The Best Ways to Talk About Money Before Marriage
Money in relationships can feel stressful. No matter how much you love someone, it can make for a problematic marriage if you don't have the same money goals.
Knowing the ways to talk about money before marriage keeps the conversations going and keeps your relationship on good terms.
The Money Talk: Is Money Important?
You need money to pay for everything in your life, so it's essential. Although it's an awkward conversation, and both parties may come to the marriage with different money beliefs and experiences, talking about money is one of the most important things you and your fiancé can do for a relationship.
Relationship and Money: Importance of Money Talks Before Marriage
Money will always be there, in the middle of your relationship like the elephant in the room, unless together you make it normal to talk about financial goals, successes, and failures.
Having money conversations before you marry makes it much easier to have them when you're married. It is essential to know what to talk about, when to talk about it, and when to seek help for relationships and money.
Things to Talk About in a Relationship
Knowing what you should talk about in your money conversations is essential. Each couple will have a different money talk depending on their situation. For example, some couples are on the same page with financial planning and goals and don't have many money issues. Others have different views about money and disagree about financial responsibilities and goals.
Here's what to consider when having the money conversation.
Financial Priorities, Values, and Goals
Each partner may come to the relationship with different financial goals or priorities. For example, you may hold retirement planning as a top priority, whereas your fiancé focuses more on satisfying financial needs today.
When you talk money, consider making a list of your financial goals and prioritizing them. Each person should make a separate list, and then you two can compare them to one another. You may find some of your plans align, and others are entirely different.
In your money talk, make sure you discuss short-term and long-term goals. Examples include buying a house, having children, long-term savings, and retirement accounts. If your goals don't align, this is the time to compromise and meet each other halfway to ensure both people feel secure in the relationship about money.
You might have to change some of your habits or goals, as might your fiancé. The goal is to have a couple's budget while providing each partner with some flexibility or freedom, as desired.
Debt and Financial Background
Talking about money is uncomfortable, but talking about debt and financial backgrounds can be even more challenging; however, debt and financial backgrounds are the most important things to discuss in a relationship.
Finding out after getting married that your spouse has thousands of dollars in debt or a history of filing bankruptcy can hurt your trust and ruin a marriage.
This isn't a time to judge one another; instead, it's a time to be honest, talk about how much debt you have and even your spending habits. If either of you struggled with financial security before, it doesn't mean you can't create a plan together to make things better. Be honest about your past — and even if it wasn’t pretty, you can still commit to a better future.
Ignoring these critical topics can lead to a money imbalance in relationships. The partner without the debt can feel angry or frustrated at the partner with a lot of debt, which can lead to tension about money, or even fights or withholding money.
If one partner has a history of making bad financial decisions, you might consider separate bank accounts, at least to start, so that you don't fight about each other's money and spending. You can take small steps toward more shared finances, if that’s what you prefer, as the trust goes. Either way, however, it's important to have a plan for all financial obligations like the mortgage, car loans, utilities, food, etc.
Habits: Spending vs. Saving
Together, you and your fiancé should discuss spending and savings habits. But again, this isn't a time to judge. Be honest with one another about your relationship with money this far. Whether good or bad, just be honest.
If one partner loves to save, and the other loves to spend, you should find a middle ground. In your money talk, discuss ways to budget so that both partners feel honored. Then, create a budget that ultimately does consider both partners' wishes.
Every budget should include room to save money, but some people feel better having more flexibility to spend as they wish. Talk about money values and what each partner needs to feel heard and independent.
This doesn't mean you have to give one partner free rein to spend as much as they want or to get into credit card debt, but it should be included in your money talk to get on the same page and support one another's wishes. This could be as simple as setting aside some money within your budget each month to spend on anything you or your partner would like, no questions asked.
Managing Finances as a Couple
As you learn ways to discuss finances as a couple, include a discussion on how you'll handle financial obligations. For example, who will pay the bills? Will you split them evenly, or will one partner be responsible for a larger portion?
The answer may also relate to how you decide to handle your bank accounts. When discussing money, talk about whether joint, separate, or a mix of account would best support your financial goals, and decide on which you'll have.
Consider these questions:
If you have a joint bank account, who will be responsible for overseeing it and paying the bills?
If you have separate accounts, how will you split the bills, who is responsible for making sure they get paid on time, and what will happen if one person doesn't meet their obligations?
Career and Retirement Plans
One last topic to include in your money talk is about careers and long-term plans, such as career, kids, and retirement.
If you both work now, will that continue? Talk about your future plans. If you plan on having kids, will you cut down to one income? This is one of the most important things to discuss in a relationship. Even if it seems early, you both know what you want or don't want, at least as of this moment, and must talk about it.
Do you have the same values when discussing money? For example, are you both okay with going down to one income, or does one partner prefer to send the child to daycare so that both partners can continue working? Consider factors like health insurance, student loan debt, and covering the bills.
Don't forget to talk about retirement, too. If either of you has thought about your financial future, discuss it. For instance, if one partner envisions reaching financial independence at a young age, you'll have to discuss how to commit more money to savings than you would if going the traditional retirement route.
8 Ways to Talk About Money Before Marriage
Now that you know why money is important and why you must talk money before getting married, here are eight ways to have critical money conversations.
1. Share Your Money Story
Whether it’s good or bad, share it. Everyone has a money story, and you shouldn't hide any details from your partner. Talking about your history with money, including how you grew up, will give your partner insight into how you feel and why you make your financial decisions.
If your family didn't manage money well or you grew up poor, you might have extreme habits of saving every little thing or overspending to compensate for what you didn't have. These stories will help your partner understand your habits and what you say in your money discussions.
2. Listen Attentively to Your Partner's Money Story
It's also important to listen to your partner's money story. It will help you understand your partner and why they makes their decisions. For example, if your future spouse has tremendous credit card debt, it might frustrate you, but once you hear his money story, it might make more sense.
Listening to one another's money story is one of the best things you can do for your relationship and your finances.
3. Be Open and Honest
Lying is one of the worst ways to handle anything in marriage, especially money. But unfortunately, financial infidelity is a real thing, and it's a top reason for divorce.
Before you get married, make a promise to one another to be open and honest, no matter how bad it is. For example, if you have bad credit scores, don't hide that from your partner. They will find out at some point, so be honest upfront.
The same is true of any financial successes you've had. Don't be embarrassed or modest. Instead, share them with your partner so they can see how you handle money and that you're capable of making sound financial decisions.
4. Avoid Judgement
Money is important, but that doesn't mean you should judge one another. Everyone makes mistakes. If your partner's personal financial situation isn't the best, it's okay. The key is that he is open and honest with you about it, so that together you can create a plan to make things right and keep them on track.
Money matters are important, but so is your relationship. Be courteous of one another and discuss what you can do as a team to reach your financial goals.
5. Find Common Ground
If at first you feel at odds with your partner when talking about money, take a step back and try to find common ground where you both feel at ease. When you find somewhere to connect, you can climb the mountain to financial success together. Here’s an insider trick: you both want to live your best lives. Start from there and get more specific so that you can both see where you have shared ideals but also where things start to diverge.
Financial intimacy may not happen overnight, and there might be disagreements along the way. Still, if you always have that common ground to fall back on, you'll find that your financial relationship is much less stressful than you anticipated.
6. Schedule Regular Meetings
Just like you schedule regular date nights to keep your marriage alive, you should set a regular money date to have money conversations. This is a time each of you set aside to talk money and nothing else.
Set your dates to once a month or more frequently if needed. The key is consistency so that both partners feel in the loop.
7. Document Your Plans
Talk is cheap. When you create a financial plan together, document it. Write down your short-term and long-term goals and the steps you'll take to get there.
Nothing is set in stone. You can constantly adjust and probably should as life changes. But for now, create a plan that documents how you'll save for an emergency fund, a down payment for a house, and paying off credit card debt and student debt.
Your plan should also include important things for both of you together and separately. Honor one another's financial goals and priorities, making room for both short-term and long-term goals — including fun goals! — in your budget.
8. Seek the Help of a Financial Advisor
If you're having trouble creating a financial plan together, consider securing the help of a financial advisor. There are financial professionals for every need and budget, including financial counselors who work with couples, focusing on your finances and your relationship.
Talking Money in Relationships FAQ
How Much Money Should You Have Saved Before Marriage?
Ideally, each partner would come to the marriage with a healthy savings account, but after paying the wedding expenses, you might feel wiped out financially. Conventional wisdom is to save enough to cover 3-6 months worth of expenses, but some people feel more comfortable with even up to one year’s salary. Talk it over, and decide what would give you both comfort and peace of mind.
Am I Responsible for My Partner's Pre-Marriage Debt?
Typically, any debt your partner had before you married belongs to that person only, and it shouldn’t affect your credit reports. If you were to divorce, you would not be responsible for their debt.
When Should You Discuss Salary in a Relationship?
It's challenging to decide when to talk money, especially salaries, so use your own judgment. Some like to talk about it right away, and others way until they know the relationship has a future. No matter what you decide, make sure to have the money conversation before you move in together or get engaged.
In Marriage, Who Should Be in Charge of the Finances?
There's no right or wrong way to handle your finances together. Some couples share the responsibility of managing finances, and others put one person in charge. It depends on what your family is comfortable with, but keeping both parties on the same page and involved in the big-picture decision-making is vital.
Talking Money: The Bottom Line
Don't be afraid to talk money with your partner. Before you get married is the best time to do it so that you go into things knowing that you're both on the same page. If you aren't, it's okay — it might take some work to get there. Whether you're thinking about separate or joint accounts, one person handling the finances or both, or even just discussing your financial goals, the key is for both of you to talk about the issues early and often.
Your money story, financial goals, and overall life will change as life throws you curveballs. If you’re open with one another, then you can be more prepared for what you should expect, better understand how to handle it, and move forward as a team and a family. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
