What To Do When You Make More Money Than Your Husband*?
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Today's article focuses on women, wives, and anyone out there partnered with a man!
What To Do When You Make More Money Than Your Husband*?
ARE YOU THE MAIN BREADWINNER? HERE'S HOW TO HANDLE THIS DYNAMIC IN A HEALTHY WAY.
Step One
You may have noticed some discomfort either from yourself or your husband*. If you don't deal with it, it's just going to stay there.
*Note: I use husband, spouse, partner, or significant other interchangeably throughout the article.
The first thing you want to is to self-reflect: What's going on with this discomfort, and where is it coming from?
The #1 thing I see here is actually resentment. In fact, a study has shown that women who make more than their male partners in heterosexual marriages actually hold resentment towards them.
The theory is that this comes from how we're socialized, so explore that, including expectations that you saw in your family, media, or otherwise.
Even if you reject these norms and expectations intellectually, they can still affect your psyche. And the best way to address them is to uncover them, understand them, and then you can decide which ideas to keep and which ones to release or heal.
Step Two
Consider your husband, including his own life experiences, in which men are typically taught (again via family, media, or otherwise) that our job is to be a provider, to take care of our family.
So, having a female partner who earns more than we do can be a challenge to our egos, egos that can be fragile to begin with.
Therefore, if he hasn't done some of this (inner) work on his own, then he may seem defensive, anxious, or uncomfortable when you bring up the money conversation.
Be prepared to hold space for him, and this can become something really powerful for him and for your relationship.
Step Three
Once you've taken this into consideration, simply ask your significant other to have a conversation about your finances individually within your relationship.
If you're looking for help getting started, take advantage of a free consultation with a Certified Financial Therapist!
Step Four
Once he says yes, now actually talk about it! Talk about your financial situation and the related emotions you have. Note that you might feel confident in one aspect of your money and feel lost in another!
Consider this your warning: It's probably going to be uncomfortable.
But if you don't acknowledge these dynamics, they'll just stay stuck. And that can lead down the road to money being a (top) cause of stress and divorce.
Remember: even if you do disagree with the social norms or expectations, what you've seen in media, it's still in your psyche, perhaps similarly to how unconscious and implicit bias work.
Step Five
Once you've normalized this conversation, gotten things out on the table, and learned to talk and work through them individually and together…now you too can actually speak from a place of equality when co-creating what you want for your futures!
What Is a Money Imbalance?
Any relationship can have a money imbalance. It simply means one partner makes more than the other. In our society, it's 'expected' that the man makes more than the woman, but that's not always the case today, and it can cause problems in marriages.
Gender roles aside, anytime one partner makes or has more money than the other, it can cause feelings of resentment, inadequacy, guilt, or greed.
Tips To Overcome a Money Imbalance in Relationships
Getting on the same page is the key to overcoming the challenges of a money imbalance. Here are some quick tips to help you get started:
Create a budget: A budget is essential even if one partner makes more than the other. This lays out how and where you spend money and determines how to split expenses. This eliminates room for arguments and helps you get on the same page.
Discuss financial differences: Open communication is the key to working through a money imbalance. With an open mind, talk to each other about how you feel about money and your financial situation to work out your differences. There may be assumptions within the marriage that, once discussed, make both of you feel better.
Have money dates: Once a month, or at whatever frequency you find best, have a date where your focus is money. These are positive dates where you discuss money decisions, plan financial goals, and review personal spending to determine if you should make any changes.
Don't point fingers: No matter how frustrated one partner feels, never point fingers or place blame. For your marriage to work, you need to be able to communicate openly and honestly without blaming one another or causing more fights. The idea is that you are a united team working toward a common goal, and blaming doesn't help you do that.
Ways To Make Your Husband Feel Secure in the Marriage
In our society, many people feel 'less than' if they are not the primary breadwinner. While there isn't anything wrong with one person making more than the other, if your husband feels insecure with a female breadwinner, here are some ways to make him feel more secure:
Ask for his help, even on little things, as this makes him feel useful and boosts his self-esteem.
Show your spouse affection, as emotion and finances aren't related.
Let him pay bills or take you out; don't insist on always paying.
Support your husband's income and employment, and never compare your income to his.
Combine your finances so he doesn't feel like you are hiding your money because you make more.
Include your husband in all decisions, financial and non-financial, to feel unified.
How To Talk About Money With Your Spouse
Talking about money with your spouse can feel like dreaded household chores, but it doesn't have to be that way. When you have open communication and are on the same page, suddenly, talking about finances isn't as hard as it seems.
Here are some tips to talk to your spouse about money:
Focus on the good: Only talking about the negative financial stuff with your spouse can take its toll on your marriage. When you talk about money, always start with the positives. Discuss what's going right in the household finances and then work your way to the harder stuff afterward.
Have an open mind: Don't go into your money talks with a negative mindset. Remember, your husband may have a different money story or feelings about money, especially if he isn't the sole breadwinner. Listen openly to your spouse when talking about money and see how you can meet one another in the middle.
Be willing to compromise: To make a marriage work, you must be willing to compromise. This may mean giving in to a purchase you don't agree with or setting a financial goal that you wouldn't have ever dreamt of having. Since there are two people in your marriage, it's important for the family unit for you to give and take.
Revisit the topic: If you and your husband don't agree on a money topic the first time, revisit the topic in a few weeks when you've both had time to cool down. Not all financial decisions are made at once. Rather than poking at the bear, let it rest and give each other time to see one another's view.
What Are the Next Steps When There's a Primary Breadwinner?
If one partner in your marriage makes more than the other, consider these steps to keep a happy and peaceful marriage.
Discuss Financial Responsibilities Openly
No matter who makes more money, discuss financial responsibilities openly and honestly. Don't hide details from your spouse or think you need to take over the finances because you make more money.
Open communication in all areas of your marriage is the key to a successful marriage.
Agree on a Way To Split the Family Finances
Even though you make more money than your spouse, it doesn't mean you should handle all the bills. Your husband needs to feel needed, too. Instead of taking over the checking account, find a way to meet in the middle so both partners feel like they are doing their part.
Create a Budget Together
When a wife earns more money than her husband, it can feel challenging to create a budget, but it's imperative.
Creating a budget together helps you feel more unified, no matter how much less money a husband makes than his wife. A budget gives you a roadmap for spending, saving, and reaching your financial goals and gives you a starting point to talk about money.
Set Goals Together
Financial goals are an important part of any marriage. Even if you each have your own money and neither are economically dependent on the other, setting goals brings you closer together.
These goals can be monetary and non-monetary. The key is that they get you to talk about your life and how you envision it together.
FAQs
Are Female Breadwinners More Likely to Divorce?
In the 60s and 70s, relationships with a female breadwinner were 70% more likely to divorce. In the 90s, however, the rate dropped to just 4%, so society is coming around and realizing that breadwinning women are acceptable in a relationship.
Does Income Affect Marriage?
Income shouldn't affect marriage, but according to a study done by a professor at Williams College, only 34% of low income men are married, versus 67% of high-earning men.
Should a Man Support His Wife Financially?
There isn't a law or even moral statute that states a man should support his wife financially. Each partner should do what feels right to them in their marriage.
There is no right or wrong way to handle your relationship. The key is to remember why you got married and not focus as much on the financial aspect.
Does a Money Imbalance Lead to Financial Infidelity?
In some relationships, a money imbalance leads to financial infidelity because of resentment, greed, or guilt.
To prevent this from happening in your marriage, consider seeking financial counseling so you and your partner are on the same page and are comfortable talking to one another about money.
It Doesn't Matter Who Makes More
We live in a competitive world where it feels like we even need to compete in our marriages, but we don't.
To make your marriage work, you must focus on what made you fall in love with your husband and the life you're creating together. Money matters will fall into place when you have open communication. The key is trusting one another with your innermost thoughts and feelings.
You can contact me today for a free first consultation to get to the bottom of your money issues.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
