I Need Advice: My Husband Says His Money Is His*
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Marriage is a beautiful event where two people combine their lives, beginning with vows to love each other forever.
However, financial circumstances can cause even the strongest marriages to hit the occasional road bump.
Sure, in the beginning, you may have been on the same page, but then kids, life experiences, and new jobs happen, and different views on spending money and saving money develop.
Somewhere between the honeymoon stage and now, you and your husband stopped being on the same page, especially regarding your financial life.
My Husband Says His Money Is His: Money Red Flags
If you've had meaningful conversations about money and finances, you will feel a sense of balance and flow within your relationship. But even the longest marriages can change their financial perspectives down the road.
Suppose your husband retired early or before you. He might get his pension first, whereas you still have to work until you're 65. As a result, resentment may occur, and your husband may feel as though he is entitled to his own money now.
Luckily, there are money red flags to notice before life events like this, such as:
Your husband no longer feels the need to discuss financial requirements or money.
Your husband shows signs of financial abuse (e.g., withholding financial information and not contributing to your financial needs)
Secrets and dishonesty about money (e.g., you don't realize you've gone into debt until you open a piece of mail).
You notice your husband spends more on himself than on you.
Your husband spends money without consulting you.
You feel the need to beg or ask for money rather than have an open conversation.
Your husband denies you access to bank accounts.
Your husband keeps you out of the loop with budgeting and investment strategies.
If you've noticed any of these red flags, you may want to seek financial coaching to help your marriage stay on track.
What's Yours Is Mine: Do All Couples Split Their Finances?
At the beginning of every marriage, or even before, money should be one of the first things you discuss to ensure you reach financial success. Find out your and your partner's money personality, and work out a balanced way to ensure you both are financially fulfilled.
There is no right or wrong way to share, spend, or save money between you and your significant other. It's also a choice to combine or keep money separate from one another.
However, every couple should feel comfortable expressing their needs regarding finances and money issues.
Not being on the same page as your spouse can cause significant money issues.
For example, your husband may be a big spender, while you may be a big saver- so it may upset you when he spends all your combined money on things he wants and needs while you're trying to buy groceries and pay all the bills.
Not all couples share their finances. Not all couples separate their finances. However, poor communication regarding finances can cause stress and hurt feelings, no matter whether you keep the finances separate or combine them in a joint account.
Through healthy dialogue, finding a balance between splitting and sharing that suits your money personality is your safest option.
Sharing Finances
When you share finances, you may have a joint account where your income goes into one bank account.
You'll divide what goes to rent, mortgage, and bills from your joint account in addition to pulling funds for individual needs, such as hygienic supplies and separate hobbies or interests.
Joint finances work best for some married couples - just as long as you're always on the same page or you're able to get back to a shared understanding even when you have different money points of view.
Pros of Sharing Finances
Simplistic and effective: When you both share the exact financial needs, such as groceries, bills, and rent, the combined finances are as simple as transferring straight out of your joint account.
Savings add up faster: Buying a house or property together will become much easier when you add to the joint savings account, especially compared to separately trying to build those savings, where there is no real financial accountability to each other.
Difficulty in hiding money: No one person controls the other person's spending habits. Sharing finances means you can quickly go over the banking history and figure out what others are doing with the money.
You feel supported by each other: Combining income into one account can give the sense of a better cushion, which makes things easier for emergencies and helps you be able to encourage each other to take more risks with careers and ambitions.
Cons of Sharing Finances
Financial affairs may not be even: If your spouse has debts, sharing money becomes your debt.
Goodbye financial freedom: When you share finances, you may feel obligated to communicate with your partner before splurging on personal items.
Imbalanced income: If one spouse makes more than the other, it could result in resentment. For example, your spouse may feel entitled to over half of the money in your account because he makes more - and vice versa.
Divorce and separation become extremely difficult: If you were to end your marriage, imagine the discussion you would have about separating and dividing finances into what is fair.
If you're interested in seeing what couples financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my hour-long complimentary consultation!
Separating Finances
If you choose to manage finances via separate accounts, you both should communicate how you'll divide expenses, such as paying rent and other bills.
Perhaps one person is responsible for buying all the groceries while the other is responsible for paying all the utility bills.
I personally prefer choosing a % of the total shared expenses that each of you will cover — it must add up to 100%, of course! — and then paying for things accordingly.
Whatever you decide, it should be communicated and fully trusted that both sides are in agreement.
Pros of Separating Finances
Personal freedom: When finances are separate, you have the freedom to buy things your spouse thinks are silly and vice versa.
More privacy: If you make more than your partner, you may prefer to stay more private about your finances so that there is no resentment. With privacy comes less stress or the feeling that you must go to your spouse if you want to buy a new purse or take your sister out for lunch.
Easier to buy gifts: If you'd like to get your partner a nice gift for their birthday, or their mother something nice for Mother's Day, you can feel more confident that they won't find out - if it's for a good cause.
Separation is more manageable: If communication is not your marriage's strong suit, separating with your own bank account will help you transition into a singular lifestyle.
Cons of Separating Finances
The feeling of being equal may go out the window: If one spouse makes more than the other, resentment may also arise because what's yours is yours, and the "his money is his" mindset comes into play.
Insecurity and trust issues: Your partner may feel as though you haven't been honest with your spending habits if, for example, you say you can't afford your part of a shared bill.
Complications: Who pays for what? How can we make this equal? Without a joint bank account, problems such as where your combined finances go may arise.
In the end, separate finances give you a sense of being free with your money and not feeling as if someone is watching over you, whereas sharing finances requires both parties to give up at least some of that control.
Finding the sweet spot between and among these concerns can make all the difference.
Why Talking About Money Is Important
It's never too late to talk about money, financial decisions, and investment strategies with your spouse. Communication about personal needs, wants, desires, and finances is crucial to have when it comes to maintaining a healthy marriage.
Talking about money can help resolve conflicts such as trust issues or insecurities about finances and help you understand each other's personal money values and perspectives.
Talking about money is essential because it allows you to:
Gain an understanding of where you both stand with your finances.
Help balance combined finances vs separate/personal finances.
Help identify financial goals, whether joint or individual.
Gain and maintain a balanced relationship and household.
Leave no room for resentment or misunderstanding. No one feels singled out.
Ensure that everyone is heard.
How To Talk to Your Partner About Money
Money can be an uncomfortable and sensitive conversation. Some couples want to avoid the "money talk" altogether. They may feel awkward discussing the need for extra money or feel guilty about their spending habits or paying their fair share of household finances.
To avoid anxiety about "the talk," try scheduling a money meeting. First, show your partner how you do things, and then allow them to share how they do things (in a general sense).
Next, you'll discuss whether it's more important for your marriage to combine accounts or do things separately. Most couples like to have both account types set up - one joint and two individuals. Then, discuss what will go where and for which reason.
Lastly, you'll want to reiterate each other's money goals to ensure you are encouraging and supporting one another throughout your marriage.
Make time monthly to reassess your financial situation to provide comfort and understanding, with at least one of you doing a quick check of accounts 2 to 4x per month.
Withholding Money: The Impact on the Relationship
Withholding money is a sign of abuse in your marriage and has many adverse effects. It doesn't look like financial or verbal abuse, but it has similar consequences.
It can cause you to feel isolated in your marriage and damage your mental health. You may think you aren't worth it to have the money or deserve the money problems.
It can cause you to stop trusting your spouse and complicate your financial circumstances, especially if you plan to leave. Withholding money can be a top reason you can't have a successful marriage, making it seem impossible to find a middle ground.
Identifying Financial Abuse
Knowing how to identify financial abuse is crucial to your emotional and physical well-being. If you think, 'My husband doesn't share money with me,' consider if you notice any of these signs in your relationship:
Controls how you spend money, constantly asking questions about your spending or stalking you.
Controls the bank account, even if it's a joint account, where you should have equal access.
Tries to control where and when you work, involving himself where his opinion doesn't belong.
Refuses to discuss financial issues or financial goals with you.
Doesn't show affection unless you do what he says regarding the finances.
Makes you feel guilty for asking for money.
What To Do if You’re Experiencing Financial Abuse
Financial abuse is when your partner has complete control over anything to do with money and prevents you from contributing or controls every penny you spend. Financial abuse can result in financial infidelity and a sense of alienation.
Take note of the signs of financial abuse. The best way to break free of financial abuse is to:
Gather paperwork such as ownership papers, marriage certificates, and bank statements to gain some control back.
Cancel joint accounts and shared credit cards.
Change shared passwords.
Hire a lawyer and a psychologist for mental health reasons.
Check your credit report for any changes that you didn't agree to.
Open your own bank account.
Have an escape plan if the conflict is not resolved.
FAQs
What Happens to Assets in Divorce?
Unless stated otherwise in a written document like a prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreements, assets will be divided based on the laws of your state.
Sometimes, this means a 50/50 split, and sometimes, it means an "equitable" division, as determined by a court.
Here, it is important to understand the distinction between separate property and marital property.
What if We Can't Agree on Money?
The best solution for finding common ground within your marriage on money is to seek help from a financial coach for couples.
Can a Husband Withhold Money From His Wife Legally?
Unfortunately, there aren't any laws stating how a husband and wife must handle money during a marriage. You won't have any legal rights to go after your spouse for not sharing money with you.
The only legal action you could take is during divorce. However, if you seek professional support from a reputable financial counselor, you may learn how to have open communication and get on the same page financially.
Marriage Is About Being a Team, and That Includes Finances
What should I do? My husband says his money is his.
The first thing you need to do is discuss financial matters before things escalate to financial abuse or infidelity. Find common ground between you and your significant other so that money is treated and managed as a team.
If you cannot resolve your money issues on your own, it may be best to speak with a professional financial coach.
Or click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now, and get a free tool tailored to your "type" to help you strengthen your financial relationship.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
