I Found Out My Husband* Gave Money to Another Woman*
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Finding out my husband gave money to another woman isn't pleasant. It can be downright frightening. Most people immediately think the worst, but sometimes, there are reasons for the transactions.
The key is understanding how to handle the situation and getting to the root of the problem to determine how to move forward.
My Husband Gave Money to Another Woman
If you've found out by accident that your husband gave money to another woman, it can feel like a slap in the face. The first thing that probably comes to mind is that he is in another relationship and cheating on your marriage.
While that may be the case, it's important not to jump to conclusions. Instead, take a deep breath and devise a plan to talk to your partner about the situation.
Immediately pointing the blame for wrongdoing will only put more stress on the marriage. Instead, gather your evidence from the bank account and determine how best to bring it up to your spouse.
Reasons He May Have Done This
As you plan how to talk to your spouse about the situation, consider why it may have occurred. Infidelity is the first thing that comes to most minds, but that may not be the case.
Other reasons may include:
He may be creating a surprise for you and needed help pulling it off
He may have created a large amount of debt and wants to hide it from you
He may be borrowing money from someone to make ends meet and doesn't want to tell you
There are many reasons why your partner gives cash to another woman. If you can't tell who the woman is from the money transfers, try to get the details from him before assuming it's for the worst reasons possible.
Is It Normal To Feel Betrayed or Hurt in This Situation?
Any time you discover a secret in your marriage, it can hurt. But it's best to find a way to process and manage your emotions so that you can talk to your spouse calmly about the situation, allowing you to understand why it happened.
If you aren't sure how to start or what to consider, consider talking to a trusted friend or family member to get advice. Someone on the outside may be able to see the situation for what it is and/or give you a more-neutral perspective that helps you approach the conversation calmly, rather than as more of a verbal attack for sending money to someone else.
Should I Confront My Husband Immediately After Finding Out?
It's usually best to wait until you're calm and thinking straight before confronting your husband about sending money to another woman. Ideally, you should have as much evidence as possible before confronting him.
For example, has he done this in the past, or is this something new? Having as much evidence as possible increases the chances of him telling you the truth upfront versus coming up with more lies if he was lying in the first place.
If you aren't typically involved in the family finances but suddenly wonder why he is spending money or want him to explain his every move, he will get suspicious.
Instead, take the time to get as much information as possible from the bank account, credit card companies, or any other evidence you can gather to show your spouse you know something is happening and you want to work through it.
What To Do When My Husband Gave Money to Another Woman
If you confirm your husband gave money to another woman, it can sting quite a bit! But there may be valid reasons. Even if it is infidelity, working with a licensed professional may help you both get to the bottom of the issue and resolve any problems.
Try these tips to talk to your husband.
Stay Calm
Getting emotional is common when discussing issues within a marriage, but staying calm is essential. If you get too emotional, you may say things you regret. It can also make your husband more likely to act defensive if you come at him pointing fingers.
If you can't keep yourself calm, consider having someone facilitate the discussion, whether a family member, friend, or financial counselor.
Communicate Openly
Make it clear to your husband that you want to communicate openly and honestly. Both partners should feel like they can say what is on their minds and admit to things they've done without feeling judged.
You must tell yourself before talking that you might hear things you don't like, but to work through it and reach a point of peace and harmony, you must hear what happened.
Active Listening
Listening to your husband's story or excuses about the money he spent or gave to another woman is one thing, but actively listening takes it to another level.
When you actively listen, you are in the moment, trying to hear and understand what your spouse is saying about the situation that occurred.
Express Your Feelings
Remaining calm is important, but so is expressing your feelings. You are a person with feelings, too, and have a right to give your husband a sense of how you feel about the information you discovered.
Whether you found the information accidentally by stumbling upon your husband's phone or you noticed money was missing from the bank account, you are bound to have feelings you need to express to your husband.
Understand the Context
It's easy to jump to conclusions about what happened when you see your husband spent money on something besides the household needs, but try not to.
Instead, give your husband time to explain the situation. After hearing what happened, you can decide if you want to forgive him or risk losing the marriage.
Depending on the complexity of the issues, you may consider undergoing financial counseling to ensure that this doesn't happen again and that you get back on the same page about spending and saving money.
Establish Financial Boundaries
No matter the reason the financial infidelity occurred, it's important to set financial boundaries. If you don't think you can trust your spouse to handle the money any longer, you may discuss switching roles and letting you handle the funds.
You may also decide to share the responsibilities 50/50 while setting boundaries regarding how much each person can spend without talking to each other about it.
It can take some time to gain trust back in your spouse, so you may want to be heavy on the boundaries initially and then ease off them as you feel you are getting back into a groove.
Evaluate the Impact
Of course, it's essential to evaluate the impact of the situation. As the wife, you have the right to be upset, especially if it truly was a form of cheating.
Consider how the situation affects the entire household, including the children, and how you can move forward without regret. Some situations are worse than others and may be able to be forgiven immediately, while others may take time and extensive counseling to overcome.
Reevaluate Trust
The trickiest part of overcoming infidelity is regaining trust in your spouse. This step can take a lot of time and work.
It's easy to live in fear that he will do it again, but that doesn't help you move forward. Seeking support during this step is important, especially if the cheating is extensive.
The key is to keep open communication throughout the process, paying close attention to how you and your spouse feel. You won't learn to trust your spouse immediately; it will take time and require plenty of support.
Seek Professional Guidance
Overcoming infidelity is hard to do alone. Even if you have support from other women in your life, such as your mother or good friends, it's a good idea to have professional support, too.
A professional can help you and your spouse uncover the reasons the cheating occurred and figure out what you can do to avoid losing the relationship.
Working with a financial counselor who understands marriages and finances can help you work through the issues together and reach financial and marital harmony.
FAQs
Is It Common for Spouses To Provide Financial Assistance to Others?
Each married couple has their own, different ways they handle money in their relationship. Some support one another financially while keeping their bank accounts separate.
Others combine finances and don't have to 'support' one another because all their money is combined. You and your husband should do what suits your marriage the best.
Is Financial Infidelity a Reason to Divorce?
Financial infidelity can feel just as bad as physical cheating, but that doesn't mean it's instant grounds for divorce.
If you want to try to save the relationship, you can work on it with a professional to discover why it happened and set rules for moving forward in the marriage. However, for some couples, the issues are too extensive and cannot be overcome.
Is Financial Transparency Important in a Marriage?
Financial transparency is a key to a successful relationship. When both partners are on the same page, making financial decisions and avoiding financial infidelity is easier.
You don't have to worry about keeping secrets and know that someone is keeping you accountable to avoid any mishaps.
You Can Overcome Financial Infidelity
If you think my husband gave money to another woman, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Yes, it can feel like it at first, but after getting to know the reasons and getting the proper help, you and your spouse may be able to work through the issues.
If you're looking for help with financial troubles within your marriage, contact me for a free consultation to see how I can help you and your spouse get on the same page.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
