consider the last time you made a financial decision for yourself - or how often your girlfriend has gotten upset with you because you were taking responsibility for your money and dared to save or pay off a debt.
If she thinks all your money should be focused on her, she might be using you financially.
Feels Entitled to Your Money
Some girlfriends feel they have a right to their boyfriend's money, but that's not the case. You can choose to spend money on her, of course, but that doesn't mean you must or that you're not meeting her emotional needs.
It is most likely a one-sided relationship if your girlfriend feels entitled to your money. If you feel like 'I do everything for my girlfriend and get nothing in return,' chances are she is taking advantage of you.
Lack of Emotional Closeness
You might be in a relationship because you think you're in love, but your girlfriend may have different motivations. If the emotional intimacy seems off, it's time to ask yourself, 'Is she using me?'
If she is financially irresponsible and knows you are great at financial planning, saving, and making good money, she may not have any problems using you for money. She'll be close to you when she needs something, usually money, but when she gets what she wants, she puts you at arm's length again. If that’s happening, watch out.
You're Responsible for All Bills
Think about the last time your girlfriend offered to split the bill or pay for your night out. If you can't recall the last time she offered to pay, or if she flat-out refuses, it indicates that she's in it for the money.
Another red flag is if you find yourself forgoing your financial goals to keep her happy. If you're worried that she'll be mad or won't talk to you because you ask her to pay for a dinner out or to split the vacation bill, you may be getting taken advantage of.
She's Always Asking You for Financial Assistance
A telltale sign that your girlfriend isn't financially responsible and likely doesn't value your relationship beyond money is if she asks you for more money every month.
If your girlfriend can't meet her monthly expenses repeatedly and isn't making an effort to change her situation, and is instead using emotional blackmail to get what she needs from you, she may have ulterior motives.
You Suspect You're Being Manipulated
Some people are great at manipulation. They force you to feel guilty for not 'taking care of them' when it's not your responsibility to pay their bills or buy them lavish gifts. If you find this happening, your girlfriend may be trying to manipulate you.
It's Her Way or the Highway
Relationships should be a two-way street. Both partners should have a say in the relationship and should discuss the best way to split bills or expenses. Sure, one partner can surprise the other, but it shouldn't feel wrong to ask to split a bill or stick to a budget.
If your girlfriend threatens to break up with you or it feels like your mental health is suffering, it may be a sign the relationship won't last.
She Requires High-Priced Gifts
Some guys or girls are simply high maintenance. They like nice things and may demand them from their partner. If your girlfriend isn't happy with your gifts from the heart, regardless of the price, it's a sign that your girlfriend values money more than your relationship.
Your Needs Aren’t Important
You might feel like your girlfriend is only concerned with her needs; that's not good for your self-esteem. Gaslighting you and making you feel like your needs take a back seat is never a good sign.
If she ignores attempts to communicate about your needs, it's a clear indicator that she's in the relationship only for herself.
Why Is My Girlfriend Using Me Financially?
You might wonder why some people might take advantage of others, especially a girlfriend or partner. Money isn't everything, and you have so much to give, so why are you spending your whole life trying to make someone happy who is using you?
Why might she be doing this?
She wants control
She can't control her finances, so she wants someone else to take care of her
She wants to keep up with her social circles, keeping up appearances like she is 'better than everyone’ or at least on their level.
How to Avoid Being Taken Advantage Of
If you feel like you're being used in a relationship, it's time to learn how to stop being taken advantage of, no matter how hard it feels to change things. Things might have been great in the beginning, but if you're feeling taken advantage of now, it's time to change.
Set Boundaries
You aren't responsible for all your dates, providing gifts, or helping with her finances. You can set boundaries as soon as you see unhealthy signs. Talk seriously with her about how you feel. Don't be swayed if she gives you a hard time or threatens to break up.
Refuse to Be Gaslit or Guilted
Don't accept blame for things you aren't responsible for. Stand up for yourself, and ensure the truth is told. If you sit back and let her blame you for everything, making you feel bad for things you didn't do, you can quickly lose your sense of self.
Consider what you would tell close friends if they were in a similar situation. You'd likely tell them not to compromise their self-respect. You might also point out the signs a relationship will not last. It's time to do yourself the same favor.
That said, be mindful of how your perception may differ from your partner’s reality, and be willing to considering any role your actions have played in creating the current situation or dynamic.
Communicate Clearly
You don't have to be mean or point fingers when setting boundaries, but you should communicate clearly. Tell your girlfriend you are interested in making the relationship work, but you are not okay with being taken advantage of and need to set new boundaries. Articulate what these boundaries are and your reasoning for them. Give her insight into how you're feeling to ensure you both are on the same page.
Don't Blame Yourself
Don't blame yourself. You aren't at fault even if you spend more money than planned or want to spoil your significant other.
If you think your girlfriend is taking advantage of you, instead of blaming yourself, evaluate your next steps. Consider setting a spending budget for yourself and also talking with your partner about how things will change.
Protect Yourself
Are you seeing red flags? Take these simple steps to protect yourself:
Protect your personal information - Don't share your IDs, passwords, or important financial information with your partner. Keep everything separate and private to avoid any unnecessary risks.
Review your credit report - If you worry that your girlfriend is abusing your credit cards or opened one up in your name, check your credit reports weekly to ensure nothing suspicious pops up.
Prepare for the future - Some relationships are meant to last forever. However, you are responsible for supporting yourself now and in the future. Make saving a priority to finance the type of future you see for yourself or in case you fall on hard times.
Get support - Confide in trusted friends, a therapist, a coach, or anyone else who can listen and reflect back to you what they’re hearing. It's hard to identify if someone is using you for your money, but people close to you may see things more clearly.
Seek Couples Financial Counseling
Everything I discussed above comes down to two things - trust and honesty. If you suspect your girlfriend isn't being honest about her intentions and motivations, how can you trust her?
Relationships are built on trust.
If the relationship is something you treasure, it's important to learn how to address your concerns. Seeking couples' financial counseling to discuss your situation in a healthy way can help you and your girlfriend work through any issues and create a foundation of mutual trust and respect.
Effects of Financially Being Used in a Relationship
Some people may think, 'It's just money,' and 'What's the big deal?' At the end of the day, it goes beyond spending money — no one wants to be mislead or lied to. If you're being financially used, you might:
Lose your sense of self-worth
Develop trust issues
Go into debt
Be unable to afford your current lifestyle
Be unable to save for the future
FAQs
Should a Man Help His Girlfriend Financially?
There's nothing saying that a man can't help his girlfriend financially, but there's no requirement stating you must. The only exception is if you and your partner have joint debt. If you are a cosigner on a loan or other bill, you are responsible if your girlfriend doesn't pay.
How Can I Identify Financial Abuse in My Relationship?
If things don't feel right in your relationship, you feel used for money, or you are expected to buy expensive gifts or make extravagant gestures, it could be a sign of financial abuse.
How Do I Leave if My Girlfriend Is Financially Dependent on Me?
Get help if you want to leave your girlfriend who is financially dependent on you. Be sure you give her plenty of warning that you plan to leave the relationship, and be honest about the reasons. If you worry about your safety, have enough money set aside somewhere secure that she cannot access so you can comfortably leave.
Should a Guy Always Pay in a Relationship?
It is quickly becoming an old-fashioned idea that a man should be responsible for all financial responsibilities in a heterosexual relationship. Anything you do together in the relationship should be within both of your means, and either person can pay. Imbalanced responsibilities in a relationship can make partners resentful, so deciding what works best for your relationship is key.
Is My Girlfriend Using Me Financially - The Bottom Line
Don't let anyone use you for money. If you ask yourself, 'Is my girlfriend using me financially,' it may be time to rethink the relationship or, at the very least, get some professional support. Watch out for the signs, and avoid becoming stuck in a financially abusive relationship.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
