I Need Advice: All My Husband Cares About Is Money!
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Many women feel the same way — they think all my husband cares about is money. Whether you live paycheck to paycheck or come from a wealthy family, it's a common complaint.
While it's true that many husbands have a lot to think about if they handle the family finances, it shouldn't get in the way of a healthy relationship. Couples should be able to work together to be on the same page financially, physically, and emotionally to have a happy life.
Money should be an important part of your relationship, but it shouldn't be the only thing either partner thinks about all day. If your husband cares more about money than you, or it feels that way to you, it's time for some help.
What Do You Value in a Relationship?
Stop for a second and think about what you value in a relationship. For example, do you care about how your husband looks, what makes you feel, and/or what he does around the house, or do you only care about the finances?
While money is important in any relationship, it shouldn't be the center of your marriage.
If it is, you might not have a healthy relationship. Instead, your relationship should be about making one another happy, reaching financial goals together, having fun, and sharing your love with friends and family.
If this doesn't sound like the relationship you have right now, there may be signs that your husband is being selfish and only cares about money.
But, on the other hand, it might not be completely his fault. Society makes it so that men feel like they should be the family providers, and when they can't, they are 'less than.'
If that's how your husband feels, read on to see how you can help one another.
Money Values- Signs Your Husband Cares More About Money Than the Relationship
At this point, you might wonder, 'Does my husband value money more than me?' Here are some signs that say he might:
My Husband Never Wants To Spend Any Time With Me
Think about the last time you asked your husband to spend time with you. What was his response? Was it along the lines of 'I have to work' or 'I have to balance the checking account'? If so, and this is a pattern, you likely have a husband who cares more about money than you.
If his main focus is always on money, money management, and how to get more money, it could signify an unhealthy marriage. A husband and wife should address financial issues in marriage, but they shouldn't be the main focus of your day or what you and your spouse talk about 24/7.
When a husband controls the money, he often can't value time with his wife because money makes him frustrated or angry, because, for instance, he thinks you spend too much or don't give him enough support.
When you don't have enough money or your husband feels like he's failing the marriage by not having enough money, then he may not have the energy to spend time with you.
My Husband Doesn't Appreciate Me
Do you often say, 'My husband is selfish'? Maybe you feel unappreciated because all he ever talks about is money.
If you don't work, your husband may feel like he has control of all the money and gives you no access to the bank account. He may not even give you enough money to get by for the week taking care of the kids.
Your husband further may not recognize the value you bring to the household by caring for the kids and house. All he sees is that you don't bring in any money. He may even make you feel guilty for asking for money when you don't make any.
Most husbands who only care about money don't look at what their wives do from a physical or emotional standpoint. Instead, they look at them like a dollar sign, knowing that because you stay home, you don't provide for the family finances and, therefore, aren't worth appreciating.
This hyper-focus on money and financial security can interfere with your relationship and your chances of having a healthy marriage.
Tired of Begging for Attention From Husband
Are you tired of begging for attention from your husband? Does it feel like no matter how good you look or what exciting things you have to say, you don't exist?
This can get exhausting. When a husband has financial control of the family, he can take the job very seriously, ensuring that every penny that comes in is accounted for and handled.
Your husband may be so exhausted from tracking financial goals, saving money, and making sure smart financial decisions are made that he may not have the energy to provide any other type of attention you might want and deserve.
My Husband Says His Money Is His
Then there's the selfish husband. This is the husband who says that since he earns the money, then all the money is his. This happens mostly when wives don't work.
Men feel like they work their tails off to pay bills and save money, so they don't see themselves as obligated to share any money with you.
If your husband shares money with you, he might put you on spending limits, not have the money in joint accounts, or require you to ask for 'permission' to spend it before giving it to you.
Here's the reality: even if you don't work, the money brought into your household belongs to both of you. If your husband spends money but won't let you spend a dime, it's a one-sided relationship that can only lead to arguments and divorce.
A partner should feel honored in a relationship, not controlled.
My Husband Is Controlling With Money
Do you feel like your husband has financial control over all the accounts? If you aren't on any of the bank accounts, or you don't even know where they are, it's a sign of a toxic relationship.
It can be hard to achieve financial independence when you are a stay-at-home mom, but a healthy marriage means both spouses have access to the joint accounts and the financial plan.
If your husband hides everything from you except the cash he hands you when he finds it acceptable, it's a toxic relationship or at least a toxic dynamic.
I Have To Ask for Permission To Spend Money
When there is a money imbalance in relationships, you might feel like you have to ask permission to spend money. That's not okay.
Whether you're buying something for the kids, buying something for yourself, or taking care of major or joint expenses, you have the right to make money decisions, too.
If your spouse doesn't trust you enough to make these decisions or to handle any aspects of the household expenses, it's a sign that your husband controls money and that it's time to get some help.
My Husband Always Brings up Money in Conversations
When you feel like your husband values money more than you, he may constantly bring up money in your conversations.
You could be talking about something completely unrelated, but somehow, he'll work in a discussion about your spending or complain about the financial issues in your marriage.
Even if you don't have money problems, your husband may solely focus on money and his financial goals.
He may have high financial expectations in the relationship, or you may feel like he's constantly watching you and how you spend money, and it can cause problems within your marriage.
My Husband Always Complains About Money
If your husband always brings up money and not in a positive way, he could be obsessed with money.
It may not even be because you have money problems; he may just be so focused on it and how it affects his life that it may feel impossible to have a happy marriage.
When someone is consistently negative, it can be challenging to find happiness, or it may feel impossible not to feel guilty about spending money for fear of upsetting your husband.
My Husband Is Always Worried About Money
Some husbands worry about money so much that it gets in the way of a happy marriage. It can make it impossible for you to make financial choices or to feel like you can handle your own money, knowing your husband will worry, even with plenty of money in the bank account.
Why Is My Husband Obsessed With Money?
You might wonder where things went wrong. There are many reasons, many of which your husband may be unable to control himself, at least for now. Understanding the underlying problems and how to help them, though, is the first step.
Society's Pressure
Society places a heavy burden on men when it comes to providing for their families, and if they don't, then it's a common belief that they have failed somehow. This can be a lot of pressure to put on one person, whether or not he's capable of providing for the family.
No one said it had to be a one-man, or more aptly, one-person job.
Yes, women still disproportionately stay home to take care of the kids and the house, but healthy relationships work on the family's needs together.
So whether you cut back on expenses and make your single income work or figure out a way so both the husband and wife can work while still caring for the kids, there are solutions to be had if you work together and have healthy conversations about money.
Giving into society's pressures can cause havoc on even the happiest marriage. Recognizing that this is the issue can be a step in the right direction in helping your marriage.
Compensation
Sometimes, a husband controls money because he can. This might sound a little crazy, but since there's so much that's outside of our control today, controlling what we can becomes almost a necessary habit, a coping mechanism.
For example, if your spouse is stuck in a job and can't get a raise or promotion, he might feel guilty. He might feel like he let the family down, as he can't (in his mind) ever increase how much money you spend or possibly reach big financial goals.
Instead of making changes or getting a second job, some husbands compensate by controlling the money. It's their way of dealing with the frustration of their situation without placing blame on themselves.
When a husband controls the money, he feels like he's in charge again, which is what society taught him, which is a man's role. Men don't like to admit when they have money problems or need professional help.
Instead, they take over and control, showing that they are the 'man' in the relationship. Of course, any satisfaction is short-lived, as this will cause a loss of intimacy in the relationship that is far more damaging.
Feelings of Inadequacy
Feelings of inadequacy come from being unable to provide what a man thinks he should. For example, if your child asks for something, but it's not within the budget, a husband can feel guilty about not providing his child with what he or she wants.
Even if it's something material that the child doesn't need, that feeling of insecurity can be enough to make a man harbor anger. While that anger is ultimately at himself, it's no fun to be around, and his feelings of inadequacy can make you feel like 'my husband doesn't appreciate me.'
It might not have anything to do with you, though. It's often what a man feels on the inside.
Men put a lot of pressure on themselves, and when they can't live up to it, they get mad, which leads to stress in the relationship.
Grew up With Little Money
Men who grow up with little money tend to hold onto what they have tightly (or they go the other direction and spend like there's no tomorrow). These men know what it's like to experience money issues, and they refuse to put their families through it.
This can often make you feel like your husband is selfish when he's actually trying to take care of you. Even if his approach isn't the best, he doesn't want you and your children to feel the pain he felt growing up.
What To Do When All My Husband Cares About Is Money?
Fortunately, there are ways to get you both on the same page so that together, you can reach your financial goals and have a happy marriage.
Money isn't the only factor in a marriage, but it can make or break a marriage if you aren't careful. If you're tired of begging for attention from your husband, here are a few ways to start the healing process between the two of you.
Discuss Ways To Feel More Secure Financially
It could be because you both have different feelings about money when you feel like your husband only cares about money. It all comes down to your money stories or how you were raised with money.
For example, if you grew up with an abundance of money, but your husband grew up with little money, he may feel more controlling about it than you do. For you, spending money may feel natural, whereas it may feel wrong for him. Each person and couple has their ownversions.
Talking about your insecurities together and meeting each other halfway can help you both feel more financial security. For example, it may make your husband feel out of control if you have access to the bank account without him knowing what you'll spend.
What if, instead, you created a budget for one another?
This way, you each have a certain amount of money you can freely spend without worrying about the other person. If you must spend more than this threshold, you agree to come together and discuss it.
Other ways you can reassure one another include keeping each other in the financial loop via weekly budget meetings, a shared cloud-based budgeting app, or a communication system that keeps you both on the same page before the other spouse spends money.
Find Common Interests
Your quest for a happy marriage doesn't have to focus on money. Perhaps you don't even want to think or talk about it right now.
Instead, find other common interests that you can bond over together. Think about what brought you together in the first place and how your likes and dislikes have changed. Simple things like music, art, exercise, or travel can help you bond again.
When you find those common interests and can make one another smile and laugh, money won't feel like such a heavy subject all the time. When you let money ruin your relationship, it can feel like a lead ball in the room.
Take it out, though, and you'll be able to remember why you fell in love.
Do you worry that you don't have common interests any longer? Use this time to find some together. Have some fun and try new things.
You never know when you'll find something you both love together.
Take Steps To Find a Spark Again
No matter how long you've been married, there's always room for a spark again. It may take a little effort, especially if your husband cares only about money and has had this focus for many years.
Find ways to spark your relationship again outside of the house. Bring yourselves to neutral grounds where you won't be reminded to focus on the same issues and never be able to move forward.
Instead, step outside your comfort zone, and see how you can introduce that spark back into your relationship.
If you're out having fun and enjoying one another, it becomes a lot easier to see eye-to-eye when you're having money problems or when your husband thinks he must control the money.
I sometimes think of it as building up a reserve of goodwill that helps late,r even if the money conversation gets uncomfortable.
Create Common Goals
If you think your husband is selfish, consider creating common goals so you can work together to achieve them. This may take some hard work and plenty of time, but that's okay.
Start small, creating goals that you know you can reach easily. Then, as you work together and realize that you can achieve these goals, you may create harder ones, knowing you are able to put in the hard work to get there.
You should have financial goals, but mix in some non-money-related goals, too. If your entire relationship focuses on money, it can be too much.
Money can be the one thing that will make or break your relationship. You need to introduce activities that will make things more lighthearted and help you remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place.
Speak to A Financial Advisor
There's nothing wrong with reaching out for professional help. A financial coach can help you and your husband look at your financial situation with fresh eyes.
Right now, your husband harbors anger and guilt because he feels like it's his job to maintain the household budget and provide for the family, but he's not living up to his expectations.
You feel like money is the one thing your husband holds over your head. You might even feel like my husband values money more than me. Sometimes, it takes an outsider to help you see the truth of the situation and how to get out of it.
The right coach will help you with your relationship and your finances. Since they go hand-in-hand, it's the perfect way to get your finances back on track without risking your relationship any further.
If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my hour-long complimentary consultation!
FAQs
Can Money Ruin Relationships?
Money can come between a marriage if you let it. Not having important money conversations before you get married or not getting the right professional help when you're married can lead to trouble.
If a husband spends too much money or a husband controls money too much, it can wreak havoc on a marriage.
The key is to be open with one another about money. If there are problems or one spouse is unhappy, speak up. Talk to one another about your issues, and find a way to work them out together.
How Can I Get My Husband Off My Back About Money?
It can feel impossible to get your husband off your back about money, especially if your husband worries about money a lot.
Having a family budget, hosting regular money meetings, and making financial decisions together can help you feel less like your husband stalks you about money and more that you're working on this together.
How To Deal with a Money-Minded Husband
If you think all my husband cares about is money, it's time for help. Money can ruin your relationship before you even realize it.
Don't let this major stressor take over your relationship. Instead, get the help you need both emotionally and financially. Let a professional guide you to a place where you can see one another's side and meet in the middle.
When you work together on your financial goals and all other goals in your marriage, you'll have a happier and healthier relationship.
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Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
