My Wife* Doesn't Contribute Financially: Advice & What To Do
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
No one likes to talk about money, but it's a necessary topic of conversation in any healthy relationship.
If you have a partner who doesn't contribute to financial responsibilities, there are some important things to discuss before moving forward together. This article will go over how those conversations can begin and what you need to know when talking about finances with your partner.
Is It Ok for a Wife to Not Contribute Financially?
There's no single answer to this question, as it depends on each couple's circumstances, financial goals, and how they earn and spend money.
Contributing financially can take many forms; for example, if both partners are working and bringing in an income, it may be reasonable to expect each person to contribute a similar amount to the household expenses and all the bills.
However, if one partner is stay-at-home or doesn't work outside the home, their financial contribution may differ. Perhaps they contribute by taking care of the house and family while the other partner works or brings in an income.
In any case, it's important to discuss finances with your partner to agree on what is fair and reasonable, which also helps you achieve your goals as a family unit. If one person feels like they are shouldering the majority of the financial burden, it can lead to resentment over time.
Shouldn't My Wife Be Financially Independent?
Every couple has different ideas about how they should handle finances. Some individuals will only settle for each partner having financial independence, and others are perfectly fine relying on their spouse for their finances.
Realistically, it's a good idea for each partner to be able to stand on their own financially. This ensures that no matter what happens in the future, each spouse can cover their daily expenses and reach their financial goals.
This doesn't mean, however, that a wife cannot depend on her husband. This is common when raising a family or in other circumstances that don't allow a wife to work.
How Much Should Each Spouse Contribute to the Household Expenses?
It's a question that has been asked since the dawn of marriage— how much should each spouse contribute to the household expenses? Of course, there is no easy answer, as each couple has its unique financial situation, but there are a few general principles that can help guide the decision.
It is essential to consider each spouse's income and ability to pay as if one spouse earns significantly more than the other, it may make sense for them to contribute a larger share of the expenses.
Similarly, if one spouse has (more) outstanding debts or other financial obligations, they may not be able to contribute as much even if they have a similar income.
Alternatively, you could still each contribute 50% to the household expenses, keeping the rest for personal expenses, whether debt payments or otherwise.
Ways to Split Up Finances
There are several different ways that couples can split up their finances. The most important thing is to find a system that works for both partners and that each partner is comfortable with.
One Spouse Pays for Everything
In this arrangement, one spouse is responsible for all household expenses. This can be a good option for couples with very different incomes or significant financial obligations, which make it very difficult for them to contribute equally.
50/50
Neither spouse is financially dependent, as each spouse contributes an equal share of the household expenses in this arrangement.
For couples who have similar incomes and financial obligations, this can be an excellent way to split up the expenses; however, it is essential to be flexible and adjust the arrangement as needed.
For example, suppose one spouse has a higher income or fewer financial obligations. In that case, they may be able to contribute a larger share of the expenses — remember that even if income and financial obligations are equal now, those will shift over time.
Split as a Percentage of Each Partner's Income
With this setup, each partner contributes the same percentage of their income to the household expenses.
For example, if one spouse earns $70,000 per year and the other spouse earns $30,000 per year, the first spouse may contribute 70% of the household expenses while the second spouse contributes 30%.
For the folks who like to understand the numbers, calculate the total household income, which is $100k. Spouse A earns $70k, which is 70% of $100k, so they would cover 70% of the household expenses.
This option can be an excellent way to split up costs for couples with different incomes, with each person offering financial support for their household bills and monthly expenses that are relative to their income.
If the percentages don't work perfectly, you can always tweak them, but they're at least a good place to start.
Allocate Specific Bills or Expenses to Each Spouse
In this arrangement, each spouse is responsible for specific bills or expenses. For instance, one spouse may be paying for the mortgage while the other spouse is responsible for the utilities.
This can be a good option for couples who want to keep their money separate but have shared expenses; otherwise, trying to coordinate and calculate splits for each shared item can be cumbersome.
But this approach also invites tension where the split costs are not consistent each month. Imagine, for example, that you pay for the groceries. At some point, your significant other watched a documentary and now wants to eat only organic produce, which costs much more, yet you have to bear 100% of that cost increase.
If you're the type to scrutinize each purchase your partner makes, then this approach may be a particular challenge for you.
Other Ways To Contribute Financially Without Making Money
If contributing financially isn't possible for your wife, there are other ways she can contribute financially without working.
Create and manage the budget: Your wife can be in charge of the budget, creating it, ensuring it's followed, and communicating with her husband about it to ensure both parties are on the same page, especially regarding spending decisions. Having open communication about the budget ensures you reach your financial goals as a couple and use the monthly income properly.
Pay the bills: Making money is one thing, but paying the bills is another responsibility and chore that working husbands may not have time to handle. Taking control of ensuring the household bills are paid on time is a key way to contribute financially.
Track financial goals: Setting financial goals is the first step to financial stability, but next, you must determine how to meet them. Tracking your progress ensures you understand where you stand financially and any necessary changes. Again, open communication is the key for this to work.
What's the Problem — How Financial Inequality Can Hurt Relationships
Financial inequality can put a strain on even the strongest of relationships. When one partner feels like they are shouldering most of the financial burden, it can lead to different feelings:
Feeling Taken Advantage Of
When one partner feels like they are paying more than their fair share— especially if the other person's spending habits negatively impact their financial health— it can lead to feelings of being taken advantage of. This is a significant source of tension in a relationship and leads to arguments and resentment.
Feeling Overworked
If one partner is working two jobs or putting in extra hours at their job, it can lead to feelings of being overworked, especially if the other person is able but not willing to match them. This can cause stress and lead to burnout and other health problems.
Not Enough Money To Pay Bills
When one partner is responsible for all household expenses, it can be challenging to make ends meet. This can lead to financial issues and can cause stress in the relationship — after all, money is the #1 stressor in relationships!
No Disposable Income
If all household income is used to pay bills and there is no disposable income, it can be challenging to enjoy life. This can lead to feelings of being trapped, which can cause stress in the relationship, as well.
How To Address Financial Inequality
To address financial inequality in a relationship, it is essential to discuss it with your partner. It is also crucial to understand and consider each other's needs and feelings.
Create a Plan
Creating a plan for how money is allocated can help address the problems caused by financial inequality by encouraging teamwork and facilitating financial progress for your family. The most important thing is to find a system that you both agree on.
Decide on a Budget
Deciding on a budget can help address financial inequality by ensuring that all expenses are considered and that you're staying on track with your plan.
However, it is also essential to be flexible so you can make adjustments as needed — including good ones like possibly increasing your budget when you get a raise or after eliminating a debt!
Communicate
When it comes to financial inequality in a relationship, communication is vital. Couples need to talk about their priorities, feelings about money, and each other's role in the relationship.
It is also essential to listen to each other and be understanding, getting to know each other's hopes, dreams, fears, and worries.
It wouldn't hurt to sit down and have a heart-to-heart, and I even recommend having that kind of conversation before you tackle anything on the numbers side of things.
How a Financial Coach or Therapist Can Help
Couples struggling with financial inequality may benefit from working with a financial coach or therapist. These professionals can help couples communicate about their finances and make a plan to address any disparities.
They can also provide support and guidance as needed. If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my hour-long complimentary consultation!
What if Nothing Changes, and I Still Feel Resentful?
It can feel frustrating when you try to implement changes in your relationship, yet you still feel resentful. Here are some ways you can help yourself and your family.
Focus on Yourself
If you feel overwhelmed by your wife not paying bills, focus on yourself for a while. Determine why you feel this way. Is it how you were brought up, and now it has become a part of your money story?
You may be hanging on to old ideas or thoughts of what a marriage should look like, and when it doesn't look how you anticipated, you may feel disappointed.
Talk about your thoughts, disappointments, and ideas to see if you feel any different. You may find that by processing your thoughts and coming up with other ways to feel appreciated in your relationship rather than resentful.
Protect Yourself
If you worry about the security of your marriage, you may consider protecting your finances so you aren't taken advantage of should you end up in divorce court.
That isn't the plan, but protecting your finances may provide you with peace of mind 'just in case.' Work with a financial professional to ensure your finances are adequately protected while also ensuring you properly care for your family, no matter what happens to the marriage.
Set Boundaries
Only you know what you will accept when your wife refuses to help financially. Setting financial boundaries can provide you with greater peace, knowing you are providing for your family finances and aren't being taken advantage of by your spouse.
Working with a financial coach can help you determine the proper boundaries and properly discuss them with your wife to ensure she is on the same page and doesn't become resentful.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People
Talking about finances can feel weird, but you never know when someone else is in the same position as you.
Determine the people closest to you to whom you're willing to open up about your financial situation. You might be surprised at the amount of support you receive and even ideas you didn't consider.
Consider your Next Steps
If you can't shake the feelings of resentment, get professional support. A financial advisor can help you make heads or tails out of your finances, but a financial coach can help you with your finances and marriage simultaneously, getting both partners on the same page.
FAQs
Are Wives Who Don't Contribute Financially Viewed Differently Than Husbands Who Don't Contribute Financially?
There is a general perception that wives who don't financially contribute are viewed differently than husbands who don't contribute financially.
This is likely because historically, women have been seen as homemakers, and men have been seen as breadwinners. While this perception is changing, it is still a factor in many relationships, especially where I grew up seeing the old-school approach.
Is Financial Irresponsibility Grounds for Divorce?
No — financial irresponsibility alone isn't grounds for divorce. However, it can be a significant source of tension in a relationship and lead to other problems, so you'll want to tackle it.
What Should You Do When Your Spouse Won't Talk About Money?
If your spouse won't talk about money, it can be challenging to address financial inequality in the relationship. However, it is essential to try to communicate about the issue and understand your partner's feelings.
You may also want to consider working with a financial coach or therapist to help address the issue.
Should I Give My Partner an Ultimatum To Change Their Behavior?
It's usually not conducive to the relationship or your goals to threaten your spouse. An ultimatum may feel like a way to make your spouse jump when you say jump, but it could also push her the other way.
It's best to have healthy responses and ideas to properly handle your financial issues within the marriage without feeling the need to threaten.
Am I Responsible for My Spouse's Financial Troubles if We Keep Our Money Separate?
Some couples choose to have separate accounts instead of a joint account to manage their personal finances. In this case, you may wonder if you're responsible for their financial pitfalls.
Well, yes and no.
From a legal perspective, unless you have an agreement otherwise, debts and earnings that arise during a marriage typically belong to both of the spouses.
On the other hand, if you bring debts or earnings into the marriage, those usually remain your "separate property" unless "commingled." If you want to find out more about these issues and how they might apply to your situation, you can speak with a licensed attorney.
Assuming you stay married or aren't married at all, then you may not be responsible for your spouse's financial troubles if you keep your money in separate bank accounts.
However, it is important to be understanding and supportive if your spouse has financial difficulties. You may also want to consider working together to address the financial details so you both can achieve financial success, individually and together. It always feels good to have a teammate!
Remember, even if their financial challenges don't directly affect your finances, they can still affect you and your relationship. For instance, if they're having a tough time, they may not be able to go on that vacation with you or contribute enough to have the wedding you want.
Further, financial struggles cause stress that can spill into other areas of their lives, including how they feel and act with you and other loved ones. Plus, if they're unable to cover their agreed share of any joint expenses, then that burden may fall to you, which can be a challenging issue to navigate.
Financial Harmony Is Just Around the Corner
Financial inequality in a relationship can be a significant source of tension; therefore, it is crucial to communicate about the issues, understand each other's needs and feelings, and agree on a joint vision for financial prosperity.
Working with a financial coach or therapist can benefit couples struggling with financial inequality. They can help couples communicate about their finances, discuss financial planning, and make a plan to address inequality.
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Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
