When to Talk About Money With Your Partner
How do you decide when to start talking about money with your partner?
Money is a challenging topic. Many people assume it’s going to be an awkward or even bad conversation.
They may even fear fighting.
So, the usual approach is to delay the talk as long as possible!
“We do know we need to have it. But, we'll delay as long as possible and try not to be too miserable.”
I get it. I’m going to propose a completely different way of looking at it, though.
Money talks are a chance for growth, intimacy, and connection!
But, what usually gets in the way of seeing these conversations as an opportunity?
Fear. Fear of judgment from your partner about your finances. Shame or embarrassment about not having more money or knowing more about finance.
Again, the avoidance makes complete sense.
A moment, however, can become a month, a year, a decade. And at that point, both your relationship and your finances will have taken a hit.
Don’t forget that financial stress is one of the top causes of divorce.
Okay, so hopefully now you’re convinced that this is an important conversation to have.
But when should we have it?
Some worries may sound like:
What if it’s too soon?
What if my partner thinks I’m weird?
What if my partner thinks this is way too soon to be discussing money?
My recommendation:
Handle money like any other important relationship topic. It should be right there with issues like where to live and whether to have kids. For each, you need to find out if you two have shared values and wants.
If you’re sharing money or living together, then you probably don’t need to talk about everything. Start to explore. Pay attention to your partner’s financial behaviors and decision making. And discuss the decisions that affect both of your finances.
For example:
Where to eat
Where to vacation
How to vacation
Which apartment to choose (if living together)
Expectations around quality time (i.e. versus working more)
Talking about it sooner can head off resentment before it starts or festers. And these conversations will both strengthen your bond and convey important information. This will make you two closer.
Listen from a place of your love for each other. Be empathetic. Focus on understanding. Be curious about how your partner got to be the way that they are. Be vulnerable. And explore your own relationship to money, your own story. After all, doing your own “work” is pretty much the best gift that you can give your partner.
In Summary:
There's no exact answer. As the relationship grows, money talks help to explore your values and compromise.
Once you’re making decisions that affect both people’s finances, then it’s essential to go deeper. Share your history and experiences. Tell them your budget for the item’s about which you’re mutually deciding. Talk about your current feelings around money. And share your fears and worries, hopes, and dreams.
Good luck!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
