Help! What Do I Do If My Wife or Husband and I Have Different Ideas About Money?
In this article, I will focus on what to do if / when you and your spouse have different priorities about money.
Before we start, I want to emphasize that this is extremely common.
Sometimes it's at a high level, i.e. one of you really values living in the now while the other puts more emphasis on security. These values may make a person tend toward spending more now or saving more now, respectively.
This can create tension if the person who wants security is anxious when the other person spends. And for the person who likes to live — and spend — in the present, the may feel restricted by their partner’s preferences, comments, attitudes, etc. This can lead to feelings of restriction, frustration, irritation, annoyance, resentment, and the like…
This can make for some funky dynamics.
You, reader, may be in either a position in this relationship. And let me be clear: neither one is better or worse, good or bad. Any approach has its strengths and its challenges.
My default is more on the saver side: I want to make sure I’m getting a great deal on everything I buy, whether it saves a penny or $100. In my journey, I’ve worked to kind of free up a bit, spending on things that feel and seem worth it and important to me.
But how can you handle it if you and your partner have different priorities, points of view, and/or values around money?
The first thing you want to do is just understand your own priorities better. This goes beyond just understanding your priorities. For example, let’s say you’re all about living in the now….ask yourself why you want to live in the now. Where does that come from, and what does it mean to you to live in the now versus to hold back in the moment?
Perhaps your parents lived that way, or maybe they were the opposite and you saw how miserable it made them, leading you to want to do things differently. Or maybe someone close to you died at a young age and was unable to spend all the money they worked so hard to get.
Secondly, let’s get concrete (the adjective, not the noun). Ask yourself: What is it that I'm looking for?
Maybe you seek adventure or glamour. If that’s the case, then consider how you can have those things AND also tend to other longer-term goals! For example, a fancy picnic may feel glamorous without a bill a fraction of that from a fancy restaurant. Maybe you can get your makeup done for free in the mall. Don’t be afraid to get creative!
If you’re more about security and saving, ask yourself as well what this looks like in reality. For example, how many months worth of expenses do you want to have in your emergency fund as a buffer for any unforeseen events? Find clarity around what the actual number would be, and you will no longer have to tumble with the tides, with a bottomless need for seeing more and more money in the bank. And instead, you can find smooth sailing in knowing you have a sensible amount that maybe can’t provide for every possible thing that can happen, but it can cover the significant majority of reasonable possibilities.
Third, once you’ve done this work, then you can sit down with your spouse or significant other and have these conversations together.
Keep this in mind: they’re most likely not being a jerk on purpose! Just like you have experiences, fears, and desires that lead to your behaviors and attitudes, they are in the same boat.
Plus, I *PROMISE* you that there’s at least some agreement between you two around finances. Want to see?
True of False: each of you wants to live their best lives and for your family to thrive?
Hopefully you both answered “true”! So, with nods to Deep Blue Something, like Breakfast at Tiffany’s, at least that’s “one thing we’ve got.”
Once you start to discover all of that under the surface, then you can look at some ways to:
Heal whatever pieces of your money story and money mindset are not working for you. and
Work together for options and approaches that will work for both of you.
The options are limitless, including having some separate money and separate accounts even if you also have joint money and a joint account.
But if we're just on the surface of: ”Why do you never let me spend?!”, or ”Why are you always trying to spend money?”…If you stay on that level, you're going to continue to have the same results that you've been having.
This could lead to bitterness, which may translate to anger and/or avoidance of the topic altogether, which trust me - I've seen it before - it is not a good place to be.
To summarize, the steps here are to:
Take a deep breath.
Remember your partner's not being a jerk on purpose.
Start to dig into and understand why you have the mindset, preferences, and behaviors that you have around money, as well as what it would look like concretely for you to be content.
Then, invite your partner into a conversation where you can get beneath the surface, share what you’ve discovered, and figure out how to create a good life that honors each of your unique personalities.
And then once you're there, you'll be able to talk compromise and find common ground.
It doesn't mean it's going to be perfect or 100% eye-to-eye, but these kinds of conversations will go a long way toward making sure each of you has what you need to be happy and thrive both individually and in the relationship.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
