My Husband* Spends Too Much Money- What to Do
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Do you worry that your husband spends too much money? Whether it's draining your finances and you're worried about your future, or you want to be on the same page, the earlier you address the issues, the better.
Here's what you should do if you're worried about your husband's spending habits:
Why a Husband Spends Too Much Money
If you feel your husband's spending habits jeopardize your financial situation or your husband spends all the money without thinking twice, you might wonder why your husband spends too much money.
Each couple has a different scenario, but the most common reason for a spouse's overspending is a search for security. Unfortunately, your husband may be trying to fill a void, and it might not be something he can talk about with you, or at least he might be afraid to talk about it.
There could be numerous reasons your husband feels insecure, and it might not be that you don't have a healthy relationship. Instead, it could have to do with your husband's upbringing. For example, if he grew up deprived of most things, he might have the mindset that buying things will create the sense of security he needs.
Your husband may be dealing with mental health issues like anxiety or depression. Spending money while shopping may give your husband the boost of endorphins he needs, much like taking drugs or drinking alcohol might do to soothe his feelings.
Finally, he may spend money to fit in with the crowd. Whether he's trying to keep up with the neighbors, feel like he fits in at work, or make himself look like he's the breadwinner in the house and you don't have any money issues, it can cause financial stress between married couples, between the two of you.
Signs Your Husband Is Spending Too Much Money
So how do you know when you have a financially-selfish husband that spends too much money? Here are the top signs to look for when you feel your husband's spending is out of control.
"Splurge" Regularly Without Discussing With You
If you start noticing your spouse buying things that aren't on your list or that you didn't discuss, it could signify an overspending partner. Of course, you don't have to discuss every little purchase, but if you send him to the grocery store for a few items and he comes home with gadgets and purchases that had nothing to do with your list, he may be impulse buying to satisfy specific needs.
It can be especially alarming if you constantly say to yourself, 'my husband made a big purchase without telling me.'
"My Husband Always Puts Himself First Financially"
If you notice your husband satisfies his financial needs without considering you, it could signify that he is spending too much money. A spouse with lousy spending habits may become greedy with the finances, knowing that if he shares the money with you, he won't have enough money to spend what he wants.
You'll notice this happening gradually. So, for example, if you have to ask your husband for an 'allowance' or suddenly feel like you have a selfish husband, it could even be a sign of financial abuse.
Find New Items Around the House Unexpectedly
If you wonder where certain items came from, it could signify that your husband is spending a lot of money and not talking to you about it. Even if you didn't have financial issues before but suddenly find items you never discussed purchasing, your husband could be trying to hide the purchases to avoid fighting.
Plunge in Credit Score
You may not notice decreasing credit scores right away, but when your spouse's credit score falls, it could signify that your husband is spending money frivolously. If your spouse opens a new credit card or spends close to the credit card's limit, it could hurt his credit score.
Each time he opens a new credit card and racks up more debt, his credit score falls. The application for a credit card alone dings a credit score, but having a high amount of debt compared to the credit line can hurt a credit score too.
Hides Bills
If you have joint accounts, always handle the bills together, and suddenly discover your husband hiding bills, it's a sign that your husband might be spending a lot of money. He might not want you to know about new credit card bills or the amount he spent.
Find Unknown Accounts and Credit Cards
Having shared financial goals means sharing everything about your personal finances. For example, if you find a bank account you weren't aware existed or credit cards you didn't apply for, it could be a sign that your spouse has bad spending habits.
Avoids Talking Finances With You or a Professional
In healthy relationships, couples regularly discuss finances with a financial planner or counselor. If your spouse suddenly avoids the meetings, finds ways to not talk about money, or seems quieter than usual when you talk about it, he might be spending too much money.
"My Husband Is Controlling With Money"
Financial abuse is a serious issue among couples. If you say constantly, 'my husband is controlling with money,' he could be hiding something from you.
This is especially troublesome if the behavior is new. For example, if you never felt like you had to ask your husband for money or that he was hiding anything from you, but now you do, your husband might be controlling with money.
How to Stop Spending So Much Money
If you're thinking, 'my husband has ruined us financially,' there are ways to curb your partner's spending and get on the same page again.
Understand Your Family Dynamics
Before approaching your spouse about his bad spending habits, consider why the spending upsets you. Is it because it's causing money issues, or are there deeper issues you need to uncover and handle?
For example, if your husband is spending a lot of money, but it doesn't significantly impact your budget or financial goals, consider why it bothers you. Are you having other issues in your relationship that make it difficult to be happy, so you focus on the spending habits rather than the real problem?
Find the Source/Cause of the Overspending
If you have an overspending partner and it's causing financial issues, you must get to the bottom of the problem. Why is your husband spending so much money?
Tread lightly as you explore the reasons. Calling your husband a selfish spouse or pointing fingers will only cause more tension in the relationship. Rather than pointing blame on one spouse, consider broaching the topic more inclusively.
For example, you could say you want to talk about saving money because you don't feel like you've saved enough as a couple. You could also mention that it's been a while since you've revisited your finances together. Finally, you can say that you'd like to go over your finances and ensure you're both in the same place with your financial goals, thoughts on overspending, and revisiting your budget.
Find Common Ground
When you discuss your finances, find common ground that makes it easier for you both to have your opinions expressed. For example, find big goals you have in common or find ways to make sure you both feel heard when creating your budget.
The key is to avoid the feeling that you have a selfish spouse or one partner controlling the money. Instead, this should be a joint venture where both partners have a say. Avoid conversations that accuse your husband of overspending or hiding money. Instead, find ways so that you both feel as if your finances are an open and honest topic between you.
Improve Communication
How you communicate about money is essential. Like we said earlier, pointing fingers only makes a partner feel bad. This can cause him to get defensive and your conversations to be unproductive.
Instead, set aside time to discuss your budget, financial information, goals, and how to get moving in the right direction. Then, create monthly budget meetings where you agree to be open and honest with one another about your spending habits, what you did right, and what you did wrong.
Make sure to spend time focusing on the positives for both partners before addressing the negatives. Even if it's something small like you put more cash in the savings account or you skipped buying frivolous items that month, celebrate the small wins and keep moving forward.
Implement a Budget
If you don't have a budget you use together, now is the perfect time to create one. When you have a budget, it's a lot easier to pinpoint where the money goes and what habits might need to change.
A budget makes it much easier to discuss your finances and what you should do. However, if you need professional help, this can also be an excellent way to broach the subject. For example, if you find it impossible to get on the same page about spending or never stay within your budget, it might be time for help.
Limit Your Spouse's Access to Credit Cards
Limiting access to credit cards may be essential if you want to learn how to stop spending money on unnecessary things. To avoid fights in your relationship, limit everyone's access to the cards. This way, there's no finger pointing or blaming. Instead, you both agree not to use the credit cards so you can get back on track with your finances.
If you make it a joint effort, it will feel less like you're saying you have a selfish husband and more like 'this is a team effort.'
Seek Counseling
If these tactics don't work and you still feel like your husband spends too much money, it's time for counseling.
Professional help from a financial coach can help you get on the same page. There might be deep-seated issues your spouse is dealing with that he hasn't disclosed yet. He might be uncomfortable telling you about them, worried that it might ruin your relationship or put a wedge in your family.
A counselor can help you determine what issues are happening and what you can do to move forward together.
Husband's Poor Spending Habits FAQ
Should Couples Wait Until Marriage to Discuss Finances?
Waiting until marriage to discuss finances can be too late. Talking about finances as early in the relationship as possible is best. If you see the relationship going somewhere, it's time to discuss income, debts, and your views on personal finance.
You might find that you're compatible in all areas except money. You'd want to know that early on in the relationship so you could either work on it or go your separate ways before getting too invested (pun intended).
What to Do When Your Husband Hides Money From You?
If you think your husband hides money from you, it's important to discuss it. Don't start the conversation accusing him of wrongdoing, though. Instead, address the situation from the perspective that you have concerns about your finances, lack of money in the savings account, or that you're not meeting your financial goals.
If your spouse doesn't come clean about hiding money, you might need to attend financial counseling to get the help you need to set the record straight.
My Husband Says His Money Is His But Isn't Being Responsible. What Should I Do?
If your husband says his money is his, but you have concerns with how he's handling it, seek help. A financial coach can help your husband see where he's going wrong with his spending and what he could do differently. A reputable financial coach will approach the situation so that your spouse will feel heard and seen but also be able to recognize the mistakes he's making with your finances.
How Much Money Is Too Much to Spend Without Discussing With Your Partner?
Every relationship has a different threshold for spending without permission. For some, it could be $100, and for others, it could be thousands. The key is to discuss this with your husband to decide at what point you should discuss purchases with one another before making them. Each spouse needs to have a sense of both independence and also a level of responsibility.
Spending a Lot of Money: The Bottom Line
Spending a lot of money can lead to financial ruin. If you're worried that your husband spends too much money, talk to him about it now. However, if you can't get on the same page or it causes too many fights, consider seeking financial coaching to help your relationship and finances. Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
