My Husband* Has Ruined Us Financially - What Should I Do Next?
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
'My husband has ruined us financially; what should I do?'
It can be frightening to not have control of your finances, have excessive debt, or be unable to pay for emergencies or your child's education. Knowing there is a problem is the first step. From there, you can create a plan to get back on track. Here's how.
My Husband Has Ruined Us Financially - What Is Financial Ruin?
If you're having money problems in your relationship, you might wonder if you've reached financial ruin. While it's fairly subjective to determine if you're in a financial crisis, most people agree that financial ruin means you can no longer juggle the finances and stay afloat. Your marriage is dictated by financial stress, and it's wearing down your relationship, too.
What Went Wrong
You might look back and wonder where things went wrong. At what point did your financial troubles start? You might even blame yourself for overlooking your husband's financial irresponsibility or ignoring the signs that your financial stability was on the rocks.
First things first, don't put all of the blame on yourself. No one can turn back the clock and change things. Second, no matter who is at fault, there are ways to get back on track; the key is to prioritize how you manage your financial issues.
Let's look at some common reasons for things going south.
Falling Behind or Accruing More Debt
Sometimes financial stress happens because you get in over your head with debt. Maybe you took on expenses that you thought you could handle at the time, but things have since changed. Maybe your spouse is accruing secret credit card debt.
Sometimes debt in marriage occurs from a lack of communication. With both partners spending too much money, and neither one doing anything about it, the debt could spiral out of control.
Irresponsibility
Think about who was in control of the bank accounts. Was one partner in charge of all the money, or did you split responsibilities? Money marriage problems often start because one spouse is completely in the dark about the household bills and family finances, and the other spouse is handling them irresponsibly.
Without a checks and balances system, one spouse may have spent more money than should have been allowed, but no one stood guard. Some people just don't get financial matters and wing it, not realizing they're in too deep until it's too late.
Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity can quickly cause financial ruin and is another form of financial irresponsibility; however, it's more intentional.
But what is financial infidelity? Consider it the money form of cheating, and spouses that intentionally hide money in a relationship commit financial infidelity. Examples include:
Taking extra money at the register and pocketing it
Opening bank accounts without a spouse's knowledge
Hiding credit card debt from a spouse
Infidelity
Actual infidelity can cause financial stress or ruin as well. Living a double life, cheating, supporting multiple significant others, or trying to 'woo' another woman with money can quickly put your family in financial danger. Not being able to cover the household expenses or draining the checking account to continue the double life can ruin a marriage and household.
How to Move Past Financial Troubles
If you think, "my husband has ruined us financially," it doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage. If you married your best friend and want things to work, there are many ways to handle money in relationships, no matter how bad it gets.
Here's how to do it.
1. Evaluate the Full Scope of the Financial Situation
First, evaluate the situation. Take inventory of how bad it is, even though it may not be what you pictured when you decided to begin a marriage. Finance troubles don't last forever when you take the proper steps.
Ask for copies of all credit card and bank statements, including all joint bank accounts and each partner's individual accounts. Compare your monthly income to the required credit card monthly payments and see where you stand. Is your income enough to get you out of this, or will you need more help?
2. Identify Where the Problem Stems From
Next, determine where the problems began and where they are now. This isn't a time to point fingers and blame anyone. Even if one person played a huge role in the situation, remember that marriage and money take a lot of work, time, and effort from both partners.
Use this opportunity to determine what needs to change in the relationship. For example, should both parties have access to the funds and help manage money and the bills together? Consider solutions to the problems, and find effective tools and structures to make them happen.
3. Work With a Professional
There's nothing wrong with working with a professional to reach financial success. Financial counseling can help you work together as a couple to handle financial issues and get on the same page. Even if one partner is financially irresponsible, a little counseling and education can go a long way in helping you reach your financial goals.
4. Set a Budget and Financial Boundaries
After determining the reasons for the issues with money and relationships, you should consider creating a budget and setting financial boundaries.
This may look like:
Discussing future purchases before spending money
Putting one or both partners in charge of specific bills
Finding ways to keep both partners on the same page with the bank accounts and other financial accounts
5. Set Goals Together
The final step is to set financial goals. You may do this together, or first separately separately and then compare lists. If you don't see eye-to-eye, identify priority areas and see how you can compromise on the rest. It’s okay to have a mix of joint and individual goals in your couple budget and financial plan.
Finances in Marriage - 5 Tips and Tricks
Want a quick cheat sheet to make handling and saving money in a relationship easier?
Check this out.
Identify each other's financial personality - Understand one another's financial tendencies. Is one partner a spender and the other a saver, or are you each a mix of both? Identifying one another's strengths and weaknesses can help you build a stronger marriage.
Understand the emotional side of finances in a marriage - Money can be emotional, but most couples don't realize that. Whether one partner likes to save money and the other loves to spend, or there are other differences, it can feel like the financial troubles are killing your marriage.
Automate your finances - Consider setting up automatic payments for bills and automatic transfers for savings to reach your financial goals. This makes mistakes less likely.
Schedule money dates - Allow plenty of time to talk about money. Money dates are times set aside to talk money. You two can do this yourselves or even during marriage counseling if you're past the point of being able to talk to one another calmly about money.
Compromise where you can - Like any issue in a marriage, there should always be room for compromise. No one is perfect, and no two people have the same financial ideations, but the variety is what makes life fun!
How to Protect Yourself From Future Financial Ruin
If you're worried about financial ruin in your marriage, here are some ways to protect yourself.
Pre or Post-Nuptial Agreement
Don't be afraid to ask for a pre or post-nuptial agreement. Dealing with finance in marriage isn't always easy, but having an agreement before marriage or soon after can put strict boundaries in place should things go wrong and you can't save the marriage.
Restrict Financial Access
If your partner likes to spend money and cannot control himself, or he committed financial infidelity, and you aren't ready to trust him yet, consider restricting financial access to at least a portion of the funds. This makes dealing with money and marriage somewhat easier while you work out the problems and get back on track.
FAQs
How Do I Start the Money Conversation With My Husband?
It can feel tough to start talking about money with your husband. The keys are being calm, not pointing fingers, and only stating facts. If you can't find a way to bring it up, consider financial and marriage counseling to get the conversation going.
Is It Best to Have Separate or Joint Accounts?
There's no right or wrong way to hold bank accounts in a marriage. Some couples prefer joint accounts to keep track of all spending. Others prefer a little independence and want their own bank accounts, at least for part of their funds. Either way is right as long as you can pay the bills, reach financial goals, and have an emergency fund saved for the future.
What Are Financial Red Flags in a Relationship?
There can be many financial red flags in a relationship, but some of the top ones include:
Hiding money
Lying about money
Spending money without considering the budget
Not having any money saved
Is a Husband Responsible for His Wife’s Expenses?
A husband isn't responsible for a wife's expenses and vice versa. However, if you work it out that way in your marriage, you should stick to what you agreed to and discuss any necessary changes as you work through the marriage.
What Can I Legally Do if My Husband Won’t Pay His Bills?
If your husband doesn't pay his bills despite your efforts to help him, consider getting help from a credit or financial counselor. A third party can help you understand your options and make the right financial decisions for yourself.
My Husband Has Ruined Us Financially - The Bottom Line
Achieving financial peace and harmony is possible, no matter what is happening in your marriage. The feeling of financial ruin is a big and overwhelming one, but it's not the end of the road. With the right steps and professional help, you can get back on track to a happy and healthy relationship.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
