Financially Irresponsible Spouse - How to See the Signs
You work hard, bring home money, pay the bills, and put money aside for savings, only to find out you have a financially irresponsible spouse.
While you are working and paying the bills, your spouse is out spending money, gambling, or racking up more credit card debt.
So what's the deal?
If this sounds like you, keep reading to learn what to do with your partner. Financial irresponsibility can ruin your current and future financial stability if you don't catch it fast enough.
What It Means to Be a Financially Irresponsible Spouse
Each couple may have a different definition of financial irresponsibility. For some, it's a spouse with poor spending habits; for others, it's a spouse that ignores the entire family's financial goals and plans, such as saving for retirement or buying a house.
No matter how you define financial irresponsibility, it stings and can cause conflict and marital problems.
8 Signs Your Spouse Is Financially Irresponsible
The first step in fixing your marital financial troubles is determining if your spouse is financially irresponsible. Here are eight signs to consider:
1. Secrecy
Discovering how your spouse spent money or handled other financial transactions without talking to you first could be a sign of financial irresponsibility.
Common examples include:
Hiding credit card debt or bills from you
Sneaking purchases into the house when you are not home
Taking extra cash at the register so you don't notice the withdrawals in your joint bank accounts
Opening new bank accounts without asking or not letting you see their current bank account
2. Out-Of-Control Spending
Some spouses cannot control their spending. When they go to the store or shop online, they don't consider the household bills or any financial goals you set together. All they can think about is the purchases they want to make, and they make them.
When the credit card bills arrive, and you realize you are over your head in credit card debt, it could be a red flag that your spouse's financial tendencies are not to save or try to reach financial goals.
3. Difficulty Following a Budget
Following a budget takes consistency and willpower; some people don't have those characteristics. If you are constantly short on your monthly payments, it could be due to your spouse's excessive spending habits and financial irresponsibility. If even routine financial matters aren't achievable in your household, it's a sign that someone is spending too much money.
4. Falling Behind on Bills
Are you noticing your unpaid bills stacking up each month, that no matter how well you budget, there are bills you can't pay every month? This could be due to your spouse's financial troubles. When a person doesn't think before they spend or has other bad habits, such as gambling or drinking, those addictions often come before financial responsibility, making on-time bill paying impossible.
5. Lack of Savings
Did your partner come to the marriage with little to no money saved? Your partner's financial values may have changed even if you talked about your financial history before marriage.
You may discover today that you cannot save money for an emergency fund or other financial goals because of your partner's habits.
6. Borrows Money Often
Is your spouse constantly borrowing money? Maybe they rack up credit card debt and take out personal loans, or cash advances on the credit card. You may even feel like you must borrow money because you can't make ends meet each month.
If credit cards become your only means of making ends meet each month, even though your budget shows you earn enough money to cover the bills, it could be a sign of a financially irresponsible spouse.
7. Controls How You Spend Money
A financially unstable spouse that doesn't want to admit their financial carelessness may try to control how others spend money. They may even go as far as making you feel bad for spending money and controlling your spending. It's a method of manipulation to take the spotlight off themselves so they can continue with their unhealthy financial habits.
8. Lack of Financial Communication
Spouses that refuse to discuss money matters often do so because they don't want to admit their mistakes. They know you have financial troubles but aren't ready to face them, so they avoid money conversations altogether.
How to Help a Financially Irresponsible Spouse
Fortunately, there are ways to fix your financial situation if you address them as soon as you recognize the signs. When addressed soon enough, your financial troubles could become just a temporary setback.
Here's how to help.
Take stock of the situation - Assess how bad the financial irresponsibility is and what issues it has caused. Are you dealing with a lying spouse, or are they ignorant and don't understand how to handle money? Your recourse will be different depending on the underlying issues.
Communicate with your partner - Communication is the key to fixing any issue, including financial dishonesty in marriage. Don't rush in with your fingers pointed. Instead, have an initial conversation about the financial issues you've noticed, and have follow-up discussions on how to handle the money matters.
Establish a course of action - In your conversations, discuss goals and ways you and your partner can change. Don't put all the blame on your partner (even if their spending habits are to blame). Instead, show them that to be on the same page, you must work together, each compromising where you can while staying true to yourselves.
Shift roles and responsibilities - If the spouse with control of the joint bank accounts and finances is the partner drowning your family in debt, consider switching roles. Let the other spouse take over bill paying and budgeting while keeping both partners in the loop.
Work with a couples financial coach - If your spouse continues with their poor financial habits or you can't deal with the pressure of uncomfortable conversations, consider couples financial counseling or working with a financial coach to get back on track.
How to Protect Your Finances
There’s no doubt you love your partner. Financially irresponsible spouses, though, can complicate matters. If you notice signs of financial infidelity or worry you don't know how to deal with a lying partner, here are ways to protect your finances.
Prenup
Consider setting up a prenuptial agreement before getting married. Even if you think your partner's integrity is solid, there's always a chance they could change their habits, leaving you in a situation you didn't anticipate.
Your prenuptial agreement can lay out the framework of what would happen to your finances if you get divorced, especially if you're entering a marriage with a large amount of assets.
Postnup
If you're already married, it's not too late to set up a document to do what a prenup does. However, with a “postnup,” you already know some of your spouse's habits, so you may be able to address more specific items, such as the rights and responsibilities each spouse has in the marriage. This way, there's no question in the event of death or divorce.
Separate Finances
If sharing bank accounts isn't working out how you planned, consider separating some or all of your finances. Earning money only to find that it's gone before you can pay bills isn't fair to you. Keeping the money separate ensures only you can access it.
Financial Safeguards
If you want to work on the marriage and stay married, it's important to set up specific financial safeguards to avoid more financial troubles, including:
Keep personal, financial, and login information somewhere safe and confidential
Set spending limits for both partners and check in with each other weekly
Consider limiting access to bank accounts and bills
FAQs
What Is the Difference Between Financial Irresponsibility and Financial Infidelity?
Financial irresponsibility isn't always intentional. Some people aren't taught to handle money properly or lack the knowledge. That's financial irresponsibility. On the other hand, financial infidelity occurs when a spouse is purposefully hiding credit card debt from a spouse, lies about money, or tries to control the household finances, keeping money from their spouse.
How Do I Talk to My Financially Irresponsible Spouse?
It can be difficult to start the conversation when your spouse is financially irresponsible, but it's not impossible. Some keys are to be gentle, prepare what you'll say, and enlist the help of a financial counselor who can help both parties have their say lovingly and proactively.
Is It Ok for Your Spouse to Depend on You Financially?
Sometimes a spouse must stay home to raise kids or for personal reasons and may have to depend on a spouse financially. While it's not ideal, there's nothing illegal about it. However, it's always a good idea for both partners to agree on the arrangement and also to have some money that is theirs to use without needing to clear it with their significant other.
Is Financial Irresponsibility Grounds for Divorce?
Every marriage is different, but marriage counseling and financial coaching may help you and your partner get on track. Learning to rethink things, including financial habits, can help you get on the same page and get on the road to a peaceful and financially stable marriage.
Financially Irresponsible Spouse - The Bottom Line
Dealing with a financially irresponsible spouse can be scary, but bringing up the topic may feel uncomfortable. Don't do it alone. Instead, consider working with a financial counselor to help you and your partner see eye to eye and get back on track financially.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
