My Husband* Doesn't Help Me Financially: Advice & What To Do
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Are you tired of being the one to provide for your family? Does it seem unfair that he has a job but doesn't contribute financially?
Financial issues are common in relationships, but they can be resolved with proper love and care. Let's look at why this happens and what you can do about it.
My Husband Doesn't Help Me Financially
There can be many reasons why your husband doesn't help you financially. One possibility is that each partner decided to tackle their "own" bills and expenses.
Maybe this was something you agreed to initially, but it's no longer working for you. If you're the one always paying the bills and he's never contributing, it can put a strain on your relationship.
Another possibility is that your husband doesn't make enough money. If he's not bringing in a steady income, it can be difficult for him to contribute financially. This doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to help, but he may not be able to right now.
If you're not sure why your husband isn't helping you financially, it's essential to talk to him. There could be an excellent reason why he's not able to contribute right now, for example. By communicating openly, you get more information and can figure out a solution that works for both of you.
How Couples Should Approach Finances
When it comes to finances, couples need to be on the same page, which means agreeing on how responsibilities will be divided and how living expenses will be shared. Here are a few tips on how to do this:
Talk about your financial goals as a couple: What do you hope to achieve financially? Whether it's investing for retirement, saving for a home, or simply paying off debt, it's essential to have common goals.
Make a budget: Once you know your financial goals, you can start creating a budget to help you track your income and expenses, see where your money is going, and stay on plan. There are various ways to make a budget, but the important thing is to choose one that works best for your family and situation.
Decide who will be responsible for what: For example, will one person be in charge of the bills? Who will handle the investments? Will each partner have a separate bank account, joint account, or a combination of each for personal use and shared monthly expenses? Knowing who is responsible for what can avoid arguments about money and ensure everyone is on the same page. This also helps each partner have a clear idea of their responsibility.
Have regular financial meetings: Whether once a month or once a week, sit down and talk about your finances with your husband. This is an excellent time to review your budget, discuss any changes, and ensure you're still on track to reach your goals.
Communicate regularly: Money can be a touchy subject, so it's essential to communicate regularly about your financial situation. This way, you can keep each other up-to-date on family finances and goals.
Consequences of an Imbalance of Responsibility
Several consequences can come from an imbalance of responsibility in a relationship, especially regarding finances. This imbalance can lead to many different personal and financial problems, such as:
Not enough income to support the household bills: If one spouse isn't bringing in enough money to support the household expenses, it can strain the relationship. The other partner may feel like they're always paying the bills and can't keep up, leading to arguments, resentment, and fear about one's financial future.
Feelings of resentment: When one partner is always paying the bills, they may start to feel resentment towards their spouse. This is especially true if the other partner doesn't pay bills and isn't contributing in other ways that help financially or would cost money to outsource. In this case, the partner who is always paying may feel like they're doing all the work and their spouse isn't pulling their weight.
One partner becoming overworked: If one partner is responsible for all the financial responsibilities, they may start to feel overworked. This can lead to burnout, especially if there is a need to bring in more money. They will be physically and emotionally exhausted, but they may also begin to resent their spouse.
Financial stress: Money can be very stressful, especially if you're not on the same page as your partner. This can lead to arguments and even breakups. If you're constantly fighting about money, it's essential to seek help from a professional, as they can help you figure out a plan that works for both of you.
Strained relationship: An imbalance of financial responsibility can lead to a strained relationship. If one person is always carrying the weight, they may feel like their spouse doesn't care about them and that they are all alone.
An imbalance of responsibility can lead to arguments, resentment, and even divorce. If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my hour-long complimentary consultation!
What Can Be Done
Several things can be done to help balance the responsibility in a relationship.
Talk to Your Partner
If you're feeling overwhelmed, it's essential to talk to your partner. They may not know how much you're doing, and they may be willing to help more.
By communicating openly, you can figure out a plan that works for both of you, avoid non-constructive arguments about money, and instead focus on finding a solution.
Draft Your Goals
It can be helpful to sit down with your partner and draft your financial goals. This way, you're both on the same page, and you can work towards them together.
To do this effectively, you'll need to be clear about what you want, have a sense of what achieving those goals will cost/take, and be willing to compromise. Both sides should be able to give and take.
Map Out Financial Responsibilities for Each Partner
Once you've set your financial goals, it's time to map out who will be responsible for what roles and tasks. This can help prevent arguments and ensure that both partners do their fair share. It might take a few iterations to get it right, but it's essential to be patient and work together.
Seek Help From a Finance Coach or Therapist
If you're having trouble balancing your responsibilities, it may be time to seek help from a professional to help you figure out a plan that works for both of you.
For example, a financial coach can help you budget your money and make financial decisions, while a therapist can help you deal with the emotions of managing money.
What if Nothing Works?
So what if you've exhausted all your options above, but your husband doesn't contribute financially? Here are some things you can do.
Focus on Yourself
If you've done everything and yet you still feel like your husband is financially irresponsible, turn the focus on yourself. See what changes you can make that create a feeling of financial peace and decrease the financial issues you face in your household.
While it might feel like you're shouldering the burden, you're doing what's necessary to create financial stability in your house.
Evaluate your Career
You can't make your husband change, but you can control what you do in your career. It's possible that when your husband doesn't provide, it's because he doesn't know how.
If you focus on yourself and grow in your career, you never know; he may follow in your footsteps when you take the focus off of him.
Ensure the Kids' Security
Kids can feel stress in a marriage. If you have financial problems and constantly fight with your husband about them, the kids will pick up on it.
Instead of fighting in front of them, keep the conversations for times when they aren't around, and when you do talk in front of them, ensure the conversations are productive and caring, not filled with blame and frustration.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People
It can be hard to talk about problems in your marriage with others, but an outlet is essential if the financial stress has overcome you.
Talking to family or friends about the troubles you're experiencing may provide you with more insight. You never know when someone is going through something similar or has something profound to say that may help change your life.
Consider your Next Steps
You may want to consider your next steps if you've done everything possible. This often starts with marriage counseling, but I suggest talking with a financial coach or therapist.
You need someone who understands the problems in your marriage and can help you work on them peacefully without pointing out blame or causing more stress.
The right therapist may be able to show your husband where he's lacking and point him in the right direction. He may just not know where to start.
FAQs
What Is Considered Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse is when one partner holds financial control in a relationship to the point where the other partner feels powerless.
This can include not allowing the other partner to work, making all the financial decisions, hiding money and negative spending habits from them, or valuing money more than the relationship.
What To Do if My Partner Says Their Money Is Theirs?
A healthy marriage and financial success depend on being a support system for one another. If your partner says their money is their own and they don't want to share it with you, then it's essential to have a conversation.
If they're not willing to compromise, it may be time to seek help from a professional who can help you figure out a financial plan that both people agree to.
Is It OK for One Partner To Support the Other?
It's not uncommon for one partner to support the other, especially during tough economic times.
However, it's essential to ensure that both partners are still contributing to the relationship in other ways. This can help prevent resentment and keep the relationship balanced, with both sides doing their fair share and contributing equally.
What Do You Do When Your Husband Ignores Your Needs?
It can be maddening when your husband ignores your needs, but getting mad and yelling will only worsen things. Instead, wait until you've cooled down to converse honestly with him.
Slowly and carefully tell him how you feel when he ignores you, but be careful not to point blame. Get your points across and give him time to digest what you've said.
Don't expect answers immediately or for him to change overnight. Let him determine how he can change to help the relationship while you also bring methods to the table that may help. Meeting each other in the middle can create a more peaceful marriage.
What Does Having a Money Imbalance Mean?
If you have a money imbalance in your relationship, it means one spouse makes more than the other. The financial burden usually falls on the higher-earning spouse, causing trouble in the marriage unless you get help so that you work on the same team instead of against one another.
Marriage Means You’re a Team
Money can be very stressful, especially if you're not on the same page as your partner.
If you're feeling overwhelmed because you are contributing all the money you earn on shared monthly expenses, then it's essential to talk to your partner. By keeping lines of communication open, you can figure out a personal finance plan that works for both of you.
If you're having trouble balancing your responsibilities, you're not alone. It may be time to seek help from a professional who specializes in financial situations like this, as they can help you figure out what works best for both of you.
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Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
