Advice: I'm Tired of Financially Supporting My Husband*
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
It can be exhausting if you're supporting your entire family, including your husband, financially.
There is already a lot of pressure on women to do everything in the household, whether you have one child or multiple children. Then, adding the burden of carrying everyone financially and covering the bills can almost be too much.
If you're tired of financially supporting your husband, keep reading to see how you can change the dynamic of your financial relationship while saving your marriage.
The Emotional Toll of Financially Supporting Your Husband
An imbalance of financial responsibility is when most of the stress of financially supporting your family falls on one spouse. It can be draining, cause stress, and make one spouse resentful of another, especially when it falls on the wife.
When a wife feels like she is working all the time while her husband 'sits at home,' it can cause hard feelings. Even if that's not even the truth of the situation, even if he's unable to find a better job despite real efforts, it can still cause tremendous stress in the house.
Sometimes, hard feelings stem from misinformation and other times, the different money stories each party brings to the relationship are key causes.
For example, if you went into the marriage assuming you'd be a stay-at-home mom, but your husband has been unable to find a job that makes it possible, or your husband otherwise ignores your desire to stay home, then naturally, it can lead to arguments.
Mismatched expectations are always a challenge in relationships, especially with romantic partners!
Your financial situation may also feel unbalanced or unfair if one spouse spends a lot of money while the other is frugal.
For non-spending spouses, it can feel like their partner is unsupportive when they spend too much or don't share the available money so that each person can enjoy what they have.
It all boils down to partners not being on the same financial page, which typically comes from some mix of not having the same money story or money ideas, ineffective communication, and/or lacking a plan.
Whether it started in your childhood and the money story you grew up with, or it's just the way you look at money today if your spouse doesn't view cash the same way, it can cause immeasurable stress, especially if you believe that the husband should work and the other spouse/wife should stay home.
What Does a Financial Imbalance of Responsibilities Look Like
A financial imbalance of responsibilities can take on many different looks. While it's important to find a middle ground eventually, here are some ways that real-life couples experience financial imbalances:
Example One: Can't Find a Job
Your husband just graduated from school with his MBA and hasn't been able to find a job in his industry. With unemployment levels low, he's even unable to find a job that's 'beneath' him, leaving all the responsibility on you.
If you work full-time or own your own business, you might come home exasperated and frustrated to see that your husband was home all day with the kids while you were out working hard. And if he hasn't maintained the home during the day, it can be all the more frustrating.
Example Two: No Motivation
Your husband lost his job and, with it, his desire to try something else. He was at his job for 15 years, and the loss of his job was such a blow that he lost motivation to do much in life.
In the meantime, you've had to pick up a side gig to make ends meet in addition to the full-time job you already had, plus take care of the kids.
Example Three: Won't Look for Employment
Your husband has been out of work for six months. You've gone through your emergency fund in your joint checking account and are now turning to family members for financial help.
Your household bills are stacking up, and you feel like you're at your wit's end because your husband won't look for another job.
Plus, he was the one who also carried the health insurance for you and your family, which makes you especially anxious since a family member has chronic health challenges.
Example Four: Manipulation
Your husband invited your in-laws to come live with you because they were having financial trouble.
You technically consented, but it was more like he twisted your arm, and you felt super guilty about saying no, especially since your kids love their grandparents and were excited when they heard about the possibility.
The only problem is your family unit barely had enough money to cover its own needs, and now you have to take care of your in-laws, too. Your husband hasn't made any efforts to earn more money, so the burden is left on you to make more money to support your now-larger household.
What To Do if You're Tired of Financially Supporting Your Husband
Talking about earning and spending money, retirement savings and investments, and just making ends meet can be uncomfortable even with your partner, the closest person to you!
If you didn't have regular 'money meetings' before, suddenly bringing it up now, even if it's for obvious reasons, can feel stressful and be met with resentment from both the giver and receiver, depending on how it's handled.
Suggesting marriage counseling is one way to get the support system you need right away, but if you're not quite ready to suggest that yet, here are some ways to address the issues with your partner with respect so as to help ease your own worry.
Communication
Communication is the key to a better life, whether you're talking about money, your sex life, or spending enough quality time together.
If it doesn't come naturally, then you must find a dedicated time to be open and honest about your feelings.
Let your spouse know how much the financial imbalance affects you mentally and emotionally, and make sure to give him plenty of time to talk about his feelings, too. He may feel just as poorly about you supporting the family financially but doesn't know what to do about it.
Men, in particular, are socialized in that they must financially support their family, so even with egalitarian views, that socialization can still hang out in the subconscious, leading men to shame or a sense of failure if they don't think they're fulfilling that role.
It could also be that you just aren't on the same page, whether because you don't know each other's financial info, you haven't decided on goals and priorities, or any other reason.
In this case, setting up regular times to discuss your finances can ease everyone's burdens. Then, you can go over what went right or not so right and what you can do together to improve or fix the situation.
Be on the Same Team
Successful relationships require that everyone is on the same team. It's not fair for one person to bear all the financial responsibility, at least unless the other person is making up for that in other important areas.
Together, come up with a way to outline the financial responsibilities for each partner, setting clear expectations to which you can then hold yourselves and each other accountable.
Don't just assume that your partner will pick up the slack if you don't — that's not fair. Together, discuss your financial situation, goals, and challenges.
Look at your household bills and financial responsibilities, and figure out how you'll tackle them together. If you can't get on the same side, it may be time to seek professional support to help you reach a middle ground.
Set Financial Goals
Once you talk about what you each want out of your finances, then create financial goals that make each partner feel seen and heard as much as possible. All relationships have people with different ideas and views - that's what makes relationships great!
However, you have to come together to find common goals and a joint plan, even if that joint plan includes some parts that belong to just one individual or the other.
With your goals set, together, you can create a budget that works for each person's income and priorities.
If the goals you set aren't entirely within reach, then you and your partner can determine what each of you can and will do to increase their efforts to increase income and/or decrease expenses (or adjust the timelines for your goals).
Work With a Financial Coach
Sometimes, reaching financial goals and figuring out your finances is a big challenge or isn't possible to do on your own, and that's okay — there's no shame in getting support from a professional.
If you and your partner aren't on the same page, then that help is necessary so that together, you can realize new opportunities to become more financially secure.
Working with a financial coach or therapist can be very eye-opening. If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my hour-long complimentary consultation! Here are just a few of the benefits of this work:
Being able to see and hear one another with an open mind with the help of a neutral third-party
Getting clarity about where you or your spouse might be overspending and hurting your finances
Learning to talk to one another in ways that help you feel supported and that your partner recognizes that you work hard even if that effort just may look different for each of you
Working through the desire or need to make a career change or other significant shift that you might be afraid to do because of how it might impact your family
Learning stress management techniques that can be beneficial to your finances and marriage/relationship
What Does a Financial Coach Do?
A financial coach can take on many different roles in your life, meeting you where you need help.
For example, if you and your partner cannot budget and always overspend, you'll start there. Together, you can determine where you each overspend and why.
Believe it or not, it's actually learning the "why" that helps married couples get back on track. And once you've dug deep and determined what went wrong, then you'll feel more secure and less resentful about making changes or otherwise trying new things.
A financial coach can also help partners get out of debt, set financial goals, and learn how to achieve them.
Setting goals or even creating a budget does nothing if you can't execute it; in fact, it can make things worse when one person uses the budget or plans to shame their partner or even themselves!
A financial coach assesses your needs and helps you and your spouse learn to meet one another halfway, leading you to a place where you can have financial peace.
FAQs
What if My Husband Is Unwilling To Make Changes?
It can be challenging to hear that your husband is unwilling to make changes, but oftentimes, there are reasons beneath the stubborn exterior. Getting support from a professional can help you and him see the problem and work together on a solution.
What may seem one-sided may actually have more sides than you realize, and discovering and understanding those will lead to better and often faster solutions.
Can a Marriage Survive Financial Problems?
Yes. Not every marriage survives financial problems, but you can get on the same page and start fixing the problems with the proper marriage counseling.
Financial issues don't occur overnight, and they can't be solved overnight, but when both parties are willing to work on it, then there is a good chance you can resolve it as a team.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity can be just like physically cheating on a spouse. Lying to your partner about where you spend money, how you got money or anything to do with money is cheating, and it can damage trust and intimacy just the same.
If you and your husband want to get on the same page and both be able to feel supported and understood in the relationship, then honesty is the key.
Should We Get Separate Bank Accounts if He's Not Contributing?
Keeping separate bank accounts won't change the fact that your husband isn't contributing to your family finances.
If it makes you feel better to keep the funds separate so you don't have to worry about him spending your money, it's an option. However, the bigger problem is dealing with the income imbalance and the financial stress it causes.
Should Each Spouse Be Financially Independent From Each Other?
If you can't agree with your husband, you may want to find a way to become financially independent. However, since you live together, and especially if you share children, you'll have many of the same expenses, making it challenging to be completely independent of one another.
The Bottom Line
If you're tired of financially supporting your husband, then it's time to get help. If you've talked to him until you're blue in the face and he's not changing anything, or you're feeling stuck or afraid to bring things up, let me help.
My couple's financial counseling can help you go from overwhelmed to happy and both on the same page, leading you to successful finances and happy marriage — book a consultation now.
Plus, click here to take the "What's Your Couple's Money Personality Type?" quiz!
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
