I Need Advice: My Husband Doesn't Share His Money With Me
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Imagine that you had the wedding and honeymoon of your dreams, but you're back home now, and you quickly realize, "My husband doesn't share his money with me."
Before you do anything drastic, consider why this might be the case. Then, you can figure out how to resolve the situation and enjoy a happy, successful relationship.
My Husband Won't Share His Money With Me
Your husband might not share his money or bank account information with you for various reasons. In some cases, the reasons are negative, such as if he has poor financial habits. However, there might be times when it's less problematic, like when he buys a large gift for you.
If your husband never shares money with you, that is a problem. You might have to pay for more household expenses yourself, which can be stressful, especially if your husband makes more money than you since you then won't be able to save as much.
If you have to pay more for items, you might start to resent your husband. But, on the other hand, he might begin to resent you if he thinks you're suspicious about his spending habits.
Why Your Husband Won't Share Finances
Your husband might not share his money for a few reasons. If you can figure out why he's keeping the money to himself, you might be able to address the issue.
Then, you'll both know to talk about finances and come to an agreement on money.
Here are some common reasons why your husband won't share money.
Bad Previous Experiences
First, you might want to think about your husband's prior relationships or his childhood. For example, if he had a partner who took advantage of his money in a joint account that was designed for mutual bills, he might not want to hand it out willingly, even if it is to share expenses.
Or, maybe your husband grew up in a family with financial issues and is now more well-off. He might want to hoard the money he earns in case he ends up in poverty in the future.
It's important to note that sometimes these actions are subconscious, not necessarily intended to do harm, but rather your significant other's psyche trying to protect them.
Unfortunately, you can't change the past, but you can support your spouse. If you don't know of any previous bad experiences, ask if he's willing to share, and you just might learn why your husband isn't willing to share his money with you.
Concerned About Your Ability to Handle Money
You can also think about your financial habits and whether you handle money well. For example, if you tend to blow your money on lavish purchases, your husband might not want to encourage that.
Even if you don't buy expensive things, consider your credit card usage. If you max out your credit card or never pay it off, your husband might also notice that. He might choose not to share his money, even though it would prevent you from getting into a worse financial situation.
If you suspect your husband is concerned about your use of money, talk with him. Tell him you want to do better, and then do your best to manage your finances so that he can trust you with money.
And if you think he's misjudging your spending, then that's a perfect time to sit down and look over each other's statements, bills, etc.
Secretive About Their Financial History
Sometimes, people aren't as open about their financial history as their spouses would like them to be. Keeping money to yourself is a good way to hide dirty laundry like low credit scores or other issues. Or, perhaps your husband is just extremely private.
Maybe your husband has a gambling problem, and most of his money goes to that. Or, perhaps he's just another struggling person trying to pay off a massive loan, whether that's paying off student debt or a credit card bill.
You can't always get your husband to open up, or at least not right away. However, you can show him that you support him and his financial future.
Need for Control
Unfortunately, some people feel the need to have control over all their money. If your husband shares his money with you, he might think that would give you some of the control he feels he needs.
Giving you money occasionally or not at all might feel good or safe to your husband. This can be especially troubling if you stay at home full-time or if you make significantly less than he does.
It can be hard to break your husband's control needs over his bank account; however, that might be necessary to have a happy marriage.
If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my hour-long complimentary consultation!
The Impact of Financial Disagreements on a Marriage
Financial disagreements can cause many issues within a marriage. The stress and tension can cause arguments or create resentment in one partner.
Arguing about money or worrying that your husband isn't covering the financial responsibilities can make you feel unhappy with your relationship and affect your ability to communicate.
Financial disagreements can also cause trust issues, especially if one partner worries about physical or financial infidelity.
Whether you're unsure about the marital assets and how your husband handles them or insists on keeping money separate, it can create a lack of trust that can break down a marriage.
What Should You Do If Your Husband Doesn't Share Financial Information
It might seem like you can't do anything to get your husband to share his money. If you've tried a number of ways with no success, then unfortunately, it will likely take some work to make that happen.
However, you can take a few steps to help your husband open up and share some of his finances.
Be Aware of Your Financial Rights
First, you should learn about your rights as a spouse when your husband isn't sharing his money. Married couples get a lot of benefits, including financial benefits.
You can consult an accountant or lawyer to learn more about your rights. If you signed a prenuptial agreement, consider that as well.
Not sharing money is one thing, but it's even worse if your husband is being secretive about finances. You have certain rights, and both you and your husband should understand them.
Communicate Your Feelings
Your husband might not know that you have a problem with him not sharing the financial responsibility. Ask to sit down as a couple and discuss how you each feel about your finances.
Tell your husband that you wish he would share more of his money. Be honest, but also be open to his reasoning for why he isn't sharing money.
Your husband should also be able to share his feelings on the subject. Then, you can find a way to work as a financial team to split finances and reach your financial goals.
Don't Give Up
One talk might not be enough to resolve the issue completely. Be persistent, and be sure to continue to learn about finances in general as well as in the context of your marriage.
Consider having regular financial talks with your spouse. One benefit of this is that you can learn when his or your preferences change regarding splitting money and adjust your financial plan accordingly.
You can also learn more about money management on your own. This would be an excellent step if your husband doesn't trust you with money yet.
Seek Help From a Financial Coach
If you have significant problems talking about money, you might want to visit a financial advisor or coach. The coach can help talk to you and your husband and mediate the conversation.
You and your spouse can both talk about your concerns and ask questions. A good financial coach for couples can help you work together on money issues and resolve conflict.
A coach might also give you tips when discussing money in the future or between coaching sessions. Then, you won't have to wait to see a financial coach to resolve a small problem.
Splitting Finances
You have multiple options to choose from when splitting finances with your spouse. You can take a simple approach and look at each person's income.
If your spouse makes twice as much as you do, then he or she should contribute twice as much, i.e., you should contribute one-third for household expenses, and he or she should contribute two-thirds.
You can also consider what items you or your spouse use. For example, paying the entire cost for that service makes sense if you are the only one who watches Netflix.
You can also split expenses 50/50 for things like utilities since you both use them evenly — or at least trying to calculate it would be one heck of a headache!
Another option is to pay in turns for groceries or meals out. If you paid last time, your husband pays this time, and you pay next time. Be sure to talk to your husband about how to split finances so that you're on the same page.
FAQs
If you're still wondering why "my husband won't share his money with me," you're not alone. Here are a few questions you might have.
Does My Husband Legally Have to Share His Money With Me?
Your husband does not necessarily legally have to share his money with you if he has a separate account. Note that each state has its own rules about what is considered a "marital" or "non-marital" asset in case of divorce.
However, many married couples do share money in a household account, especially if the money comes in after their wedding day. Where funds are held in a joint account with both your names on it, then you each have full access to that money.
If you've agreed to share money in one bank account in the past, ask if your husband has changed his mind and wants to move to separate bank accounts for personal expenses or some other structure.
Make sure to understand why he wants to do so, as well. Then, you can adjust your spending plans accordingly.
What Is Financial Infidelity in a Marriage?
Financial infidelity occurs when a spouse, especially one who normally combines finances, lies about money. This could include lying about debt, major purchases, financial commitments, or other expenses.
Your husband might open a checking or savings account without telling you, and then he could funnel money to those accounts to use for debt or other purchases.
Why Do Husbands Lie About Money?
Husbands might lie about money for reasons such as shame, fear, or guilt. Your husband might sense that you wouldn't like him spending money.
Or, he might lie because he desires more control over your marriage and finances. Alternatively, he may just want to reach financial independence on his own and feel like he should or needs to do so without help.
In some cases, a husband might lie about money if he lies about other things. It could be a reflex, and he might not mean to do it, but needless to say, habitual lying is not healthy or okay in a marriage.
It's Possible To Have Financial Harmony in Your Marriage
It can be stressful to wonder why "my husband doesn't share his money with me." You committed to being with him for life, so he should commit to being honest and open with you, especially about money.
There are multiple reasons why your husband might not want to share his money. Fortunately, you can figure out his reasoning, talk about the problem, and come up with a potential solution.
If you need help talking about money, schedule a consultation with a financial coach for couples.
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Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
