The 3 Steps to Settle Disagreements About Childcare Expenses
Child-related expenses are a challenging topic for many families.
What can you do when you and your significant other disagree?
Today, I'll share 3 steps to settle these disagreements and move forward in a productive and loving way.
If you're like most parents, then your children are extremely important to you. You want the best for them, to give them the best education, buy them all the toys and books they want, etc. But that may not 100% possible given your financial situation, in which case you may have different perspectives.
So what do you do?
You might be the person who will do whatever is necessary to give your kids everything — all the nicest, and all the best. Or…
You might be the person who thinks: “I want them to have the best, too, but my goodness, we just can't afford it — it's not practical!”
Whichever one you are, follow these 3 steps:
Step #1
Cultivate Understanding by sharing with each other what you actually want and why those things matter, i.e. to you or your kids.
Note that sometimes Partner A feels like Partner B is busting their budget, while Partner B feels like Partner A is really restricting them. This can lead to misunderstand resentment.
Yet the reality is that you love each other and both want what’s best for your kids, and you might just have different paths in mind or different beliefs or values underlying your preferences.
Ask questions, listen, and share to get to the values, which will give you much more information to work with in exploring options and compromises.
For example, you might say: “I really want to send our kids to private school.”
The next step is to open up and share why that matters to you, i.e.: “Private school students often get into better colleges and get better jobs, and I want to make sure that our kids have a solid future.”
For another example, you might say: “I want to make sure that the kids are able to play sports and do recreational activities.”
Then share your why, i.e. “When I was a kid, playing sports was a key contributor to my self-esteem development, including making friends and getting better, faster, and stronger. I want to make sure that our kids have that.”
Can you see how this could be a different sort of conversation? In fact, it can bring you two close, allowing you to use money conversations to strengthen your relationship!
A Note: share what you want for your kids even if you don’t think it’s financially viable. It’s best to just get everything out there, and then you can iron things out as you continue onto Step 2.
Step #2
Plot Potential Scenarios. This will require research key factors like:
How much do the things cost that you would like to do for your kids?
How much time they take?
What’s our current financial situation, i.e. our income, expenses, assets, and debts?
Once you’ve got this information, then you can play around with some different scenarios. And don't worry about it being perfect!
Let's say you have $5,000/month that you can spend reasonably on the kids.. Then try out some different scenarios, based on the costs you found in doing your research, to see how you might allocate that money. Don’t just try one; create a few different scenarios.
Step #3
Compare, Compromise, and Choose. Now you understand each other, your financial situation, and what it will take to provide different things for your children. What’s left is to have a discussion and compare the options!
Here’s a communication tip: don’t get stuck with wanting to get your way. Stay focused on the benefits for the kids and you two, the relative pros and cons. Remember that if you spend more/less on the kids, then that would be less/more money to spend on other things!
So, it may not be about just private school, sports, and brand-name clothes but also about you taking care of yourself, going on vacation or having some extra money to launch a side business. Be real about that, and you’ll figure this all out much faster.
Now, from this place, you have practical knowledge about what it would actually take to do these different things and what kinds of scenarios are possible. And you understand what you care about, and your partner understands what you care about.
By now, you should understand each other, know the costs of various items, and can evaluate various scenarios to choose the best one from a healthier, more informed, loving place.
To recap:
Step #1: Cultivate Understanding
Step #2: Plot Potential Scenarios
Step #3: Compare, Compromise, and Choose
Follow those steps, and let me know how it went via the comments or by email; Adam@CouplesFinancialCoach.com!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
