How To Fix a Relationship After Constant Fighting
Did you have a nasty fight over something small and ridiculous again?
Words were said, and feelings were hurt. You may even be thinking to yourself, "It's over. I'm done," although a part of you wants to make things better and knows things could be good again.
Your feelings are what brought you to research relationship advice. You're tired because it seems every conversation turns into an argument, and negative emotions run high.
You may even wonder how to stop a bad fight because it seems to make things worse every time you try.
This article explores ways, even when there has been constant fighting in a relationship, to save that relationship.
How To Fix a Relationship After Constant Fighting
Rebuilding your relationship after a fight and emotional damage can be challenging; however, you must listen and understand to stop fighting.
So, if you're wondering how to reconnect with your partner, here are some things you can do.
Give Each Other Space
Within reason, there shouldn't be time limits when someone needs space during or after a terrible fight. Sometimes, giving each other space will resolve the conflict on its own; other times, your partner may require a full day or even more to get their wits about them.
Address Your Feelings and Emotions: Vulnerability
Once you both are ready to readdress the situation, ensure that your feelings are heard. State your needs, both materially and emotionally, and let them know where any line has been crossed or expectations thwarted.
Bottom Line: allow them to understand why you're feeling emotional by getting it out in the open, and then return the favor.
Communicate
Communication is one of the most challenging things because each individual has their own perspective and way of portraying what and how they mean something.
Effective communication can consist of:
Using "I" statements such as "I feel xxx when xxx happens" rather than "You made me feel xxx"
Listening to understand, not to respond
A genuine apology for the impact of your actions, even if unintended
Repeating what you hear your partner say and asking for reassurance in your understanding
Evaluate Where Your Arguments Stem From
After actively listening and interpreting their feelings, you can find the root cause of the disagreement.
This process helps you both stay on point and then leaves you much better equipped to develop a solution or compromise. Remember that it is unnecessary to bring up past arguments unless they contribute to solving the one you're on.
Make a Future Plan
After creating a solution:
Acknowledge how healthy that argument was
Give positive reinforcement to your partner and plan a couple's reward (to keep the relationship on track)
Take what you've learned, enforce respect, and (re)commit to making an active effort to have each other feel validated and appreciated throughout your relationship
Speak With a Couples Coach or Therapist
If you want to achieve this progress with greater ease or speed, then therapy might be in the cards for the two of you. Consider speaking to a couples counselor about any existing arguments or disagreements that cannot seem to be resolved.
Why Do Couples Fight?
Couples fight for many reasons, including financial struggles, a difference in opinion about personal goals or values, and the amount of effort put into a relationship (or lack threof).
Perhaps the main reason arguments don't ever seem to end is because of a lack of communication or a misinterpretation of the other person's perspective.
It's not what you're saying, but it's the tone and the meaning behind your words that cause disconnection or negative thoughts.
The top five reasons couples fight are:
Physical Intimacy
Time/Freedom
Housework/Responsibilities
Is Fighting Always Bad?
Disagreements are completely normal, and fighting is not always a bad thing. Arguments can be healthy, helping you to see your partner's perspective and create boundaries that encourage growth, both as a team and individually.
On the other hand, is it normal to fight every day in a relationship? No.
How To Stop Fighting in a Relationship
After a big fight or disagreement, you can be left feeling disconnected, hurt, and exhausted. You may be wondering: Is this healthy? How do you heal after being emotionally damaged? How do you start over in a relationship?
But as mentioned, arguing can also be healthy, so what comes to mind for many people is, "How often do couples fight in a healthy relationship?"
While there is no definitive answer, in my experience, it's more about how you fight than how many times you fight.
So, how do you stop fighting in a relationship, or at least how do you fight better in a healthier way?
Dodge the Defensive
When you are defensive during an argument, you're communicating that your point or side is the only one that matters, not your partner's point or side.
In doing so, you're essentially telling your partner that you don't validate their feelings, and so becoming defensive can make your partner feel attacked, wronged, or blamed.
Instead, practice active listening with your partner: become supporive and curious, and validate their feeling. Then when they are finished sharing, respond with understanding, showing them you understand what they had to say.
Once that's complete, you can and should ask that they hear you out, too—you are a team, after all. Remember that you are on the same side, working together to resolve the issue.
Step Away and Cool Down
During a heated argument, your emotions may become heightened, which prevents you from reasoning. If you don't take the time to cool off and walk away, you may say things that you don't mean - sometimes, these words are unforgivable.
After taking a moment to calm down, you come into a more transparent state of mind.
Return to your disagreement only when you're feeling level-headed and after you have gained perspective on each other's feelings, or at least you're able to listen in a way that will help you gain that perspective.
Always Argue in Person
While it may seem easier to fight through text or on the phone, it's so easy to be misunderstood or hung up during a heated moment, which can do more harm than good.
When you text, you cannot read body language, hear the tone of voice, and see the other person's intention. Further, you can't initiate or ask for physical affection, which might calm your nervous system and help you show up in a healthy way.
With the exception of a long distance relationship, ensure your arguments are always in person. That way, you and your spouse will be able to stay on the same page and see the things that would otherwise be hidden through text and phone calls.
Set Boundaries
Creating boundaries benefits both you and your partner. While most argument start small, if boundaries are not clear, then that argument can escalate into a full-out screaming match.
When you yell at each other, especially if you're saying mean things, then you're essentially attacking one's character and creating dominance, the opposite of equity and partnership.
Boundaries are essentially rules for arguing. Some boundaries may include:
Stepping away when feelings become intense
Being self-aware of the way you're projecting your thoughts
There will be no yelling or abusive tactics during the argument
We will stay on point - there is no need to rehash past situations that were already resolved
Remember Why You're Together
Take time to reminisce about why you love each other - whether on your own time or together.
Understand that life happens, and people change through growth and experience; however, when you think about why you're together in the first place, it can bring you a sense of peace, thereby making disagreements easier to resolve.
Address Conflicts Right Away Or Set Clear Expectations About When You Will
Too often, couples leave an argument in a bad mood and do not get to say what they need to say, therefore feelings as if nothing has been resolved.
While it can be good to take a break, ensure you're not stonewalling your partner and making them feel unheard; otherwise, your following argument will rehash the previous one.
And if you're going to wait to talk, it can be a game-changer to decide when you're going to revisit the conversation, as this can decrease anxiety and bring a sense of calm.
If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about and can do for you, take advantage of my hour-long complimentary consultation!
Breaking the Cycle: How To Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over Again
Always fighting in a relationship can be exhausting, and having the same fight repeatedly is a common issue in relationships.
Fortunately, it's one you can overcome with a few simple steps. It starts with acknowledging the fight and what triggers it. Next, set a time to talk about the fight when both partners have a good mindset. Don't do this when you're triggered or angry.
During your conversation, actively listen to your partner about why they think the argument occurs and then problem-solve to determine how to avoid it.
Sometimes, it's something as simple as changing your choice of words or communicating better. Even small gestures can trigger a fight, so understanding the triggers and taking responsibility can help your relationship go in the right direction.
Don't expect the fighting to stop overnight, though. This can be a work in progress that requires constant conversation and habit adjusting to ensure you get on the same page and can stop having the same fight over and over again.
What Not To Do After a Fight
What you do when the fight is over is just as important as what you do during it. Knowing how to start a conversation after a fight is imperative. It may initially feel awkward, but it can set the tone for your relationship.
The most important thing is not to give your partner the cold shoulder if you want to learn how to move forward after a fight.
Instead, this is a time to communicate openly and actively listen to one another. You may both feel vulnerable or have hurt feelings, but not communicating only worsens things.
Use this time to give each other space if needed, offer apologies as warranted, and, most importantly, be kind. Small gestures, like making dinner, fixing their favorite snack, or leaving a little love note, are great ways to break the ice and get back on good terms.
Most importantly, don't broadcast your relationship issues on social media or jump on the phone with your best friend to rehash what happened.
Instead, respect each other's privacy and focus on how to move forward so you don't lose sight of why you fell in love in the first place.
How To Have a Healing Conversation With Your Partner
You don't need specialized training to have a healing conversation with your partner after an argument. It takes only empathy and a careful choice of words. Wait until you are both de-escalated and in a good mindset to talk openly and honestly.
The key is to keep an even tone in your voice and to actively listen. When you both feel seen and heard, you'll be better able to see how easy it is to move forward after a fight.
FAQs
Want to know more about resolving conflict and whether or not your relationship can be improved? Here are some common questions many couples ask:
What Is the Biggest Cause of Fighting in Relationships?
The most significant causes of fighting between couples are money and sex.
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is one-sided and constantly makes you feel unsupported, demeaned, attacked, or misunderstood.
Can All Relationships Be Fixed After Fighting?
Yes, most relationships can be fixed after fighting. However, repair takes commitment, change from both partners and teamwork to make the relationship last.
What Is the 3-Day Rule After an Argument?
The 3-day Rule is a common method to heal after an argument. All you have to do is take a 3-day break from talking to one another about the situation.
This gives both partners time to cool off and have a level-headed conversation. This reduces the risk of poor communication and more fights.
Can One Fight End a Relationship?
One fight shouldn't end a relationship, but it could happen if you don't know how to get over a fight with your partner. If you don't know how to start a conversation after an argument, consider seeking advice from relationship experts to move things forward.
Who Should Apologize First After an Argument?
There isn't a rule about who should apologize first after an argument. Both partners should take time to reflect after the argument and decide individually if they feel an apology is warranted. It must be heartfelt and not forced, or it can make things worse.
Is It Normal To Feel Disconnected From Your Partner After a Fight?
It's perfectly normal to feel disconnected from your partner after a fight. Hard feelings can ensue when you don't see eye-to-eye or feel like the right partner is taking responsibility for the fight.
However, learning how to deal with those feelings and overcome them is important to work on your relationship issues.
Your Relationship Can Move Forward
Constant fighting in a relationship results in emotional damage, lack of trust and respect, and makes you question what is healthy.
If you find yourself wondering how to save your relationship, or if you're struggling with how to reconnect with your partner, then your best solution may be to consider couples counseling.
Click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz now!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
