What To Do When You Mess Up About Money?
How can you clean up a money-related mess you made with your significant other or spouse?
In short, the process is to:
Recognize
Apologize
Listen, and
Create a new way.
Now I’ll go into more detail about each and even share a personal story.
Step #1: Recognize and identify that you made a mess.
First of all, it’s normal and natural to mess up, whether with money or otherwise.
Someone will overspend or upset the other person, so try not to give yourself too hard a time for it, instead bringing patience and compassion.
However, once you do realize that you messed up, it’s time for…
Step #2: Acknowledge and apologize to your partner for the mess. If you were a jerk, you can say: “You know what, I'm sorry, I was a jerk before.” Or if you lied to them, you say: “I lied to you, I messed up, and I’m sorry.” Be honest, and don’t over-complicate the initial approach (so to speak).
Step #3: Once you've apologized, you want to listen. Hear how your actions impacted your partner, your finances, their dreams, etc., as well as how they felt about it.
To invite them to share, consider saying something like:
“I want to make sure that I fully hear you out, take responsibility for my actions, and understand their impact on you so I can learn and do better. So, if and when you're up to it, I'd be grateful to hear how this affected you.”
Note that sometimes, your partner might not be ready right away to tell you how they felt, and that’s okay. In that case, you can let it go for now, perhaps revisit it later, or even say something like: “I totally understand if you don’t want to share right now. I imagine you’ve felt some sort of way about this and in any case, I apologize for that.”
If they say yes, then of course listen and try to see things from their point of view. Remember that even if you disagree with their reasoning, their point of view, feelings, and experience are all still valid and real to them. Tell them that you hear them, and even name the emotions that they shared or that you sensed. This all is the validation and empathy piece.
In terms of taking responsibility, as mentioned above, by that I mean acknowledging the relationship between your actions (or inactions) and the results, whether tangible or emotional.
In doing all of this, you’ve got the best shot at actually cleaning up the mess, giving you and your partner a clean slate!
Step #4: Create a foundation for a new future, i.e. come up with ideas of how you can handle that kind of situation in the future!
Here, you might ask your partner's opinion and also offer up your own ideas. This can even be a brief conversation — the key is often simply to make sure that you two have regular financial check-ins. This helps ensure that situations can’t spiral and that you have dedicated space to be honest and vulnerable in sharing challenges around money.
Follow these steps, and watch the flourishing of your connection, intimacy, and partnerhsip!
Again, the step are to Recognize, Apologize, Listen/Take Responsibility, and finally Create a New Approach!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
