Jan 21 My Husband* Stole Money From My Bank Account: 6 Steps You Need To Take Now

*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship

Thinking, "My husband stole money from my bank account," is never a good feeling. It can even happen in a marriage you thought was happy and not headed for divorce.

But if your spouse steals your money earned, it can feel as bad as physical cheating.

Here are six steps to take if you worry about your marital property, identity theft, and financial information.

My Husband Stole Money From My Bank Account - Understanding the Problem

If you suddenly notice you're joint bank account is missing money, you might think you overspent and didn't realize it.

If it continues, you may conclude that your spouse is stealing money from you, even if you own bank accounts together.

This could happen if you have a joint account or separate accounts. If you have a specific agreement on how to spend money and your spouse doesn't follow the decisions you made together, then depending on that agreement and the context, you might consider it stealing.

Of course, it's also stealing money if your spouse takes money from an account you own separately from him or if he racks up credit card debt without telling you.

The key to deciding what to do is understanding the problem by getting to the root of the problem. It could be revenge if you're in the middle of separating or divorcing.

But if you were on good terms, there could be other issues one spouse experiences, like addiction, that you should consider and seek proper help to solve.

Steps To Take if Your Husband Stole Money From Your Bank Account

If you think my husband stole money from my bank account, here are six steps to handle the financial matters and stop your spouse from taking money from you.

Step 1: Recognizing the Signs and Gathering Evidence

Before pointing fingers, it's important to have proof of what you think happened. Look for small signs of issues, including:

Financial infidelity - Is your spouse stealing money because he has something to hide? He may have a gambling or drinking addiction that prompts him to steal money and not tell you for fear of causing arguments. He may also have a spending problem and doesn't want you to see the credit card statements, so he takes the stolen money to pay the bill and hides it from you.
Tracking expenses - Comb through your financial statements, looking for expenses you don't recognize or withdrawals you didn't discuss with your spouse. Keep track of the expenses that make you suspicious and look into them further.
Check your credit report - Pull your credit reports often, checking for unrecognizable balances or balances from credit card companies you know you didn't contact for a new credit card.
Theft - If you feel your spouse steals from your checking or savings account, document each incident with the appropriate bank statement. Most banks allow you to look back six months to a year so you can document each incident, even if you didn't recognize it at the time.

Step 2: Confronting and Communicating With Your Husband

It's time to talk with your husband after gathering the evidence and knowing your talking points. This isn't a time to point blame. If you're trying to save the marriage, make the conversation simple and helpful with these tips:

Remain calm - Initiate the conversation with your husband when you can think clearly and after you've calmed down from the anger over the theft. Yelling elevates matters, so wait until you can have a calm conversation.
Be matter of fact - Remaining calm is one thing, but that doesn't mean you should hide your feelings. Let your husband know how his actions hurt you emotionally, not to mention your financial matters. For example, if you can't cover the bills because of the theft, it's something to discuss.
Ask for honesty and accountability - When you initiate the conversation, ask your husband to be honest, no matter how much his words might hurt. You must know the truth of the situation to determine the next steps.

Step 3: Securing Your Finances and Preventing Future Incidents

If you don't feel like you get through to your spouse, consider securing your financial documents and accounts to prevent future theft.

Here are a few steps to consider:

Change passwords and PINs - If you have your own bank account, change all passwords and PINs to make it more difficult for your spouse to access the funds.
Monitor your accounts - Most banks offer 24/7 online access to your bank accounts. Use the opportunity to proactively check your transactions daily to ensure no unauthorized transactions occur.
Add extra security measures - Consider adding two-factor authentication or contacting the credit bureaus to freeze your credit. This ensures your spouse cannot open any new accounts in your name.
Close joint accounts - If you own joint accounts and think the relationship may end or worry your spouse needs more help to stop stealing money, close any joint bank accounts and open individual accounts.
Get new credit card numbers - Contact your credit card company to ask for a new card, stating your credit card was stolen.
Put a fraud alert on your credit report - A fraud alert on your credit report prompts a credit card company, bank, or lender to verify that you approved the application before processing it. This allows you to stop the application if your spouse used your Social Security number to apply for new credit without asking.

Step 4: Setting Financial Boundaries

If the financial boundaries you created aren't working, revisit them, and together, create a plan to avoid feeling like your spouse steals from you.

Have a spending threshold that each spouse can use without asking, and have steps in place to discuss higher spending limits together.

For now, you may also consider taking control of the bank accounts to ensure both partners handle money how they should and that you can cover all bills and living expenses.

Step 5: Seeking Professional Help or Counseling for Relationship Issues

Most money problems stem from a lack of communication and trust in the relationship. Seeking financial counseling with your husband can help you work through the relationship and money issues.

Together, you'll discover the problems and how to fix them, including managing money better so neither spouse feels like they must steal money.

Step 6: Considering Legal Options if Necessary

If things have gotten out of control and you're ready to contact a divorce attorney, you may consider taking more legal action, such as filing a police report for theft or fraud charges.

Before doing this, know there's no taking this back, so ensure you've exhausted all options to settle the issue peacefully first. Also, consult with legal counsel for guidance on the risks and possible outcomes regarding these serious legal actions.

Should I Consider Ending the Relationship?

No one can tell you if you should end your marriage. The key is to determine the root cause of the problems and discover if you can fix them.

Discussing the relationship and depth of the issues with a financial counselor is the best option before deciding to end the relationship unless you feel your safety is at risk.

Is It Common for Financial Issues To Lead to the Breakdown of Relationships?

Money is one of the top three causes of divorce in America, as is infidelity, which stealing money can be considered financial infidelity.

So, it is common for financial issues to cause relationships to end; however, there is help. Getting professional support and allowing a neutral third party to help you look at the situation holistically can save your marriage.

How To Rebuild Trust in My Relationship After My Husband Stole My Money

It can be challenging to trust your spouse after thinking, "Is he stealing my money?" The key is to move slowly and only do what you're comfortable doing. Here are some tips:

Listen to him - Try to use empathy when listening to your husband's reasons for the financial issues, and support him if he's willing to accept help to stop the issues.
Set boundaries - Rebuilding trust doesn't mean giving in and letting your spouse steal again. Set boundaries that allow both partners to feel supported during the process.
Have support - Accept support from a family member, friend, or professional therapist. You need an outlet for your feelings and to learn how to rebuild trust in your spouse.

FAQs

What Should I Do if My Husband Refuses To Take Responsibility for Stealing the Money?

It can be frustrating if your husband won't accept responsibility for stealing the money.

Try working with a professional to see if together you can break down the barriers and find the root cause of the issue. Sometimes, having an experienced professional dig deeper, people learn to open up about the issues.

How Can I Ensure That This Type of Theft Does Not Happen Again in the Future?

After discussing how to move forward with your spouse, protect yourself. Have security steps in place, such as changing passwords and PINs and adding two-factor authentication. Also, continually monitor your accounts to catch any theft before it gets out of hand.

Should I Consult With a Financial Planner To Help Me Navigate the Financial Implications of My Husband's Actions?

A financial therapist may be a better option to help you and your husband work through the financial issues caused by the stealing. You can simultaneously work on your relationship and finances to build a stronger relationship.

Is It Possible for Financial Challenges To Bring Us Closer Together as a Couple?

Mistakes and challenges are always opportunities to grow, including in your marriage. If you are willing to tackle the problem together, learn to problem solve, and put new procedures in place, you may come out of this stronger and happier than before.

You Can Find Financial Unity Again Despite the Setback

You work hard for your assets, and the last thing you want is someone to steal from you, especially your spouse.

Sometimes, it's a misunderstanding that needs counseling to work through, while other times, a spouse is found guilty of the theft and must come clean.

If you think my husband stole money from my bank account, it's not a fast pass to a divorce attorney. There are steps you can take to reset the boundaries and rebuild trust.

The key is getting proper help to address the issues within the relationship and regain happiness in your marriage.

If you're ready to get your marriage back on track and stop the money issues, schedule a consultation today!

Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!

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Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.

Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.

Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.