My Husband Values Money More Than Me, and I Need Advice
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Do you and your husband have conflicts about money? If so, you're not alone.
Many couples experience stress due to money, and approximately 35% say that it's the primary cause of friction in their relationship.
While focusing on finances is good, paying too much attention to money can cause problems when time and energy are spent arguing, resenting each other, and the like.
Say this to yourself: "My husband values money more than he values me."
If that resonates, if you feel that way — and be honest — then you likely feel frustrated, angry, and confused, and your relationship will probably suffer as a result.
Fortunately, several easy and effective strategies are available for overcoming these money problems and the marital issues they can cause, ultimately helping you both feel comfortable and valued. Let's take a look!
Signs Your Husband Values Money More Than You
If you think, "All my husband cares about is money," you may notice some or all of these signs:
Doesn't Show Appreciation
Does your husband only focus on money or your money problems?
If he avoids any emotional connection or you feel like he doesn't value you because you don't work, it could be a sign that he values money more than you.
Some husbands only focus on money because they think it's all that's important in a relationship. If you don't earn money, he may not prioritize your feelings because all he can think about is ways to get more money.
Ignores You
If you feel ignored, it could be because your spouse focuses on money. Instead of focusing on your relationship or growing your marriage, he may hyper-focus on the household finances.
You may feel like you could stand on your head or do a seductive dance around your husband, and yet he wouldn't notice.
This could be a sign that your husband focuses on your family's financial security and money goals and doesn't have the energy to pay attention to what you need or desire.
Avoids Spending Time with You
Some husbands are so focused on their financial goals or keeping their family's heads above water that they can't put energy elsewhere.
If your husband grew up in a family with financial issues, he may do whatever it takes to avoid money problems in his marriage. It may feel like he prioritizes money more than you, but what he's really doing is spreading himself thin, hoping he can keep the family finances in order.
He may also have trouble wanting to spend time with you if he gets angry about your spending habits or if he doesn't think you share common goals regarding handling the finances.
Doesn't Share Financial Responsibilities
If your husband holds the financial accounts in his name only or doesn't allow you access to them, it could be borderline financial infidelity. Your husband may think only he can handle the finances or that you don't have the right to handle them if you don't work.
A trusting relationship requires that both partners have an equal say in the financial goals, how they spend money, and how to ensure both partners' feelings are validated.
Even if you don't want to handle the finances, it's important to have access to the accounts and be on the same page as your spouse.
Why Do Some People Value Money More Than They Value Relationships?
The first step in addressing the issue is identifying why your husband places an overemphasis on money. Ideally you'll discover this together.
Keep in mind that often these situations are more complex than they appear, and in many cases the answer is more psychological than functional.
For example, while a lack of income is a significant issue for many couples, most of the conflict around money in relationships is due to non-financial emotional challenges leading to poor financial behaviors, such as:
Impulse control issues, i.e., leading to impulsive spending
An obsession with social image
An unhealthy focus on owning material possessions
Addictive behavior (drugs, gambling, shopping)
Controlling behavior toward a spouse/family
It's important to recognize when an obsession with money has a deeper cause beyond just the number of zeros in the bank account.
Plus, many people see money as the foundation of a happy life and a strong relationship.
Not only is it needed for minor expenses such as dates and gifts, but it's also necessary for buying a house and other major purchases. Especially if they've experienced past financial hardship, they may become intensely focused on avoiding a return to that place.
Someone holding these beliefs may be afraid that if they run out of money, then the relationship will end.
Even though they act like they're ignoring the relationship in favor of money, the opposite could be true. They could be so focused on fears of the relationship ending that they cling to over-focus on money out of anxiety and desperation.
How Can Overemphasis on Finances Harm a Marriage?
While finances will always have some effect on a marriage, an overemphasis on money ultimately creates additional problems. Some of the ways a money obsession can harm a marriage include the following:
Stress: Fighting about money (or constantly avoiding it) takes both a physical and mental toll on each individual.
Resentment: If your husband's over-focus on money is an ongoing issue, you might feel resentful that he doesn't seem willing to change or that he puts more time and energy toward money (and criticizing your decisions) than he does on you and your relationship.
Lack of Opportunities: Focusing on financial issues can result in a spiral of negative thoughts and insecurities that lead to problems in other areas of your relationship and life.
Especially since we earn and spend money all the time, money issues can start to feel pervasive, as if they're consuming all the oxygen in the relationship.
How to Help a Relationship With a Money-Obsessed Spouse
Several solutions are available to solve most money and love relationship issues.
Share Your Perspectives on Money and Marriage
First, you'll need to make your spouse understand your concerns. Explain your feelings to them in a calm, straightforward way.
Focus on how you feel instead of their behavior, sometimes called an "I" Message. For instance, instead of saying, "You need to stop hiding purchases from me," use language such as, "When I don't know how much money we have in the checking account, I don't feel secure."
A related, powerful icebreaker is to acknowledge your part in letting the dynamics get to their current point.
For example, perhaps you at some point stopped pushing to have money conversations, and that contributed to a growing resentment that you eventually took out on your husband or wife in one way or another.
If you lead by acknowledging this, your spouse or partner may end up far more open to a money conversation than you anticipated.
Discuss Values and Priorities
Maintaining healthy financial attitudes in a relationship depends on how well the two of you share values and priorities.
Values: Your values are your beliefs about money.
For example, what importance do you place on saving a certain chunk of your paycheck, i.e., 10%? How much debt are you comfortable having?
You and your spouse need a shared philosophy towards money — or at least an understanding of each other's ideas. With a solid understanding, then you can act in ways that do the best for both for you.
Priorities: Your priorities are what you consider important financially.
For instance, how do you weigh the pros and cons of buying versus renting a place to live? How often do you feel it's necessary to buy or lease a new car, and why do you feel that way? Is too much money going to savings vs investments?
Ranking major expenses in order of importance helps you and your spouse focus on shared goals, which makes the process smoother and more fun.
Listen to * Their * Perspective About Their Relationship to Money
Ask your spouse to share their perspective about your ongoing issues with the finances in marriage.
Which of your concerns do they think are reasonable and warranted, and which do they think are exaggerated and unwarranted? What do they see as the obstacles to financial prosperity, and how willing are they/how easy do they find it to work on their part of things?
Even if you don't particularly like what they have to say about marriage finances, it's important to understand where they're coming from. Remember that you can listen, understand, and even validate their point of view whether or not you agree with their conclusions.
Plus, the more you understand about their perspective, the easier it will be to figure out how to communicate your concerns in a way that will reach them.
Investigate Ways to Make Your Partner Feel More Financially Secure
Many marriage and money-related issues ultimately stem from one or both partner's feelings of financial insecurity. Try to establish ways to put both of you at ease. For example:
Create a rule that you and your spouse must discuss all major purchases over a certain dollar amount
Make sure that both of you can view joint bank account balances so that you both always know how much money you have
Designate a time each month where the two of you can review the family finances together
As I tell couples, there's not a "one size fits all" solution here, so don't be afraid to switch tactics if something doesn't seem to fit. The key is to start trying and keep going!
Set Goals for Change
Follow up your communication with action, and set clear goals with definitive timelines. I recommend writing the goals down on a wall calendar or dry-erase board for easy viewing. Examples of goals related to marriage and finances include:
Start an emergency fund with at least $200 by the end of the month
Eat out only two times in the next month in order to save money
Pay an extra $100 towards the credit card bill this week
Schedule an appointment with a Financial Coach this month
Creating new financial habits can be a challenge, and it's okay to start small. Just make sure that your goals are as specific as possible so that you can track your progress and know when you've achieved them!
If My Husband Values Money More Than He Values Me, What Should I Do?
Just as financial behaviors and attitudes take a while to form, they also don't disappear overnight.
First, you and your husband must open up to each other, acknowledge the issues (including why he values money so much, or at least acts like it), and commit to improvement.
Then, from a spirit of cooperation, you two can develop a plan for meaningful change that includes actionable steps such as creating a joint budget and changing financial habits.
After you and your husband have opened up to each other and you've determined why he values money so much (or at least acts like it), then the two of you can develop a financial plan for meaningful change.
While specifics will vary based on your circumstances, there are a couple of strategies that work for practically every couple:
Create a Family Spending Plan
I prefer the terms "family spending plan" or "financial prosperity plan" to the word "budget," but they're essentially the same thing. You want a clear, detailed look at all the money entering and exiting your household each month.
Aim for Compromise
No two people are 100% financially compatible, so in the spirit of compromise, approach financial issues with the idea that you won't get absolutely everything you want.
Instead, focus on the biggest issues first, and you can make other improvements, tweaks, and optimizations over time to get on the same page.
A New Path Forward Is Possible in Your Marital and Financial Relationship
You can't repair a marriage or hurt feelings overnight, but learning to acknowledge your feelings and communicate them with your spouse is important. Finding a middle ground that makes both partners feel appreciated and understood is the key to a happy and healthy marriage.
No matter your financial situation, it's important to learn to compromise and, when necessary, get professional help.
I help clients learn how to talk to one another about money and find common ground to reconnect, even when it feels like everything is lost. Contact me today to see how I can help you achieve peace and harmony in your marriage.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
