I Need Advice: My Husband* Is Controlling With Money
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Do you and your husband fight about money? Do you often think, "My husband is controlling with money"?
If you said 'yes,' then there's a good chance your financial relationship isn't healthy or constructive. No one person should have complete control over a couple's finances, and this often indicates financial abuse, which is a very real and all-too-common problem.
Is Controlling Money Financial Abuse?
A controlling spouse who watches over every penny you spend, makes you feel guilty if you spend without his approval, or requires control over the bank accounts could be committing financial abuse.
You might not think of it as abuse since it's not physical, and it may not feel emotional— but deep down, it's both. It gives your partner control over you, restricting your freedom of movement, whether geographically or even around whether to stay in the relationship.
It can also make you feel like you don't have your own money, that you can't spend money, and that all marital funds are under his control.
Spousal financial abuse is a serious issue that you should get help for before it gets out of hand.
Signs of Financial Abuse and Controlling Behavior
Knowing how to identify financial abuse is important. You might think it's just the 'cute' way your husband treats you or convince yourself that it's okay because you believe that he has your best interests at heart, but that's often not actually the case.
If you notice any of these signs of a controlling partner, it's time to do something about it:
Monitors your spending excessively
Asks for receipts for every purchase you make
Makes excuses for you not to contribute financially and then uses that to make sure you don't have a say
Makes it hard for you to succeed at work
Drains the savings account
Doesn't pay their share of the bills or otherwise disregards your shared expenses
Gets mad if you don't consult him before making purchases — especially problematic if these are smaller purchases and/or purchases made with your own money
Doesn't allow you access to the credit cards
Expects all of your earnings to go into a joint account or his account — especially problematic if he doesn't require the same of himself
Gives you an 'allowance'
Additionally, if you find yourself having these thoughts, consider it a warning sign:
"My husband gets mad when I spend money"
"My husband makes me ask for money"
"My husband controls all the money"
If you find yourself in a situation with domestic abuse, don't hesitate to call the national domestic violence hotline: 800-799-7233.
Understanding the Need To Control Finances
Everyone brings a different money story to the relationship. For example, if your spouse didn't grow up with financial stability, he could bring that insecurity to your relationship and take it out on you, even if he doesn't consciously intend to harm you.
Your husband may also lack empathy or feel entitled, whether around money or in general, again often because of how he was brought up.
For example, if spending money in his household was forbidden or something his parents fought about often, he may feel an excessive need to make sure that such fighting doesn't happen to him.
In this situation, he may be financially controlling the marriage in hopes that it will calm his anxiety and avoid that fighting, but unfortunately, that makes things worse and puts a strain on your financial relationship. Nevertheless, to your husband, it's not financial abuse but just the way things are.
Some husbands just need that sense of 'power' to feel in control of the family's direction, whether due to their parents' example or compensating for a lack of self-confidence. Men are also socialized that it's their responsibility to 'lead' their families, but without careful discernment, leading can turn into control.
No matter how you slice it, controlling the income and finances are key for that overall power and control, and your husband may not think it's considered financial abuse but rather a smart way to live that maintains his own independence.
Impacts of Controlling Financial Behaviors
A financially controlling partner has other side effects beyond your ability to spend or feel financially independent, such as:
You May Feel Fearful
If you know your spouse will get angry each time you spend or if you don't ask his permission before doing anything financially, you might end up living in fear— and that's not a good way to live.
Healthy relationships don't mean that one partner fears another, and that kind of fear can lead to (or be caused by) financial abuse.
A Lack of Independence
Knowing that your spouse tries to watch your every move can make you feel a loss of control and resort to financial dependence. You can't make your own decisions or even contribute to your own financial security because he's watching closely, with everything depending ultimately on what he decides.
You May Not Reach Your Full Potential at Work
If your spouse harasses you at work or makes it impossible for you to get a job, you may not feel fulfilled in your career. He may hold you back out of fear (even if subconscious) of you becoming financially secure and leaving him.
You May Lose Your Confidence
Being in an abusive situation, whether financial and/or otherwise, causes a loss of self-worth and self-confidence. Knowing that your husband has financial control makes it feel like he controls your entire life, that you're stuck on a path going nowhere.
Mistakes To Avoid
To minimize the chance of experiencing financial abuse, here are some mistakes to avoid that can help you keep a healthy financial independence and not fall under your husband's control.
Keeping All Debt in Your Name
If you keep all the debt in your name only, you're the one who takes the hit on your credit score and with the creditors.
Even if it's your spouse who disregards the bills but controls the finances and overspends, you would be the one with collectors crawling down your neck and threatening you.
Not paying your bills can hurt your credit score considerably, making you even more reliant on your husband because, without a good credit score, it is that much harder to leave the relationship.
Without decent credit, you won't be able to rent a place to live, get your own credit cards, or be able to afford any services to get you out on your own.
Not Building Your Credit
You need credit to create your fresh start. Unfortunately, if everything is in your husband's name, you either don't have any credit, or it's likely not good. Neither situation is a great one to be in.
An important way to get out of financial abuse is to have good enough credit to get approved for renting or buying a place to get out on your own.
The most straightforward way to do this is to have some bills in your name, whether for joint or your individual expenses, while your husband or spouse has some bills in their name. Do this upfront, and you'll thank yourself later if things get thorny.
Not Understanding Your Household Finances
You need your own financial independence, and that means you can manage your finances without your husband. Letting him control everything means you might not know anything about the bills you owe or where your money goes.
Perhaps especially if you are the one who works, yet your husband spends the money, then you deserve to know where every penny goes. A financially abusive partner essentially needs to keep you in the dark about the bills and where he spends your money.
If you want to gain control, you need to learn about your household finances, what debts you have, where your money goes, and how to get back on your own two feet.
Depending on your spouse's mental and emotional state, you may have to push hard for this access and knowledge, but it's worth it.
Steps To Take With Your Partner
It's not easy to talk about financial abuse, let alone trying to fix and heal from it, but with the right help, it may be possible. Here are some steps to take:
Talk With Your Partner
Be honest with your husband about how you feel. You may not want to throw around the word financial abuse, but let him know that you want to be more in the loop regarding the bills, credit cards, and your bank accounts.
If he refuses to let you in, ask why and really listen so that you can get a better sense of what's going on for him underneath the surface. If he still won't budge, then explain that the marital assets are yours, too, and you have the right to know what's going on.
Speak your truth, but keep the focus on what you need (rather than making him the problem), thereby decreasing the chance he will shut down even further and increasing the chance of a constructive conversation.
Set Boundaries
Especially if he continues to resist, then make it clear to your husband that you aren't going to put up with being controlled financially.
Set boundaries right away that show that you know what's going on in this dynamic and will do what's needed to make your relationship equitable.
Once you're on the same team, then you can work together on a plan to keep one another informed about your finances. This will allow you to have combined goals and work on them together, thereby reaching financial stability more quickly and efficiently.
Work With a Professional
If you can't get anywhere in your talks to your husband about financial abuse and how it's affecting you, consider talking to a professional like a financial coach, therapist, or counselor.
You might wonder what type of professional would help you the most. While a licensed therapist may be a good start emotionally, they won't be able to help with the financial piece, which also is a big part of things.
Benefits of Working With a Financial Coach
A financial coach can help you see one another's points, where each other is coming from, and how you can meet in the middle.
With a neutral third party pointing out your blind spots and cutting to the facts rather than being financially abusive or anything close. They can provide financial resources, so you'll go from feeling overwhelmed and alone to being able to see eye to eye and supporting each other financially.
FAQs
Is It Normal for One Spouse To Manage the Finances?
It can be normal for one spouse to manage the finances IF you decide that as a team and keep the other spouse in the loop. However, financial abuse occurs when one spouse monopolizes the finances and keeps the other partner in the dark.
If one spouse wants to take control of the bills to make sure they're paid or wants to balance the bank account monthly, that's one thing.
However, it's an entirely different story when a spouse hides the credit card and bank statements, doesn't tell you anything about your finances, and even makes you ask for money or for permission to spend it.
What Is Financial Manipulation?
Financial manipulation occurs when one spouse has complete control over the finances and uses the finances to control their significant other. Often, the manipulating/controlling spouse doesn't let the other spouse know anything.
You are entirely at his mercy and must ask him if you can spend money to get gas, buy groceries, or do anything for yourself. He may make you feel bad for working or even thinking about spending money, and if you make a mistake, he'll make you pay for it emotionally.
Needless to say, this dynamic does not work well and is not sustainable.
Financial Abuse Is Still Abuse
If you think you suffer from financial abuse, it's time to get help. Like physical abuse, other forms of abuse can be just as detrimental to your health and life.
Experiencing financial abuse can make you feel worthless, helpless, and as if you'll never make your own decisions again. If you're ready to take your life back, contact me today — let's set up a session to discuss how we can get you and your spouse back on track.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
