Advice: My Husband* Won't Let Me See His Bank Account
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
My husband won't let me see his bank account. Does this sound like you?
Unfortunately, it's all too common for marriages to suffer from secrecy and, in some severe cases, deception. On top of this, with the current onslaught of popular films and television shows revolving around fraud, you might find yourself tumbling down a rabbit hole of anxiety.
However, as scary as this situation can be, it's important to approach it rationally, focusing on real possibilities rather than letting your mind run wild. In this article, I break down the reasons your partner might be hiding their bank account and what to do when this happens.
Before I move on, it's important to take a breath and affirm that you have nothing to be ashamed of. This situation is uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.
Why Won't He Let Me See His Bank Account?
Your husband might not want you to see his bank account for various reasons. In some cases, it comes from personal embarrassment; in others, it's due to a deeper issue.
Secrets and Lying
One potential reason your husband isn't showing you his bank account is that he has something to hide. If he's very resistant, it may be that he doesn't want to show you something he's purchased. Maybe because he's spending money irresponsibly, or perhaps he's hiding past financial secrets from you.
Keeping a purchase a secret isn't always a bad thing. Maybe he's purchased a gift for you and wants to keep it a surprise. You'll need to consider all options if your husband is being secretive about money and his financial accounts.
Addiction
A major reason spouses hide their finances is because they suffer from addiction. Some people with an addiction might be embarrassed about their habits, and others might spend excessive money on their addiction. Both are reasons why your partner might have a secret bank account.
If you know that your husband has problems with drugs, alcohol, or gambling, then this might not come as a surprise. Even if you think it's impossible, remember that 5.3 percent of the U.S. population struggles with alcoholism, and 10 percent have struggled with drug abuse at some point in their lives.
An Affair
It's unfortunate, but it's worth mentioning — some people hide their bank accounts because they're having extramarital affairs. People committing infidelity might be hiding the associated costs of their affair, such as payments for lodging or dates.
Revenge
There are certain situations where someone becomes spiteful with their spouse. These people might seek retribution for a perceived offense by withholding financial information, opening a separate bank account, or spending money on irresponsible expenses.
Differing Values
While all of the previous situations are incredibly anxiety-inducing, you should keep in mind that there are many benign reasons why your husband won't let you see his bank account or hiding money.
His personal or cultural values might be different from yours. For example, he might be protective of his privacy or come from a culture where finances are highly personal.
If you're in a heterosexual relationship, he might have reservations about letting a woman manage money.
Anxiety
Another reason your husband is concealing his bank account might be anxiety-related. Especially in young marriages, it can be a big adjustment to merge finances.
He might be feeling nervous about sharing money for the first time. Perhaps he grew up in an environment with toxic money politics, or maybe he's an anxious person.
Either way, these are situations where self-advocacy and compassion are integral.
Embarrassment
For many reasons, your husband might be embarrassed about his financial health. He might come from a low-income background and could be embarrassed that he doesn't have much.
He might be inclined to make silly or strange purchases — or at least ones he thinks you'd find silly or strange — and is ashamed to share them with you.
Either way, this is another situation where compassion is what he needs and deserves, and also the best approach to moving forward as a team.
What To Do if Your Husband Won't Let You See His Bank Account
If your husband isn't sharing his bank account for any of the reasons above, it's essential to proceed cautiously -- especially if financial responsibilities regarding household finances aren't being met.
Financial trust is the bedrock of marriage, and you should know all the avenues through which you can approach your husband's secrecy.
Know Your Financial Rights
It's vital to know that despite how much you might want to see your husband's bank account, there are only certain rights granted to you.
If your name is on your husband's account, making it a joint bank account, you're within your rights to access it. However, if your name isn't on your husband's bank account, you have no legal right to any information about it.
Show Interest in Disclosing Financials
Since you might not have any legal rights to see your husband's finances, it can be good to take a tactful approach to your joint finances.
If you have a healthy communicative relationship with your husband, you might want to talk to him directly about the fact that disclosing your finances is important to you and to reaching your shared financial goals.
If his intentions are good, he'll likely respond well to you being so forthright, or he might be honest about his hesitations about his personal finances.
If your communication is more frayed, it might help to be less direct. You could raise the issue of financial disclosure by sharing your finances and prompting him to share. This strategy can be effective in certain situations, but open communication is preferable.
Seek Help From a Professional
If your husband's behavior and secrecy feel too complicated or too much to handle on your own, your next step should be to seek help from a professional financial coach.
A specialized counselor will have training in helping spouses communicate about money issues and be prepared for whatever situation is causing financial strife.
Additionally, don't wait until the last minute to seek professional help. The earlier you can meet with a qualified expert, the better for your marriage *and* financial situation.
Red Flags To Look Out For
As I suggested above, it can be difficult to determine whether your husband's financial privacy comes from a benign quirk or a serious problem. If you find yourself unsure and suspect financial abuse, consult this list of red flags.
Anger
A sign of problems might be that your husband becomes angry or defensive when you ask about his finances. Now, it's possible that your husband genuinely believes he's protecting himself by having separate accounts that only he's privy to.
But, in other cases, anger can indicate that he doesn't recognize that you deserve financial transparency from him. Regardless, always know that you deserve his honesty and to be on the same page, even if he has a genuine reason or desire for privacy.
Demeaning Behavior
Another problem sign is that your husband demeans you when you show interest in your financial independence, whether in terms of having your own earnings or managing marital assets.
This situation is different from the previous one, but it's still a major red flag. It's a sign that your spouse doesn't respect you, but it's also an indication that he doesn't think you should have a say in the financial affairs of your marriage.
Strange Financial Documents
Everybody receives spam and junk mail now and then. But if you notice that the same institution is sending your husband lots of letters or emails, it could be a reason to be concerned.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
Like any form of infidelity, financial infidelity involves secrets or cheating financially. It looks different for every couple, depending on how you've agreed to handle your financial situation.
For example, if you have a spending threshold set up, but one partner ignores it, you may consider it a form of infidelity.
It could also be financial infidelity if one spouse hides money, exudes total control over the financial information, or doesn't share the information about their spending, which puts both of you in a bad financial situation.
Is Being Secretive With Bank Accounts Financial Infidelity?
Financial secrets can be seen as a form of infidelity because one spouse hides information from the other that could affect their financial situation. Whether you consider keeping financial information secret infidelity depends on the way you and your spouse agreed to handle the finances.
For example, if you have joint accounts, both partners should have the same information because you share money. However, if you keep separate accounts, you may not feel as slighted dealing with some financial secrets.
Is Financial Infidelity a Crime?
Unfortunately, financial infidelity isn't a crime unless your spouse has committed fraud against you. However, financial infidelity can be a warning sign of abuse and can be grounds for divorce.
How To Gain Financial Transparency in Your Marriage
Creating financial transparency in your marriage may feel impossible if you've been married for a while and are set in your ways. But here are some key ways to create a happier and more open marriage.
Open Communication
Open communication is the key to any goal within a marriage, especially when dealing with your budget and finances. Establish policies that both partners share everything about their spending, financial goals, and concerns so there aren't any unpleasant surprises or hurt feelings.
If your husband keeps his bank accounts secret, consider sharing with him how it makes you feel. It may be how he was brought up, making him think it's no big deal to keep separate accounts, not realizing he's hurting your feelings.
Shared Financial Goals
When you have shared financial goals, it makes sense to share financial information. Create a list of shared and individual goals and determine how you'll reach them, adding the costs to your budget. Your shared goals may bring you closer together as you work to build accounts with enough funds to achieve your goals together.
Budgeting Together
Many couples avoid creating a budget because they worry it will cause arguments, but budgeting is the one tool that may help start the meaningful financial conversation you want to have with your spouse.
Budgeting together helps both partners see where the money goes, what they are paying for, and what might need to change to improve their finances.
Money Dates
Money dates sound funny, but they are a GREAT way to connect and have a hard conversation with your spouse about money. If you both come to the date knowing you'll talk about money, you'll be in the right mindset to discuss how to handle your funds.
This can also be a great time to discuss any concerns or bring up new ideas about improving your finances.
FAQs
"My husband won't let me see his bank account." Does this sound like you? If it does, then you probably have a few more questions.
Are Spouses Legally Required To Share Bank Account Information?
Spouses are only required to share bank account information if their accounts are commingled/joint — in other words, both of your names are on the account, and both of you can deposit or withdraw money. Otherwise, spouses aren't obligated to share bank account information about money they keep separate.
How Can I Find out if My Husband Has a Secret Bank Account?
There is no legal recourse to demand your husband reveal a secret savings account. Other than through healthy money talks and his own openness, your best bet is to keep an eye out for concrete evidence, such as bank statements or communications from financial organizations.
Can I Withdraw Money From My Husband's Bank Account Without Permission?
You can only withdraw money from your husband's bank account without permission if your name is on the account, too. If you have a joint account, both partners have equal access to the funds and don't have to consult the other for permission to access them.
Can I View My Husband's Bank Account With Power of Attorney?
If you have the financial power of attorney, you may be able to view your husband's bank accounts and even make transactions, but you'll have an easier time if you have a joint account.
Do You Have To Show Bank Statements in Divorce?
Yes, most judges require bank statements in divorce to determine how to split the assets or the amount of child support or alimony a spouse may be required to pay.
Finances Shouldn't Have To Be a Secret
My husband won't let me see his bank account…if you're in this situation, there are various avenues to address the problem.
Financial infidelity is a serious problem that can affect a wide variety of marriages.
In some cases, your husband's financial secrecy may be a sign of an illness or problem, in which case you should approach him with love and compassion. In other cases, he may be involved in deception, fraud, or infidelity. If you suspect that that is the case, approach cautiously but confidently.
No matter the situation, it's beneficial to contact a trained couples financial coach to help resolve your issues. The longer you wait, the more the deceit can hurt your relationship and cause financial issues, so get started today.
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~Adam Kol, The Couples Financial Coach
